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Livin' La Vida
California
by Mad Dog
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It’s
rather ironic that while I sit here waiting for the Big One, they’re
back east getting slammed by back-to-back hurricanes and inundated by
massive floods. |
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Living in California has
its advantages. I know this will come as a surprise to my family and
friends whose first response when they heard I was moving here was,
“Why would you want to live in a place that’s going to have an
earthquake and fall into the ocean any day now?” Of course the next
thing they said was, “Oh good, now that I have a free place to stay I
can change my plans and go to California for two weeks instead of
Cancun,” which tells you a lot about how they weigh fear vs. saving a
buck. Not to mention what kind of family and friends I have.
Thus it’s rather ironic that while
I sit here waiting for the Big One, they’re back east getting slammed
by back-to-back hurricanes, being inundated by massive floods in spite
of a gazillion-dollar floodwall the Army Corps of Engineers constructed
to stop, well, massive floods, and swatting their way through mosquito
invasions that inspire more shock and awe than the invasion of Iraq even
though it’s lacking the cutesy slogan and dramatic music that usually
accompanies such an Official Event. A shame too, since it would make
smacking the obnoxious little buggers a lot more fun. Luckily none of my
friends or family live in the Midwest or Hawaii so they don’t have to
stay awake nights worrying about pesky tornados and the impending
eruption of Mauna Loa. Oh, did I mention that in the eight years I’ve
lived in California I haven’t felt more than a couple of very minor
couch-trembling earthquakes?
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Aside
from not having to take part in the Early Fall Natural Disaster
Cavalcade, there are other advantages to living in California. In the
non-catastrophe category there’s the fact that we have Arnold as
governor and you don’t. |
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This doesn’t mean life here is unexciting and boring just
because we don’t have to evacuate our homes once a week during the
fall, can switch off the Weather Channel anytime we want without
doubling up on Xanax in the hope it will stave off the feeling that if
we miss a crucial update about a storm that’s 1,000 miles and four
days away we’ll wind up as tropical storm toast, or watch Twister over
and over to make sure we know what an approaching tornado looks like.
And wonder why if one hits we won’t be waiting it out in the cozy
storm cellar with Helen Hunt. Or Bill Paxton if that’s your
preference. What it does mean is that we can spend our time doing all
the things Californians prefer to do with our lives, like eat granola,
work out at the gym, and shop for new socks to wear under our
Birkenstocks. Just kidding. Actually Birkenstocks are out. Anyone
who’s anyone without a fashion sense knows Tevas and socks are the new
statement.
Aside from not having to take part in
the Early Fall Natural Disaster Cavalcade, there are other advantages to
living in California. In the non-catastrophe category there’s the fact
that we have Arnold as governor and you don’t. Okay, some people would
say this is miscategorized, but since he hasn’t done anything more
catastrophic than to continue thinking the phrase “girlie-men” is as
cute and fun as tacking the ending “-inator” on any word in the
English language, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. For now.
Besides, he recently signed a bill outlawing necrophilia, so how bad can
he be?
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It shows
that the Republican National Committee was right on target when it
created the platform plank: “You can never have too many laws or too
much special interest money in the bank.” |
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That’s right, as of last week it’s now illegal to have sex
with corpses in the state of California. Don’t worry, I‘m sure
it’s not too late to cancel the movers, or at least tell them to
reroute your belongings to Arkansas. If you already live in California,
I’d suggest you don’t go breaking this news to your significant
other in order to get out of performing your significant otherly duties.
Keep in mind that according to this law a corpse is defined as someone
who’s dead, not someone who just lays there acting like it. Sorry.
The state legislature passed this law
because apparently there wasn’t one on the books. Legal experts say
this is amazing since they thought lawmakers had long ago dreamed up a
way to regulate everything that could be regulated. And a few things
which couldn’t. It shows that the Republican National Committee was
right on target when it created the platform plank: “You can never
have too many laws or too much special interest money in the bank.”
There are other advantages to living
in California. Anyone can marry anyone as long as you don’t care
whether it’s a legal marriage. We have the first Great White shark in
captivity at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and surprisingly it’s not Mark
Geragos. And we can scoff all we want at the man in the Batman costume
who made it to the ledge of Buckingham Palace because we see people
walking around dressed like that every day. And yes, some of them are
going to get married. Hey, at least we don’t get many hurricanes and
tornados.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them instead of the weather forecast.
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