There's more Doing It Holiday
the Season to be Shopping
by Mad Dog
youre still not sure whether you or someone you love is a shopper or a non-shopper,
now is the perfect time of the year to tell. Pretend youre reading Cosmopolitan
and take this little quiz.
||For years the great
philosophers of the world have told us that people can be divided into two
basic groups: shoppers and rational human beings. As opposed to other
classifications of the human race — such as “those who think Borat is
funny” and “those without
a sense of humor” — it’s easy to tell shoppers and non-shoppers
apart. Shoppers are the ones with ink stained hands from scouring the
newspaper looking for a chance to spend $10 in gas so they can save 50
cents on a sleep sofa just in case they have guests stay over for the
first time in recorded history. Shoppers will cut across three lanes of
traffic, running two semis and a minivan full of nuns off the road, so
they can hit a Going Out of Business sale at a garden shop, even though
they live in an apartment surrounded by miles of concrete. And the most
obvious sign of all? Shoppers pack more plastic than Cher’s face.
Non-shoppers, on the other hand, are
even easier to spot. They’re the ones with more time, more money, and
much lower blood pressure.
If you’re still not sure whether you
or someone you love is a shopper or a non-shopper, now is the perfect time
of the year to find out. While you may be the only one in your family who
didn’t finish their Christmas shopping before Labor Day, you’re still
at least two weeks ahead of those enrolled in Procrastinator’s
Anonymous. Even those who keep intending to enroll but haven’t gotten
around to it. So sit back, relax, pretend you’re reading Cosmopolitan, and
take this little quiz. Sorry there’s no cleavage to look at while
you’re doing it but, hey, you can’t have everything.
In America, shopping is based on Sun
Tzus Art of War, which explains why shoppers spend more time preparing
for the day after Thanksgiving than Eisenhower did for the battle of Normandy.
||1. True or False:
Thanksgiving is the unofficial start of the Christmas season?
(TRUE. But shoppers know that the official start of Christmas season is
two days before Halloween when stores replace the candy and spooky
decorations that have sold with tinsel, garland, and chocolate covered
rice cakes vaguely shaped like Santa Claus.)
2. In three words, describe the best shopping
trip of your life.
(ANSWER: The next one.)
3. You're taking this test while standing in line
waiting for the department store doors to open because:
A. You don't want anyone to buy the last sterling silver ice cream scoop
just like the one Britney and K-Fed had and will be fighting over in court
before you get to it.
B. You had to get up at 4:30 am to meet the
Toys-R-Us truck at the loading dock so you could make sure you got a
Serial Killer Barbie ® to go with the Whip Me Elmo you bought your niece
and there was no sense in going back to sleep at that point, was there?
C. You really don't remember, but you're sure you
had a good reason.
In America, shopping is based on Sun Tzu's Art of
War, which explains why shoppers spend more time preparing for the day
after Thanksgiving than Eisenhower did for the battle of Normandy. Of
course, it's important to remember that Normandy didn't put everything on
sale for 30% off.
Soon the shopping will be over, the bills will be due, and youll be spending your
evenings at Shoppers Anonymous meetings saying "My name is Bill, and Im a
During Christmas season, stores open as early as 5:30 in the
morning and stay open until the very last shopper has taken out a second
mortgage on their house. Only then do the shopkeepers get to close their
doors, turn out the lights, and dance hysterically because they never
thought they’d get rid of those 342 microwave fondue pots they
But it’s not this easy or convenient
in other countries. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that stores in
Germany were allowed to stay open until 8 pm on weekdays and 4 pm on
Saturdays. Before that they were required to close at 6:30 during the week
and 2:00 on Saturdays. (Note: If after reading the previous sentence your
palms are sweaty, your breathing is labored, and you feel a tightness
around your chest, don’t call 911. It’s just further proof that
you’re a shopper.)
It’s hard to say what’s odder about
German shopping, that the stores weren’t open longer all along, that the
labor unions are still claiming it will destroy the nation, or that the
government can mandate a store’s hours of operation. But one thing’s
for sure, if they had Thanksgiving in Germany, American shoppers would be
taking junkets over there the next day so they could snap up all the
marked down lederhosen, bratwurst, and copies of The Von Trapp Family
Singers perform Black Sabbath’s Greatest Hits they could get their
little hands on.
So enjoy this pre-holiday season, for
before you know it the shopping will be over, the bills will be due, and
you’ll be spending your evenings at Shoppers Anonymous meetings saying
“My name is Bill, and I’m a shopper.” Hey, if you buy this, you’ll
2006 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
Rights Reserved. These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
them while standing in the checkout line.
more Doggy Style about shopping...