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Here She Comes, Miss Trump America
by Mad Dog


FOR SALE: Creaky but still functioning 84-year-old pageant. Showcases brains, talent, and poise while pretending that looking good in a bathing suit while wearing stiletto heels doesnít matter.
Itís official: Money canít buy you happiness but it can buy Miss America. At least it can if you have Donald Trumpís money. Thatís right, itís not enough that the guy owns Trump Tower, Trump Casino, the time slot for The Apprentice, and the winning suit in Hearts, the man with the hair money canít fix says heís considering buying the famous beauty pageant. This demonstrates one big difference between the rich and the rest of us ó the rest of us never imagined it was even possible to buy a beauty pageant. Well, not without giving each of the judges a big fat envelope full of cash, anyway.

   Actually this points up a bigger difference between the rich and the rest of us ó we couldnít afford to buy a beauty pageant even if we saw a classified ad in the newspaper that said: ďFOR SALE: Creaky but still functioning 84-year-old pageant. Showcases brains, talent, and poise while pretending that looking good in a bathing suit while wearing stiletto heels doesnít matter. Needs renovation, TLC, and a new TV network to broadcast it after being jilted by ABC. Great fixer-upper starter pageant.Ē Trump, on the other hand, was well aware that he could buy a pageant. After all, he already controls 50 percent of Miss Universe ó the pageant, not the winner ó and that includes Miss USA. If he actually does buy Miss America it means heíll have a lock on all the major pageants with the exception of Mr. Universe, Miss Earth, Miss Hot Tub De-scaler, and the Slug Queen, which is an honest-to-god contest thatís held every summer in Eugene, OR, and has been won by such cross-dressing beauties as Accordionna, Peterella, and Slugmistress Bagonda. I know this because I actually saw it in person one year. Jealous?


Another way to look at it is that if he gave every person in the United States $150 heíd still have enough money left over to buy Donald Trump. And his pageants.
   Another pageant Trump doesnít own is the Miss Artificial Beauty pageant, another honest-to-god contest which was held for the first time last December in Beijing, China. As a switch from those old fashioned pageants which require icky natural beauty, this one is exclusively for entrants who have had plastic surgery. The more the merrier. The winner, a 22-year-old who would have loved to have smiled when she won but couldnít, had had a fold added to her eyelids, fat liposuctioned from her stomach, her cheeks reshaped, and plenty of Botox. The first runner-up had undergone ten procedures, proving that itís quality, not quantity, that counts. At least thatís what I keep telling myself when I check my bank balance.

   Trump can afford Miss America without much trouble. After all, Forbes magazine figures his net worth to be $2.6 billion. As good as this sounds, itís really not anything to get excited about. Okay, itís definitely something to get excited about if you get paid by the word like I do, but itís not such a big deal when you realize that it only puts him at number 228 on the magazineís list of the richest people in the world. How embarrassing.

   At the top of the list once again is Bill Gates, even though heís about $100 million poorer than he was last year. Iím sure heís not the least bit concerned about this. After all, when youíre worth $46.5 billion itís just not worth it to stop and pick up a lousy $100 million when it falls out of your pocket. To put his wealth into perspective, this means Bill Gates has about $7 for every man, woman, and child on the planet. Another way to look at it is that if he gave every person in the United States $150 heíd still have enough money left over to buy Donald Trump. And his pageants.


They could take a tip from The Surreal Life and have them share a house with Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice, and Tony Danza. Anyone who could put up with the three of them for two weeks deserves all the roses and crowns she can handle. 
   If Trump does buy Miss America, he needs to spruce it up a bit. After all, as with anyone or anything thatís been around for 84 years, it could use a make-over. The old talent-swimsuit-evening wear-crowning format just doesnít cut it anymore. They should take some tips from reality TV. Like Survivor, they could put the contestants on an island where thereís no hairspray, manicurist, or tape to lift and separate their cleavage and see how long they last. They could take a tip from The Surreal Life and have them share a house with Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice, and Tony Danza. Anyone who could put up with the three of them for two weeks deserves all the roses and crowns she can handle. Or they could model it after Fear Factor and make them go to Neiman Marcus with their hair uncombed while wearing their grandmotherís old housecoat, challenge them to compliment each other sincerely, and the really gross part ó make them eat a pint of Ben & Jerryís Chubby Hubby in one sitting. Or just make them eat, which would be scary enough for most of them. Better yet, why not put them on a live Celebrity Death Match? Add some Wesson oil or Jell-o and theyíd have an Emmy-winning show on their hands. It just might be the best pageant show Trumpís money can buy.
©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them wearing a bathing suit and stiletto heels.

 

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