Mad Dog Weekly - Doing It Doggy Style

Be sure to visit the Doggy Style Archives!

 

 

Put Down That Cap And Gown And Back Away Slowly
by Mad Dog


The average American will go through 10 jobs and five careers during his or her lifetime, so you want to find something ó and trust me, it wonít be your major ó that youíll enjoy doing 40 hours a week for four years before you chuck it all and move to Bali. 
Finally, the big day is here. No, itís not the day theyíre announcing the winner of the Name Britneyís New Baby Without Using the Word Trailer contest, itís graduation day. You know, the culmination of 16 years of school ó actual mileage may vary ó and the reason Mom and Dad have been eating ramen noodles every night for dinner and wearing the same clothes every day. Okay, so Dad would wear the same clothes whether he was paying more each year for your schooling than his car cost or not, thatís not the point. Didnít they teach you anything in Argumentative Hyperbole 202?

   As you sit there in your cap and gown wondering why someone doesnít get Vera Wang or Giorgio Armani to design something less embarrassing to wear on graduation day, take a few moments to think about the future and consider where youíre going. After all, itís your day, the family will take you anywhere for dinner, so give it some careful thought. Expensive is good. After all, as of tomorrow youíll be out in the real world and need all the prime rib filled doggy bags you can get your hands on. But before you take those final steps down the aisle and onto the muddy road called reality, there are a few things you should know that they probably didnít tell you.


Find a good role model, someone you can look up to, admire, emulate, and feel good about asking what emulate means just to make sure itís not something your mother would disapprove of.
   First, follow your bliss. And no, that doesnít mean you need to move to the same town as your drug connection. Hey, youíll be a college graduate, Iím sure you can manage to score no matter where you are. Following your bliss means finding something you like, something youíre passionate about, something youíll be happy doing for the rest of your life thatís not your ex. Remember, thatís called stalking and it can result in a restraining order, publicity that can taint your chance for gainful employment, and a 300-pound lover named Butch who lives two cells down and thinks you have purty lips. Remember, the average American will go through 10 jobs and five careers during his or her lifetime, so you want to find something ó and trust me, it wonít be your major ó that youíll enjoy doing 40 hours a week for four years before you chuck it all and move to Bali. Donít worry, 401-kís are portable. And can possibly be converted into Rupiah. Talk to Chuck.

   Find a good role model, someone you can look up to, admire, emulate, and feel good about asking what emulate means just to make sure itís not something your mother would disapprove of. Or something of which your mother would disapprove should she happen to be an English teacher. Itís important to make a good choice here. David Blaine, for example, isnít a good role model. Even though heís rich and famous, in order to get there he had to be buried alive in a see-through coffin for a week, spend 61 hours inside a block of ice, fast for 44 days in a Plexiglas box, and live for a week submerged in a fishbowl. Breathing, eating, and peeing through tubes. There are easier ways.

   Other bad role models include Robert Downey, Jr., John Wayne Gacy, and whoever came up with the Japanese ear wax cleaner that has a built-in camera so you can clean your ears without scooping any gray matter out along with the gunk. Good role models include Mother Teresa, Bono (of U2, not Sonny and Cher, fame), and Nick Lachey once he wised up and threw Jessica back into the sea with the chickens.


If you have no shame, self-control, or conscience, go ahead and lie, but do yourself a favor and spend time every day boning up on your back-up career by standing in front of a mirror and asking, ďWhat size Slurpee would you like with that breakfast bite?Ē
   Be honest. Donít lie on your resume. If you got a bachelorís degree in physical education, donít say youíre a physician. If your dorm gave you the title Classiest Resident, donít put down that you were class president. Remember, resource is a part of Human Resources, they have ways of finding out the truth. Sure a few lies could mean landing the gig as CEO of Radio Shack, but eventually youíll be uncovered. And when you are theyíll take away your golden parachute of 2,478 laser levels. Talk about a hard landing. If you have no shame, self-control, or conscience, go ahead and lie, but do yourself a favor and spend time every day boning up on your back-up career by standing in front of a mirror and asking, ďWhat size Slurpee would you like with that breakfast bite?Ē

   Now itís time to fly the college nest and go out into the real world. After all, you donít want to be like Johnny Lechner, the guy whoís been an undergraduate student at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater for the past 12 years. He was all set to graduate this year ó now thereís a concept! ó with a liberal studies degree in education, communications, theater, health and women's studies when it dawned on him that something was missing from his academic life. Aside from common sense, motivation, and a swift kick in the pants. It turns out that heíd never studied abroad, so he withdrew his application for graduation and is taking his 234 credits overseas next year. This is a good example of what happens when you donít have a bliss to follow, donít have a good role model, and donít need to worry about lying on your resume because youíll probably never need one. Now go enjoy that graduation dinner. And be nice to Mom and Dad and offer them your doggy bag. Hey, it will be a nice break from ramen noodles.

©2006 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them if you can.

 

(ALMOST) INSTANT NOTIFICATION
Enter your email address below to be notified whenever a new column is added to the Mad Dog Weekly!



Powered by FeedBlitz


  Skywriting at Night - a novel by Mad Dog

[Home] [Doggy Style Archives] [Blog]  [Novel] [Playground] [Plot-o-matic] [Porn-o-matic] [On The Road]
[Grand Highly Illuminated Xmas] [Who the hell is Mad Dog?] [Work Stuff]
[FREE Newsletter]  [ ] [Linkage] [Search]

©1998 - 2013 Mad Dog Productions
All Rights reserved