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Everything I Know I Learned From Donald Trump
by Mad Dog


As if owning buildings, casinos, and the 9:00 PM Thursday time slot isnít enough, Donald Trump has launched an institution of higher learning.
Wouldnít you know it? Just when high school graduates all over the country are looking at their caps and gowns trying to decide whether they should wear anything underneath them, along comes a brand new higher education choice to gum up their post-summer plans. This really sucks since you know they spent many agonizing hours pretending to listen to their guidance counselor, trying to wake up on Saturday morning to take the SAT exam for the sixteenth time, and writing entrance essays like ďWhy I think I should be admitted to your school even though my parents didnít donate enough money to buy a chair, much less endow one.Ē And even though theyíre heading off to such prestigious schools as Harvard, Stanford, and ó True School Alert! ó Chief Dull Knife College in Lame Deer, Montana, just the idea that they wonít be able to attend the newly formed Trump University until their sophomore year is about as depressing as the concept that one day theyíll have to get a real job. You know, like in another six or seven years when they graduate from college.

   Yes, there really is a Trump University. As if owning buildings, casinos, and the 9:00 PM Thursday time slot isnít enough, Donald Trump has launched an institution of higher learning. Itís not clear which one of his apprentices-to-be dreamed up the clever name Trump University, but they should be ďHired!Ē Or at least named provost so we can find out once and for all what the heck that job is all about. Headquartered in New York City, Trump University is being compared to The Learning Annex. In case youíre not familiar with The Learning Annex, itís the non-matriculating school where you can take such real-life courses as The Pleasure of Wine, How to Crochet, How to Make $100,000+ a Year Part-Time with Vending Machines, and How to Start a Sex Business For Fun or Profit. Apparently you have to wait until the upper level course before you learn how your sex business can be fun and profitable.


There are no grades, degrees, or chance to score at a football game or frat party. Itís a virtual university that consists entirely of online courses for sale, books for sale, self-assessment tools for sale, and home study courses for sale.
   Speaking of profit, Trump U. is definitely not a non-profit endeavor. I know, thatís a real shocker. And a strange double negative. You can tell itís for profit by their school philosophy: ďNo Child Who Has Enough Money For Tuition Left Behind.Ē But lest you think this isnít a bona fide educational endeavor, be aware that the president of the university is Michael Sexton, who is described as "an expert in accelerating the foundation and growth of early-stage companies." Okay, so heís not exactly Lawrence Summers, at least he probably knows when to keep his big mouth shut. Itís a safe bet that with the team of Sexton and The Donald at the helm, financial excellence will, uh, trump academic excellence.

   According to the schoolís web site, you can currently take courses in marketing, real estate, entrepreneurship, wealth creation, and self-assessment. Negotiation, communication, leadership, and blatant self-promotion bordering on egotism are coming soon. There are no grades, degrees, or chance to score at a football game or frat party. Itís a virtual university that consists entirely of online courses for sale, books for sale, self-assessment tools for sale, and home study courses for sale. Did I mention that everything is for sale? Thereís no campus, no freshman mixers, and no chance to see Omarosa walking down the hall shoving students into their lockers. Lord knows what students at this school do for fun.


Donít be surprised if one day soon you hear about new, virtually ivy-covered institutions of higher learning sprouting up, like say the John Bolton School of Diplomacy or the Martha Stewart School of Hard Knocks and Elegant Entertaining.
   At the moment there are only three courses being offered. There are, on the other hand, six books, several self-assessments, and an online store chock full of hats, T-shirts, golf shirts, and sweatshirts emblazoned with the Ivy League-ish looking Trump U. logo on them. In other words, thereís more merchandising than curriculum, meaning the school is only three courses ahead of Amazon.com University.

   Donald Trump isnít the first person to have his own university. Bob Jones, Oral Roberts, and Brigham Young have had theirs for years. The difference, of course, is that theirs are dedicated to helping people find god, not money. But this is, after all, the 21st century. If Trump University is successful you can bet it will spawn other celebrity schools. After all, nothing breeds unimaginative imitation like an original idea that makes lots of money. So donít be surprised if one day soon you hear about new, virtually ivy-covered institutions of higher learning sprouting up, like say the John Bolton School of Diplomacy or the Martha Stewart School of Hard Knocks and Elegant Entertaining. And donít be shocked to find out your nephew has applied to the Dick Cheney College of Ventriloquism or the Michael Jackson School for Boys. Luckily though, thereís one educational institution we donít have to worry about ever seeing ó the Trump School of Cosmetology and Haircutting. After all, even virtual universities need some credibility.

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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