Think about it: that’s nearly one awards ceremony a day. If experts say it’s not necessary to take a vitamin pill once a day, why in the world would anyone think we need an awards ceremony that often? After all, this means at least a half dozen people a day are thanking god for their award, as if he/she/it’s a voting member of the Academy and has nothing better to do than wade through a stack of movies to decide who should win Best Special Effects Sound Mixing In An Andorran Comic Short Film Directed By An Actor Who Should Stick to Acting. It means 332 chances to see glamorous stars wear dresses that have less chance of holding up than the current economic boom, which we now know is largely being supported by Jennifer Lopez’s mass purchases of double-sided tape. As was her dress at the Grammies.

     Who votes for these awards? Often it’s people who actually do that particular job. Hair stylists vote for their fellow hair stylists; screenwriters vote for the top screenplays. Not surprisingly, film critics give out their own awards. Not only does the Hollywood Foreign Press Association present the Golden Globe, but the Hollywood Film Critics give out their own awards, as do the Los Angeles critics, Chicago critics, Hong Kong critics, and even Online critics.

     Since NARAS, the group that awards the Grammies, wants as many people as possible to get an award, they invent new categories every year, which is why there’s Traditional Tropical Latin Performance (as opposed to Merengue Performance), Instrumental Soloist with Orchestra (as opposed to Instrumental Soloist Without Orchestra), and Rock Gospel (as opposed to Traditional Soul Gospel). If this trend continues, every voting member will have his or her own award, meaning we’ll have to sit through presentations for Best Album by Sting That Didn’t Sound Like The Last One, Loudest Song by Limp Bizket, and Most Intelligible Word by Bob Dylan. You might as well pull out your Daytimer and block out the first week of next February while you’re thinking of it.

     It’s true we’d all like to win an award, but does that mean we should? There’s a reason there’s only one Nobel Peace prize. Well, in addition to the fact that a quarter is flat so when you toss it only one side can face up. I won an award once: the Virginia Governor’s Screenwriting Competition. I got to go to Charlottesville, Virginia where I was presented with a certificate and a check. True, then-governor George Allen didn’t show up to hand out "his" award, but that was fine with me since his underling remembered to bring the state-issued check which cleared the bank and more than paid my way to Charlottesville to get it. Not much more, but that’s not the point.