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All
Jobs Are Not Created Equal
by Mad Dog
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I think they were
trying to impress upon me that whatever I wanted to do with my life was
okay. Well, as long as I made enough money to take care of them in their
old age. |
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Jobs are like soul mates,
they say we each have a perfect match out there somewhere, it’s just a
matter of finding it. Of course they also say the harder you work the
more money you’ll make, it’s the thought that counts, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger can save California the same way he keeps saving John
Connor. The trick, of course, is finding that ideal career. This can
involve a lot of trial and error, which is why my career path resembles
Robert Downey, Jr. taking a sobriety test. But that’s okay, I figure
sooner or later I’ll stumble upon the right thing. Hey, even a blind
squirrel will find an acorn sooner or later.
This isn’t to say we should try
anything that comes along. After all, there are definitely jobs I know I
don’t want. When I was growing up my parents used to say it was a good
thing there were people who didn’t mind being garbage men because they
didn’t want to do it. I think they were trying to impress upon me that
whatever I wanted to do with my life was okay. Well, as long as I made
enough money to take care of them in their old age. Trust me, I’m not
happy about letting them down, though I do feel good that I can help my
mother from time to time by making her nice new cardboard signs that
say, “Will demonstrate my walker for money.”
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Another job I
don’t want is roadside urine collector. This is one of those careers
that the Birkman Personality Quiz doesn’t usually recommend. At least
I hope not. |
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While I don’t
have any desire to be a garbage man—nothing personal, it’s just that
I can’t imagine waking up that early—it would still be better than
some other jobs. A few days ago a whale washed up on a beach in San
Francisco. A dead one. A very stinky rotting dead one. A scientist had
the fun job of sawing off the decomposing animal’s head and fins,
which took the better part of an afternoon. While not nearly as
disgusting as being the poor projectionist who has to watch Charlie’s
Angels—Full Throttle over and over, it nevertheless won’t make
my list of Top 100 Jobs I Have To Try In My Lifetime.
Another
job I don’t want is roadside urine collector. This is one of those
careers that the Birkman Personality Quiz doesn’t usually recommend.
At least I hope not. In case you’ve blocked it from your mind, the
Birkman Personality Quiz is the test you took in school which was
supposed to help you discover which careers you’re best suited for.
It’s the one that asked whether you’d rather watch an opera naked
while sitting on a block of ice or listen to adorable, rich, white,
middle class, teenage pop stars with perfect bodies whine about how
difficult life is, a career way too many kids are having recommended to
them.
Years ago, one of my brother’s
friends was told that his test results showed he was best suited to be
either a farmer or a priest. He didn’t listen and went on to become a
successful lawyer, which only goes to show how inaccurate the test is.
It was on the right track though, since he’s done rather well for
himself planting seeds of doubt in jurors’ minds and convincing
clients to have unshakeable faith in him even when he forgets their
name, but it still needs to be updated. Especially since it doesn’t
recommend that anyone become a roadside urine collector yet it still
tells students to become doctors, politicians, and Carrot Top. As if we
need any more of them.
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This is actually the anti-job, since he’s paying for the
privilege of working, something I sincerely hope other employers—
especially my editors—don’t pick up on anytime soon. |
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Actually,
this isn’t a career I ever thought the world needed—roadside urine
collector, that is—but it does. Apparently there are people driving
cars who don’t want to waste time pulling into a rest stop to get rid
of those two Big Gulps they had for breakfast, so they pee in a bottle
and toss it out the car window. State road crews, not being able to tell
at a glance whether the bottles contain Gatorade, liquid anthrax, or
recycled coffee, are calling the hazardous materials team to get rid of
them, at an average cost of $2,500 per run. On one run, a crew in
California collected 300 bottles, which are sitting in a state office
right this minute waiting to be reclaimed by the rightful owners. After
30 days they’ll auction them off, so keep your eye on eBay.
Speaking
of eBay, it can be a good resource if you’re looking for a new job.
Fox Sports recently auctioned off a position as sportswriter-for-a-day
and some guy forked over $310 so he can write a story about a NASCAR
race and have it posted on the network’s web site. This is actually
the anti-job, since he’s paying for the privilege of working,
something I sincerely hope other employers—especially my
editors—don’t pick up on anytime soon. I have news for him, people
are paid to do that kind of work, even Rush Limbaugh. That’s right,
Rush is joining the line-up on ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown,
which is his consolation prize for having been glossed over for Dennis
Miller a few years back when Monday Night Football was suicidal
but didn’t feel up to calling a crisis hotline for help. Miller’s
lack of success should in no way be an object lesson for Limbaugh. After
all, who doesn’t want to see him humiliated on live TV?
All this should make you feel a
little better about your job. Especially if your day isn’t spent
decapitating rotting whales, collecting discarded urine bottles, or
bidding in online auctions for a fake, one-time career. Then again, it
might be inspiration. After all, it’s never too late to make a career
change.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while looking for an empty bottle to use in the car.
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