Off The Road with Mad Dog
Rules for Eating on the Road - Eating on the road doesn't have to be left up to fate, good fortune, and the gods of salmonella and Maalox. You just have to know where to look and what to order. Whether youre in another country or another state, finding a place to eat and choosing your meal can be a challenge. Im here to make this a little less daunting.
Its The Culture, Stupid - People in other countries arent like us. That's what's known as a mixed blessing. On the one hand we can take pride in the fact that we didnt come up with the concept of eating raw fish, idolizing Jerry Lewis, or dancing to a band which features tuba-players in leather shorts. Then again, we have Reeses Peanut Butter Puffs cereal, Pauley Shore, and Marilyn Manson.
Why Americans Get A Bad Rap - People in other countries have a bad attitude when it comes to Americans. For some reason were pegged as ill-informed, loud, boorish, demanding, and arrogant. Right, like we dont have a good reason to be. Lets not forget who it was that came up with the light bulb, the transistor, the computer chip, and the Talking Nanny Doll, a 12"-tall Barbie replacement that comes with two outfits, a hairbrush, and spouts three Fran Drescherisms in the most obnoxious, whiny voice this side of Flatbush Brooklyn.
Playing Tourist - Its sure going to be nice when they phase in the Eurodollar. Finally we wont have to worry about changing one set of money that doesnt fit in our wallet for another as we travel through Europe. Now if theyd only switch to Eurotime along with it wed be in heaven. Well, assuming heavens a member of the European Community.
Inspecting Customs - In Ireland on St. Patricks Day, the Irish go to church and thank St. Patrick, their patron saint, for driving the snakes out of their homeland. Here in the United States we celebrate St. Patricks Day by throwing parades and parties and giving thanks to the inventors of green dye and potable alcohol. Somehow it would seem more appropriate if we celebrated Clare of Assisi Day and Bernadine of Siena Day, who are the patron saints of television and advertising.
It's Only Rock 'n Roll, N'est Pas? - The French have done it again. No, they haven't posthumously re-elected Charles de Gaulle as President, though judging by the current state of affairs over there it wouldn't be surprising. Or a bad idea. Rather, in their quest to maintain that much admired Gaulish purity and thigh-quivering sexy accent, the government has moved to eliminate non-French music from the airwaves. Okay, they haven't banned it completely, but they did declare that from now on 40 percent of the music played on the radio must be in French.
Hey! Who Moved The Arctic Circle? - For years scientists have known that her continents are sagging, her ocean floor has dropped, and her youthful figure has given way to a shape that would drive Richard Simmons to tears, something normally reserved for David Letterman. But now theyve made a more startling discovery: Howard Stern can drive Richard Simmons to tears too. Actually, theyve known this for years. The real news is that the Arctic Circle has moved.
Wind-up Romance - Scientists all over the world may retire now, safe in the knowledge that their probing minds and tinkering hands are no longer needed, for the ultimate invention has been created. Yes, after putting up with such bogus technological advances as the light bulb, the telephone and the Flow-Bee haircutting system, we can all sleep better at night knowing that any day now we'll be able to buy a wind-up radio that can help us find a wife.
Brand New Roadside Attractions - Terrapin Station, the planned ode to the Grateful Dead, will have a museum, a concert hall, an amusement park, a research center, a hotel, and a very big first aid station specializing in drug overdoses. They expect to have 1.2 million people dropping a year. I mean, dropping by a year.
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