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Twelve Steps to
Never Having to Say You're Sorry
by Mad Dog
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A couple of days ago the Associated Press apologized to
Taiwan vice-president Annette Lu for repeating a Chinese attack that
called her "insane" and "scum of the nation."
She’s still waiting for CNN to say it’s sorry. And is withholding
sex until it does. |
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The Virginia General
Assembly recently voted unanimously to express "profound
regret" for the state's role in slavery. Hey, what’s 400 years
amongst friends? They also expressed regret for "the exploitation
of Native Americans." Now if they'd only apologize for Pat
Robertson, Jerry Falwell, George Allen, and traffic on the Washington
Beltway then all will be forgiven.
Just imagine, Virginia is sorry about
that ole slavery thing. And about Richmond having been the capital of
the Confederacy, too. After all, they knew — just knew! — they
should have let Charlotte take the honor, but they were flattered and,
well, you know how that can be. Sometimes you just get sweet talked into
doing something you don’t really want to do. They’re also sorry
about the statues of Lee, Davis, Stuart, and other Confederate leaders
that sit on Monument Avenue in Richmond, but that’s not really a
problem since they were all negated when they stuck a statue of Arthur
Ashe just up the road from them. I mean, everyone agreed that one Arthur
Ashe was worth five Confederate generals. Right? So what’s the
problem?
Virginia joins a long stream of
apologizers. It’s definitely the thing to do these days. Michael
Richards is sorry for going off the deep end at some hecklers and
letting on that he’s a racist. Isaiah Washington of "Grey's
Anatomy" outed fellow actor T.R. Knight, apologized, then turned
around and called him a faggot. For which, of course, he was truly
sorry. Newt Gingrich apologized the other day for having an extramarital
affair while he was leading the Republicans to impeach Bill Clinton.
He’s sorry he did it, sorry he has to apologize for it if he’s going
to have any chance in hell of being the Republican candidate in 2008,
and more than anything else, sorry he didn’t get to have sex with that
woman, Monica Lewinsky.
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The one person who isn’t apologizing for anything is Ann
Coulter, least of all for calling John Edwards a faggot. But then
what’s to apologize for? Not being original and copying Isaiah
Washington?
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Even news services are getting in on the apology action. A couple
of days ago the Associated Press apologized to Taiwan vice-president
Annette Lu for repeating a Chinese attack that called her
"insane" and "scum of the nation." She’s still
waiting for CNN to say it’s sorry. And is withholding sex until it
does. Members of the Japanese parliament want their government to
re-apologize for holding women as sex slaves during World War II.
Meanwhile the Prime Minister wants to retract the country’s 1993
apology. It’s unclear whether it’s good form to apologize for an
apology, but hey, anything’s possible.
The new president of the New York
Stock Exchange, Duncan Niederauer, says he’s going to apologize for a
remark he made a couple of years ago in which he said that he liked
electronic trading because he didn’t “want five guys named Vinny
executing my trades.” Vinnys everywhere have been fuming ever since
and for good reason. Don’t worry, Vinnys, Niederauer’s got your
apology swingin’ right here. As for me, I’m publicly apologizing to
my mother for not winning the MegaMillions lottery so she can live the
rest of her life in a way she’s never been able to live it before and
unfortunately still won’t. Hey, I bought a ticket. I tried. Apology
accepted?
The one person who isn’t
apologizing for anything is Ann Coulter, least of all for calling John
Edwards a faggot. But then what’s to apologize for? Not being original
and copying Isaiah Washington? Increasing her book sales through the
publicity? Getting more and higher paying speaking engagements? Face it,
nothing makes money like shooting your mouth off. Well, as long as
you’re careful not to shoot yourself in the foot in the process.
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I’d
believe the Virginia General Assembly’s apology more if they went into
rehab. Or at least shaved their heads in atonement. Which Georgia,
Maryland, Delaware, and Missouri should all keep in mind since they’re
considering apologizing for slavery too. |
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Then there’s JetBlue. After February’s big snowstorm, the
airline apologized for having stranded 100,000 people, many of whom had
to sit in an airplane on a runway for up to nine hours without food, a
place to stretch their legs, or a crossword puzzle in the in-flight
magazine that didn’t already have the answers filled in. Oh, that’s
right, Jet Blue doesn’t have an in-flight magazine. They have yet to
apologize for that. They do, however, have leather seats and DirectTV
that offers 36 channels with little of interest to watch, unless of
course you like staring at a screen that says “Currently experiencing
problems. We might be out of range or on a tarmac in a snowstorm.
Don’t you wish you had a crossword puzzle now?” But it’s all okay.
CEO David Neeleman says he’s sorry, is handing out vouchers, swears
they’ll follow a customer Bill of Rights from here on out, and is
rotating the jets through rehab.
Yes, nothing says “I’m sorry”
like going into rehab. Mel Gibson went into rehab for saying he doesn't
like Jews and is sorry he ever learned the phrase "sugar
tits." San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom is very sorry he had an
affair with his appointments secretary. Who just happened to be the wife
of his deputy chief of staff at the time, a friend who later became his
re-election campaign manager. Well, at least until this news hit the
proverbial fan. But it's okay, Gavin’s in rehab now, except they're
not calling it rehab since he's outpatient and apparently going when and
if he feels like it. Unlike Britney who was in and out of rehab three
times in four days. Hey, if that doesn't cure her — at least of
wanting to do another Sinead O'Connor imitation by shaving her head
again — then nothing will. Except maybe a few more trips into rehab
next week.
I’d believe the Virginia General
Assembly’s apology more if they went into rehab. Or at least shaved
their heads in atonement. Which Georgia, Maryland, Delaware, and
Missouri should all keep in mind since they’re considering apologizing
for slavery too. Remember, apologizing isn’t supposed to be easy, just
hip. And a nice way out. If I’ve offended anyone by saying any of
this, I’m sorry. Ah, I feel better already.
©2007 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. I'm sorry
you're reading them.
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