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My Computer The Snitch
by Mad Dog


The scariest thought is that the computer might turn out to be a tattletale and it wanted to tell the PDA about the Web sites I visit. Not that I have anything to be embarrassed about. 
A strange thing happened last night. I was working at my computer while using my PDA when suddenly a cartoon bubble appeared by the computer’s system tray. It read, “Another computer is nearby.” I looked at the PDA and there was a message on the small screen: “Waiting for Send.” Yes, they had discovered each other by infrared beam and were trying to communicate. Without my prompting, without my telling them to, and without my permission. Bad computer! Bad PDA!

   I’m not sure what they would have said to each other had I not quickly cancelled the message on the PDA and shut it off. Hey, I saw Bride of Chucky, War Games, and Terminator, I know what inanimate objects can do when they have a mind to. Or at least when screenwriters want them to have a mind to. But I’m not taking any chances. After all, I sleep in the same room they do. And now I’m starting to wonder if they really sleep when I turn them off or if they fake it until I’m snoring, then stay up all night whispering to each other over an infrared beam, plotting new ways to crash right when I’m in the middle of the most important thing I’ve worked on in years and haven’t gotten around to saving it.

   Putting my paranoia aside — which is easier written than done — it’s possible that they connected because they were lonely and wanted to chat. After all, when I talk to them I’m usually not saying the nicest things. Of course if they behaved better I wouldn’t have to use that language. Interestingly, that’s the same thing my mother used to say to me. I hate it when I find myself spouting the things my parents used to say, especially since they’re always the things I hated hearing. Trust me, it’s not pretty turning into your parents.


If you want something more useful around the house, you can buy a robot lawn mower, a robot vacuum cleaner, and in Japan, a robot named Wakamaru that will keep an eye on your parents.
    It’s possible the computer and PDA just wanted to commiserate about how hard I pound the keys when I type and how obnoxious it is that I tap, tap, tap at the PDA’s screen all the time. Maybe they wanted to laugh at the stupid things I do or how I can’t remember where on my hard drive I left a file. Or maybe they were flirting and I squelched what could have been a world-class romance, right up there with Scarlett and Rhett, Romeo and Juliet, and Turner and Hootch.

   The scariest thought is that the computer might turn out to be a tattletale and it wanted to tell the PDA about the Web sites I visit. Not that I have anything to be embarrassed about. Well, as long as I remember to clear the cache and delete the history so there’s no proof. If it does turn out that my computer’s a snitch, I’ll have to be very careful. After all, it has access to a telephone line, the Internet, and email, so it could report me if it wanted to.

   This isn’t as farfetched as you might think. In Finland you can report crimes by going to a Web site and filling out a form. It’s www.click-n-snitch.com. Just kidding. Actually it’s run by the Interior Ministry and, being a government agency, they don’t have that much marketing flair or creativity. Last year 23,000 reports were filed online, most of them for stolen property, property damage, and electronic equipment talking all night. There’s no record of whether any computer filed a report on its own, but I’m not taking any chances with mine, he could do anything if provoked.


Always clear your Web browser, don’t put a rating next to your dates’ names in your PDA, and above all, put all electronic items in another room and lock your bedroom door at night.
   Yes, I said “he.” I know I shouldn’t anthropomorphize a plastic case full of electronic circuits, but if it’s alright to do it with cars, boats, and hurricanes, why not a computer? After all, they’re only a couple of steps away from robots and we’re only a couple of steps away from having them tooling around the house. You can already buy Aibo, Tama, and Poo-chi, which are robotic pets for those who don’t have the time or inclination to mess with smelly food, early morning walks, and kitty litter. Of course you do need to remember to charge their batteries, which only goes to show that they’re not really so smart or they’d motor over to a wall socket and stick their tail in it when they needed a recharge.

   If you want something more useful around the house, you can buy a robot lawn mower, a robot vacuum cleaner, and in Japan, a robot named Wakamaru that will keep an eye on your parents. That’s right. According to it’s creators, Wakamaru makes a great companion, housesitter, and caretaker for the elderly. It has two cameras, a cell phone, and is able to discuss the day’s news using either a male or female voice. Trust me, nothing will make your parents happier than being taken care of by a hermaphrodite robot. Wakamaru sells for about $9,000, which is about the cost of three days in a nursing home, so it really is a good deal.

   From what I can tell, Wakamaru doesn’t have an infrared port so it may not be able to strike up a conversation with your computer or PDA. But these critters are tricky, so I’d be very careful. Always clear your Web browser, don’t put a rating next to your dates’ names in your PDA, and above all, put all electronic items in another room and lock your bedroom door at night. Then at least if they do chatter until dawn you’ll still get a good night’s sleep.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Let your computer read them to your PDA.

 

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