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Livin' La Vida California
by Mad Dog


Itís rather ironic that while I sit here waiting for the Big One, theyíre back east getting slammed by back-to-back hurricanes and inundated by massive floods.
Living in California has its advantages. I know this will come as a surprise to my family and friends whose first response when they heard I was moving here was, ďWhy would you want to live in a place thatís going to have an earthquake and fall into the ocean any day now?Ē Of course the next thing they said was, ďOh good, now that I have a free place to stay I can change my plans and go to California for two weeks instead of Cancun,Ē which tells you a lot about how they weigh fear vs. saving a buck. Not to mention what kind of family and friends I have.

   Thus itís rather ironic that while I sit here waiting for the Big One, theyíre back east getting slammed by back-to-back hurricanes, being inundated by massive floods in spite of a gazillion-dollar floodwall the Army Corps of Engineers constructed to stop, well, massive floods, and swatting their way through mosquito invasions that inspire more shock and awe than the invasion of Iraq even though itís lacking the cutesy slogan and dramatic music that usually accompanies such an Official Event. A shame too, since it would make smacking the obnoxious little buggers a lot more fun. Luckily none of my friends or family live in the Midwest or Hawaii so they donít have to stay awake nights worrying about pesky tornados and the impending eruption of Mauna Loa. Oh, did I mention that in the eight years Iíve lived in California I havenít felt more than a couple of very minor couch-trembling earthquakes?


Aside from not having to take part in the Early Fall Natural Disaster Cavalcade, there are other advantages to living in California. In the non-catastrophe category thereís the fact that we have Arnold as governor and you donít. 
   This doesnít mean life here is unexciting and boring just because we donít have to evacuate our homes once a week during the fall, can switch off the Weather Channel anytime we want without doubling up on Xanax in the hope it will stave off the feeling that if we miss a crucial update about a storm thatís 1,000 miles and four days away weíll wind up as tropical storm toast, or watch Twister over and over to make sure we know what an approaching tornado looks like. And wonder why if one hits we wonít be waiting it out in the cozy storm cellar with Helen Hunt. Or Bill Paxton if thatís your preference. What it does mean is that we can spend our time doing all the things Californians prefer to do with our lives, like eat granola, work out at the gym, and shop for new socks to wear under our Birkenstocks. Just kidding. Actually Birkenstocks are out. Anyone whoís anyone without a fashion sense knows Tevas and socks are the new statement.

   Aside from not having to take part in the Early Fall Natural Disaster Cavalcade, there are other advantages to living in California. In the non-catastrophe category thereís the fact that we have Arnold as governor and you donít. Okay, some people would say this is miscategorized, but since he hasnít done anything more catastrophic than to continue thinking the phrase ďgirlie-menĒ is as cute and fun as tacking the ending ď-inatorĒ on any word in the English language, Iíll give him the benefit of the doubt. For now. Besides, he recently signed a bill outlawing necrophilia, so how bad can he be?


It shows that the Republican National Committee was right on target when it created the platform plank: ďYou can never have too many laws or too much special interest money in the bank.Ē
   Thatís right, as of last week itís now illegal to have sex with corpses in the state of California. Donít worry, IĎm sure itís not too late to cancel the movers, or at least tell them to reroute your belongings to Arkansas. If you already live in California, Iíd suggest you donít go breaking this news to your significant other in order to get out of performing your significant otherly duties. Keep in mind that according to this law a corpse is defined as someone whoís dead, not someone who just lays there acting like it. Sorry.

   The state legislature passed this law because apparently there wasnít one on the books. Legal experts say this is amazing since they thought lawmakers had long ago dreamed up a way to regulate everything that could be regulated. And a few things which couldnít. It shows that the Republican National Committee was right on target when it created the platform plank: ďYou can never have too many laws or too much special interest money in the bank.Ē

   There are other advantages to living in California. Anyone can marry anyone as long as you donít care whether itís a legal marriage. We have the first Great White shark in captivity at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and surprisingly itís not Mark Geragos. And we can scoff all we want at the man in the Batman costume who made it to the ledge of Buckingham Palace because we see people walking around dressed like that every day. And yes, some of them are going to get married. Hey, at least we donít get many hurricanes and tornados.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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