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Let The New Games Begin
by Mad Dog


The skeleton is is like the luge except they go down head first. You know, the same way you did on your Flexible Flyer when you were a kid except they won’t have to dodge cars at the bottom of the hill.
The Olympic games have begun. Over 2,500 athletes from 80 countries are in Salt Lake City to participate in 68 events involving eight sports over an 18-day period. Oh yeah, and go through an estimated 12,000 condoms. That’s six per person, though if you figure they’re pairing off it means each couple will have 12 between them. In other words, they’ll be having sex less than once a day. And they call this an Olympics? In Sydney they went through 70,000 condoms. Of course they have Foster’s there.

   While sex is apparently sanctioned, it’s not an Olympic event, though it should be if they really want to boost their viewership. After all, people get tired of watching the same old things. That’s why each time the Olympics rolls around they add a few new events to keep things fresh. In the last Winter Olympics they added curling, snowboarding, women’s ice hockey, and freestyle skiing. These went over pretty well, which isn’t surprising since it’s hard to get tired of watching people sweep ice (it’s the 21st century, get a Zamboni already!), piss off skiers, swarm the ice trying to retrieve women’s front teeth as souvenirs, and flip head over heels while skiing. On purpose.

   This time around they’re not adding anything nearly as exciting. There’s the women’s bobsleigh, which for unknown reasons is how they decided to spell bobsled this year, and the skeleton, which is like the luge except they go down head first. You know, the same way you did on your Flexible Flyer when you were a kid except they won’t have to dodge cars at the bottom of the hill. Leave it to the Olympics to take the fun out of everything.


The World Bridge Federation held a tournament in Salt Lake City hoping to convince the Powers That Be to add bridge to the 2006 Winter Games in Turin, Italy. Right, as if the 20-Meter Shroud Jump won’t lend enough new excitement to those games.
   Another event they’ve added is a biathlon. The biathlon is an event which combines two sports, cross-country skiing and target shooting, which is as logical as pairing water polo and equestrian or ice hockey and boxing. Okay, some combinations work better than others. This year they’ve added pursuit, which has nothing to do with pursuing anyone or anything. It means that after they ski they’ll stop and shoot their rifle while laying down and standing up. They would have called it Trivial Pursuit—which would have kept them within the truth in advertising laws—but they were afraid of a trademark infringement suit.

   If they really want to make the biathlon more interesting they should forget shooting at targets and have the athletes shoot at the Olympic mascots. Yes, as if Waldi the dachshund, Syd the platypus, and Izzy the whatever-the-hell-it-was weren’t bad enough, this year they have three mascots: Powder, Copper, and Coal, which are a rabbit, coyote, and bear. Okay, so Bugs, Wily, and Smokey were already taken, couldn’t they have come up with better names than they did?

   If they really want to spice up the Olympics and increase interest they should start by reversing the new ice skating rule, in which judges will deduct a tenth of a point for any “undignified” moves. This eliminates spinning around while holding your partner upside down with her legs around your neck, bumping and grinding your hips, or acting like Carrot Top. Okay, so there is one good side to this.

   One event some people are trying to add to the Winter Olympics is—True Fact Alert!—bridge. Yes, the World Bridge Federation (motto: “We knew trump was important before Donald was even born”) held a tournament in Salt Lake City hoping to convince the Powers That Be to add bridge to the 2006 Winter Games in Turin, Italy. Right, as if the 20-Meter Shroud Jump won’t lend enough new excitement to those games.


Another nice addition would be the Downhill Souvenir Smash, especially since this year they’re outdoing themselves in that department.
  The WBF is completely undaunted by the fact that International Olympic Committee rules say winter events have to be held on ice or snow. They probably figure they’ll play while wearing skis and sitting in a skeleton. They also don’t seem to care that a card playing tournament with all the excitement of Charles Grodin on Quaaludes has a snowball’s chance in Jamaica of making it in. Sure the I.O.C. declared bridge a sport in 1995, but don’t forget they also officially deemed chess and ballroom dancing to be sports. The next thing you know they’ll add kickball, car parking, and Candyland to the roster.

   One event they should consider adding is Olympic shoplifting. That way four-time gold medalist Olga Korbut, better known as “The Other Nadia Comaneci,” could make a comeback, since she was recently arrested in Atlanta for allegedly shoving $19 worth of groceries in her purse and leaving the store. Of course if she’s going to compete she’ll need to work on her style, form, and amount. After all, Winona Ryder has her beat hands down, having been charged with taking $4,700 worth of merchandise from a Beverly Hills department store. It will be interesting to see if her defense of “I was training for the Olympics when I went for the gold” holds up in court.

   Another nice addition would be the Downhill Souvenir Smash, especially since this year they’re outdoing themselves in that department. Not only can you buy key chains and snow globes, you can get official mascot bobbleheads, cheering bells (which look like plain old cow bells to me), hockey pucks (blood extra), an Olympic camping Dutch Oven (recipe book extra), leather wallet (empty now, thanks to the high cost of food, lodging, and tickets), and even a hockey stick rack. Hopefully one you can mount in the back of your pickup truck.

   But until they add these we’ll have to be content watching skiing, ice skating, hockey, and more teary Olympic Moments than you can shake a McDonald’s commercial at. Don’t complain, it will give you plenty of time to brush up on your bridge playing. 

©2002 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while waiting to try out for the Olympic bridge team .

 

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