A Few Words Before School Starts
by Mad Dog

It’s easy to tell that it’s back to school time—everything’s shorter. The days are shorter, parents’ tempers are shorter, and the line at the movie theater to see yet another 3-D animated sequel is so short you can sit in any seat you want and have plenty of room to stash that Barrel-O-Popcorn, 55-gallon drum of Coke, and platoon-size box of Milk Duds that just set you back $24.95.

   In case you don’t feel comfortable having this discussion, or can’t find a slot between Jon Minus Kate Plus 8, Dancing With Whatever Stars We Can Find Who Haven’t Danced Yet, and Megan Wants a Millionaire Not Be Murdered By One to do it, cut out the rest of this column and hand it to your target kid. After they stop looking at you with a blank stare because they haven’t seen words on anything but a screen all summer, they’ll ask you to text it to their cell phone. Whatever you do, don’t ask them how that’s done. You’re supposed to be the one in charge here. It’s bad enough they have to reset the clock on the microwave every time the power goes out, don’t remind them that you can’t remember which button turns on the computer.

   School is important. One day you’ll look back on it fondly as having been the best years of your life, though chances are that epiphany will occur during group therapy while you’re buzzed on Xanax. Even though the thought will pass quickly, you should make the most of these years anyway.

   Start off by getting plenty of sleep and eating a good breakfast. After all, unless you’re taking advanced chemistry you won’t be able to identify what they’re serving in the cafeteria for lunch so your Cheerios might have to last you until dinner.

   Study hard so you can stay in school. Remember, the alternative is working, and trust me, that’s no fun. If you do well in school you can go to college, then graduate school, then more graduate school, postponing your having to get a job for a long, long time.

   Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be channeled into a career just because your parents think it’s a good idea. Do what’s right for you. Parents naturally steer their kids towards careers like law, medicine, and investment banking. That’s because they like the idea of getting free legal advice, free medical care, and someone to blame when they have to spend their Golden Years asking, “Would you like paper or plastic?” And who can blame them? They don’t want to hear that your goal in life is to be a Cheetos taste tester, the winner of next year’s Nathan’s hot dog eating contest, or a professional Guitar Hero player, so lie if you have to. Remember, it’s for their own good. And yours.

   So what are some good career choices? Forget the perennial childhood favorites. Astronauts have to drink recycled pee, ballerinas tend towards eating disorders and mutilated feet, and while cowboys are okay in the country, they’re not in the city where walking around wearing leather chaps while carrying rope attracts boyfriends instead of cows. And humor writers, well, trust me, you don’t want them doing that.

   You should also forget wanting to be President. Sure it looks good on your resume. And yes, George Bush proved that indeed anyone can become President. But the competition’s tough, the job market is very limited, and aging 20 years in four months really isn’t as glamorous as you think. Better to aim to be a governor. Not only are there 50 times as many job opportunities, but you can have a fling with a Playboy bunny, keep a paramour in Argentina, and have a gay affair and still keep your job. Okay, maybe not the gay part, but that could change by the time you’re old enough for the job.

   Be careful though. Remember that your career isn’t the most important thing in life. According to a survey by Columbia University and the National Institutes of Health, most Americans say sexual satisfaction is more important than job satisfaction. Thus, you might want to sit down and think about which is more important to you so you know where to focus your energies.

   Either way, remember that practice makes perfect, doing your best is the goal, and homework is more fun if you decide sex is the most important thing. But whatever you do, don’t tell your parents you heard this from me. I need to keep my job. After all, I can’t dance, don’t have eight kids, and look old enough as it is without becoming president.