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Ask
Not How Many Mosquitoes Your Country Can Kill For You…
by Mad Dog
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In the Lomellina
valley, which is south of Milan, Italy, they came up with another way to
get the citizenry to help rid them of pests—they held a contest. A
mosquito-killing contest. |
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Now more than ever,
Americans are being asked to pitch in and do their part to help their
country. In the past that could be as simple as picking up litter. Or as
complicated as trying to cast a correct vote in Palm Beach County,
Florida. But these days we have to do more. Like buy a new car to show
those nasty old terrorists it’s business as usual in the U.S. or join
the new volunteer civil defense service President Bush proposed last
week.
This feeling of renewed civic duty
isn’t confined to the U.S., it’s happening all around the globe. Of
course in other countries people are being asked to help their
government in different ways. In Nova Iguacu, Brazil for example, the
townspeople are being recruited to help rid the city of rats by driving
out the politicians and lawyers. Just kidding. About the lawyers,
anyway. (Not really, but I have to say that because I may need one of
them to defend me against lawsuits filed by politicians who read this.)
It seems that over the past year
eight people have died in Nova Iguacu from Leptospirosis, a disease they
caught from the politicians and lawyers. I mean, from the rats. That’s
why the city is asking citizens to catch rats. But apparently civic
pride and being able to put “Pied Piper” under your name on a
business card isn’t enough motivation so the city is offering five
reals—or about $2.00—for every kilogram of dead rat turned in. Since
rats can weigh over a pound, that’s not a bad way to make a living.
Plus if you’re good at it you could end up starring in the Animal
Planet’s new upcoming show, The Rat Hunter.
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California
Assemblyman Joe Simitian recently called on his constituents to do his
job for him. I mean, help him out. He held a contest called “There
Ought To Be A Law”, in which he asked people in his district to
suggest new legislation. |
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Meanwhile in the Lomellina valley, which is south of Milan,
Italy, they came up with another way to get the citizenry to help rid
them of pests—they held a contest. A mosquito-killing contest.
Entrants were only allowed to wear a bathing suit and socks, which had
less to do with giving the mosquitoes more bare skin to land on than it
did knowing the fashionistas in Milan would be mumbling into their
macchiatos over the faux pas. After all, this was in August, and
everyone knows you don’t wear socks with bathing suits after Memorial
Day.
Each contestant had five minutes in
which to kill as many mosquitoes as possible using only their bare
hands. The winner received six piglets. Second place walked away with
two ostriches. And third place was awarded 500 eggs. As if the prospect
of being known as the Italian King of Swat for the rest of their life
wasn’t reward enough.
Back in the U.S., California
Assemblyman Joe Simitian recently called on his constituents to do his
job for him. I mean, help him out. He held his own contest, this one
called “There Ought To Be A Law”, in which he asked people in his
district to suggest new legislation. Right, as if any politician worth
his PAC donations has ever been at a loss to come up with New! and
Improved! laws to make our lives more, uh, pleasant.
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Richard Wiseman, a psychologist
at Hertfordshire University who thinks it’s funny that he’s spending
the school’s money on this project, is asking people to go to a
website and submit what they think is the funniest joke.
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Simitian says
he’s going to take the winning idea and claim it as his own. Just
kidding. Actually he’s going to submit it to the state legislature. If
they don’t laugh, then he’ll claim it as his own. The person who
submitted the winning idea will get to testify on behalf of the bill at
a hearing, have lunch with Simitian, and receive a flag which flew over
the Capitol. No piglets. No ostriches. And no eggs. They won’t even
get paid five reals per pound. And worst of all, they won’t be allowed
to wear just a bathing suit and socks when they testify, even though
this is California. Although the contest ended on October 15th they have
yet to chose a winner. Sadly I missed the deadline so I couldn’t
suggest the surefire winning entry: a law banning silly contests by
lawmakers.
In
England they’re not confining their requests for help to their
country, they’re reaching out to the whole world. They’re trying to
determine if the Queen’s wrist-pivoting wave is actually an obscure
Middle English obscene gesture. Just kidding. Actually they’re looking
for the world’s funniest joke. And yes, I realize that wasn’t it.
Richard Wiseman, a psychologist at
Hertfordshire University who thinks it’s funny that he’s spending
the school’s money on this project, is asking people to go to a
website (www.laughlab.co.uk) and
submit what they think is the funniest joke. Visitors to the site will
vote for their favorites, then a professional comic will record the
winner. The scientists will play the tape for various volunteers, making
them listen to it over and over until they beg to watch reruns of My
Mother The Car. Kidding again. Actually they’ll have to beg to see
reruns of Manimal.
No matter how you look at it, it’s
important to do your civic duty. While it’s true that joining a new
civil defense corps may not be as much fun as killing rats, swatting
mosquitoes, or bombarding an English shrink with e-mails containing
every lame joke that was forwarded to you during the past two years,
it’s a start. At least it’s not a law. Yet.
©2001 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while hunting for rats.
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