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Trimming
the Budget With a Fund Razor
by Mad Dog
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During this
process the president tosses the word veto at them as often as he can as
a threat. They think he means he won’t sign it. He actually means
he’ll send Vito and his baseball bat to visit the congressmen in the
middle of the night. |
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It’s budget time again.
Not my budget time, which is pretty much a day-in day-out
how-come-all-my-figures-are-on-the-expense-side thing, but the
government’s budget. By law, each January the president has to sit
down with a pencil, paper, and calculator and figure out how much money
we have to spend. Then he doubles it, divides by the square root of the
amount his biggest campaign contributor donated last year, and adds a
few billion for good measure. The result is almost always more than
we’re expected to take in, which is why it’s called “sound fiscal
policy.” Just kidding. Actually it’s called deficit spending. It
only sounds like a fiscal policy.
It’s living off your credit cards,
except the government doesn’t have those embarrassing moments when
their card is declined. Then again the government doesn’t get frequent
flier miles for every dollar spent, doesn’t have to worry about
identity theft since everyone knows what Uncle Sam looks like, and
doesn’t get bills each month crammed with offers for appointment
calendars, life insurance, and light blue polyester elastic waist pants.
Once the president has his budget he
hands it to Congress. They scream because the deficit is so high, cut as
much fat out of it as they can, bury even more fat in budgetary nooks
and crannies no one would think to look in, then pass it. During this
process the president tosses the word veto at them as often as he can as
a threat. They think he means he won’t sign it. He actually means
he’ll send Vito and his baseball bat to visit the congressmen in the
middle of the night. It’s well documented that President Bush isn’t
the world’s best speller or enunciator. Or Congress the best
listeners.
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The current budget
comes up $521 billion short — which is known as a shortfall, deficit,
$1781.07 per citizen, or ticking time bomb — so why not make some
money by boosting sales of the budget itself? |
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If you want to check out the budget you can do it online at gpoaccess.gov/usbudget.
Of course at a whopping 63.7 MB you’ll need a lot of Visine. If you
want to curl up in bed with it, you can buy a 1,268-page printed version
for $69. That’s pretty pricey, especially when you realize it’s
shorter than most Stephen King novels. Of course since the odds are slim
the budget will be made into a TV movie that bears little resemblance to
the original other than the title, there’s more of an incentive to
read it than a Stephen King novel. It’s also cheaper than Sominex.
It’s not easy getting your hands on
a copy of the budget since it’s only available through the U.S.
Government. This makes it difficult for the average American to have a
good, solid doorstop during the next hurricane. This is a shame, since
if the government played its cards right the budget could be a profit
center, and there’s no question we need all the profit centers we can
get our hands on. Think about it, the current budget comes up $521
billion short — which is known as a shortfall, deficit, $1781.07 per
citizen, or ticking time bomb — so why not make some money by boosting
sales of the budget itself? After all, according to governmental math,
every dollar brought in on the revenue side means two can be added to
the expense side.
For starters, it needs to be more
readily available. They could start by selling it on Amazon.com, where
it would show up as a “Customers interested in this book may also be
interested in” suggestion when you’re looking at Personal
Bankruptcy for Dummies, The Rise and Fall of the Roman
Empire, or The Best of Fantasy and Science Fiction. They
could also offer signed first editions at a premium price, though
obviously they need to be signed by President Bush and not budget
director Joshua Bolten. Nothing personal, but if it takes me ten minutes
to search for his name online it’s a safe bet no one’s going to pay
extra to see it on their Special (Tax) Collector’s Edition of the
Fiscal Year 2005 Federal Budget.
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The government should hire a ghostwriter, someone to spice
it up a bit. Sue Grafton could turn it into D is For Deficit.
And Michael Crichton would have a winner on his hands if he rewrote it
as Jurassic Pork. |
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Next, they need to sex it up. Budgets don’t make for fun
reading, as any couple who has sat at the kitchen table hashing theirs
out until one of them winds up sleeping on the couch will testify. Face
it, 1,268 pages of dry figures is something only an accountant could
like, and even then only were they billing someone for their reading
time. The government should hire a ghostwriter, someone to spice it up a
bit. In fact, they could get different writers to do individualized
versions. Sue Grafton could turn it into D is For Deficit.
Danielle Steel could make it The Promise – Part II. And Michael
Crichton would have a winner on his hands if he rewrote it as Jurassic
Pork.
Illustrations would be a nice touch.
You know, livestock in the agriculture section, planes and bombs in the
defense section, and a pork barrel next to the local projects which
exist solely to thank Congressmen for their votes. Right, like a
thank-you note wouldn’t suffice. Come to think of it, they definitely
should put a photo of a pork barrel in there since I’ve always
wondered what one actually looks like, and that would mean I could write
off the price of the budget as an educational deduction on my taxes.
While they’re at it, why not drop a few cartoons in to take the edge
off the incredibly serious drabness, designer covers to spiff up the
outside, and maybe include a CD of Willie Nelson singing The Beatles’ Tax
Man.
If they did a good enough job, and
each American bought one at $69, that would eliminate $20 billion of the
deficit. It wouldn’t solve the deficit problem, but it would certainly
be a start. At the very least it would let Congress add financing for
another much needed project, like a ship dry-dock in South Dakota. That
is, if there isn’t already money allocated for it in that cranny on
page 1,164.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them, at least they're shorter than the federal budget.
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