Mad Dog Weekly - Doing It Doggy Style

Be sure to visit the Doggy Style Archives!

 

 

How to Tell If You're Having a Bad Day
by Mad Dog


Just think, if this catches on it could put astrologers out of work. See, thereís a bright side to everything.
A Welsh psychiatrist has declared that January 24th is the ďmost depressing day of the year.Ē Thatís easy for him to say, he doesnít have an April 15th tax filing deadline. The reason he says the 24th is the day isnít because weíre facing the reality of four more years with George Bush as president. Nor is it because this year the Superbowl was pushed back to February 6th and weíve already polished off the Cheetos, Little Debbies, Slim Jims, and Bud Lites we bought for the occasion. No, according to Dr. Cliff Arnall of the University of Cardiff itís about mathematics, and his calculations prove that January 24th is the most depressing day of every year. Put that in your PDA and smoke it.

   By the way, you read that right, Dr. Arnall actually calculated this. Tired of trying to figure out why the Welsh language looks like a two-year-oldís first Scrabble game, he sat down and came up with a mathematical formula that takes all the guess work out of wondering if youíre going to have a bad day or not. Just think, if this catches on it could put astrologers out of work. See, thereís a bright side to everything.

   His equation takes into consideration the weather, your debt load, your monthly salary, the time elapsed since Christmas, the length of time since you last failed to quit a bad habit, your motivational level, and your need to take action. Strangely it doesnít factor in whether youíve had sex lately, the daily stress factor over the status of Jennifer and Bradís relationship, or the number of sun spots, either the solar kind or the ones you think are developing on the backs of your hands.


I donít want to have my bad days predicted. Thatís why I ignore my horoscope in the newspaper, donít pay attention to the fortune in my cookies ó unless I like it when I add ďin bedĒ to it, and didnít listen to my high school guidance counselor when she told me I was best suited to be a bank robber. 
   Thereís no explanation of how he determines these factors for all of us at once and why we donít all have different worst days. I guess it means he knows everything there is to know about us. And to think, all this time I thought only Santa Claus and the FBI knew all that. The fact that this year January 24th falls on a Monday only adds to its depressing capabilities, though Arnall doesnít include that in his formula. Apparently heís not a fan of the Boomtown Rats. And doesnít mind getting up to go to work after a nice weekend off.

   Iím not sure why researchers like Arnall and magazines like Time are so hell bent on quantifying things like this. Recently Time ran a cover story on happiness which talked about researchers who are trying to find chemical and genetic factors that affect our innate happiness. Not long ago the magazine ran an article about the possibility of a ďgod gene.Ē Cut it out, already! Weíre humans ó weíre complex, weíre unpredictable, and we canít be deconstructed to a particular combination of chemicals. A mathematical formula, maybe.

   Personally, I donít want to have my bad days predicted. Thatís why I ignore my horoscope in the newspaper, donít pay attention to the fortune in my cookies ó unless I like it when I add ďin bedĒ to it, and didnít listen to my high school guidance counselor when she told me I was best suited to be a bank robber. Bad days happen. And I have no trouble identifying them without having a self-prophesizing advance warning.


If youíre the winner of the first Survivor and the I.R.S. calls to let you know ó whoops! ó you forgot to declare your highly publicized $1million winnings, then itís definitely a bad day.
   There are definite signs that youíre having a bad day, and theyíre not algebraic. Unless of course this is the day of your algebra midterm, in which case itís definitely a factor. If youíre a construction worker in Colorado named Patrick Lawler and you go to the dentist complaining of a toothache and wind up having doctors remove a four-inch nail that you didnít know was in your head, youíre having a bad day. If you then find out the medical bills to remove it total a whopping $100,000 and you have no medical insurance, itís a safe bet youíre having a really bad day.

   If youíre a syndicated columnist with a talk show like Armstrong Williams and youíre caught taking $240,000 from the Department of Education to promote President Bushís No Child Left Behind law and you lose your column because of it, youíre having a bad day. If youíre a Palo Alto, CA eighth-grader who goes to a school career day and learns you can make $250,000 a year as a stripper or exotic dancer, but youíre a boy, then youíre having a bad day. If youíre the winner of the first Survivor and the I.R.S. calls to let you know ó whoops! ó you forgot to declare your highly publicized $1million winnings, then itís definitely a bad day.

   If the airlines decide to allow cell phone calls to be made on airplanes, if someone hits the lottery using the set of numbers youíve played every week for the past five years except this one, or if you get a voicemail message from your doctorís office asking if your will is up to date, you can bet itís a bad day. Most of all, if you start believing a mathematical formula can predict what your day will be like, youíre definitely having a bad day. But donít worry, hopefully youíll get over it by tomorrow.

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them, they might improve your day.

 

(ALMOST) INSTANT NOTIFICATION
Enter your email address below to be notified whenever a new column is added to the Mad Dog Weekly!



Powered by FeedBlitz


  Skywriting at Night - a novel by Mad Dog

[Home] [Doggy Style Archives] [Blog]  [Novel] [Playground] [Plot-o-matic] [Porn-o-matic] [On The Road]
[Grand Highly Illuminated Xmas] [Who the hell is Mad Dog?] [Work Stuff]
[FREE Newsletter]  [ ] [Linkage] [Search]

©1998 - 2013 Mad Dog Productions
All Rights reserved