Is The Human Body Worth The Sum Of Its Parts?
by Mad Dog

   But times have changed and our bodies are worth more now, a lot more than can be accounted for by inflation. See, while tissues, diapers, and cute boy bands have become disposable, more and more body parts are being recycled. That’s right. Not only do they transplant hearts, livers, kidneys, and corneas, they use skin, bones, ligaments, blood vessels, valves, and that little flap of skin in the back of your throat which serves no purpose other than to make you snore. You know, the one whose name you won’t say because it sounds like it should be part of the female sex organs and you’re afraid your mother will wash your mouth out with soap if she hears you say uvula.

   When you add them up, our usable body parts are worth about $220,000, which is a nice chunk of cash. But before you go on a shopping spree figuring you’ll pay off the credit card bill by sending them your tibia—“Hey, I’ve got another”—you need to realize that it’s illegal to sell your body parts. It is, however, legal to buy them, but only if they were taken out in a sleazy hotel room and the donor woke up in a bathtub filled with ice. Just kidding. That’s actually an urban legend, like alligators crawling around the New York City sewer system, Neiman Marcus billing someone $250 for a “two-fifty” cookie recipe, and the Fox Network launching a new series called, “When Good Celebrity Boxing Goes Bad—Tonya Harding vs. Mike Tyson.”

   Not all body parts are usable. One organ that can’t be used after death is the brain. Unfortunately it often isn’t used much before death either. Just the same, a lot of brains are being saved. Scientists have collected the smartest (Einstein's), the most powerful (Stalin's), and the most warped (Jeffrey Dahmer’s). The world’s largest collection of preserved human brains, a whopping 8,000 of them, are housed at the Runwell Psychiatric Hospital in England. They say they’re keeping them for research purposes but I think they look at them as an investment, kind of a cerebral 401-K plan. One brain even they don’t have is John Dillenger's, though the Smithsonian Institute reputedly does have his penis and, as any woman will attest, this means they also have his brain.

   Eventually the day will come when slightly used brains will be on sale at your local tissue bank. And if you ever do need one I’m sure you’ll want a smart one. That’s why you should encourage people to chew gum. A recent study at England’s University of Northumbria found that people who chewed gum for three minutes before taking a memory test were more prone to stick the wad under the desk during the test. Just kidding. Actually everyone did that.

   This is the brand new no muss, no fuss way to keep your brain and body in shape. Fuji Spinning, a Japanese textile manufacturer, claims that wearing clothing made from V-UP, their new fiber, will supply you with two lemons’ worth of vitamin C a day. And you’ll get it without having to walk around with a puckered look on your face. Well, as long as you don’t look at the price tag. These vitamin-enriched blouses and shirts are available in Japanese stores now, with T-shirts and underwear coming out in the spring. If it’s successful you can expect to see vitamin D diapers for kids, B12 bras for women, and men’s underwear that dispenses Viagra next fall.

   So start getting that body in shape. After all, it won’t be long before capitalism, the free market, and other economic forces—like greed—make selling your body legal. And when it is, you don’t want to be the only person on your block who can’t get anyone on eBay to bid on it. How embarrassing. 

©2002 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while holding the newspaper with the hand you haven't sold yet.