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Confessing
a Guilty Pleasure
by Mad Dog
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As
guilty pleasures go this one’s not bad. It won’t make me fat, I
won’t get zits, I won’t grow hair on my palms, and I don’t
have to remember how to spell Van Damme when I’m at the video
store. |
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We all have our guilty pleasures. These are the secret things we
indulge ourselves in, usually sneaking them when no one’s around,
overdoing it when we do, and—for god’s sake!—never letting on
that we do it. It’s easy to spot a guilty pleasure because it
lives up to its name. If you enjoy it and don’t feel bad while
fighting the impulse, caving in to the impulse, and beating yourself
up afterward, then it just doesn’t qualify.
Most guilty pleasures
are pretty innocuous. Some people sneak chocolate, others read
Harlequin Romances slipped inside the cover of the Oxford English
Dictionary. I watch “Change of Heart.” This is the syndicated TV
show where two couples who have been seeing each other for between
three months and a year go out on dates with other people,
supposedly to test their relationship though in fact it’s to sell
more toilet paper. Then they go on national TV where host Chris
Jagger smirks and mugs while they and their dates tell about having
a big night out on the town while their now rather insignificant
feeling other gets defensive, makes rude comments, and wonders how
in the hell they ever got talked into this. At the end they each
make a decision about whether to stay together or slink into a hole
and commit suicide. Just kidding. The other alternative is to have a
change of heart, otherwise they would have named the show “Slink
Into a Hole and Commit Suicide.”
As guilty pleasures
go this one’s not bad. It won’t make me fat, I won’t get zits,
I won’t grow hair on my palms, and I don’t have to remember how
to spell Van Damme when I’m at the video store. In fact, the only
problem I have with it is it’s on late so sometimes I fall asleep
in the middle of it and wake up at 3:00 am wondering if the couple
stayed together or had a change of heart. Luckily I don’t wonder
for long.
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After all, we
all know nothing strengthens a relationship more than going out with
a total stranger, then telling your partner that this person is
better looking, has a nicer body, is wittier, isn’t cheap, is more
romantic, kisses better, and, oh, you get the idea.
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When I first saw the show I hated it. Watching it was too much like
being with friends who are having an argument—you just want to
cover your ears and hum ABBA songs real loud so you don’t have to
hear them. This works like a charm, not because your humming covers
up their fighting, but because ABBA always clears the room so the
next thing you know you have peace, quiet, and solitude again.
But somewhere along
the line I got drawn into the show. It’s like slowing down to
watch a car accident only better because there’s no blood (at
least until after the taping, but we don’t have to witness that),
I don’t have to try to remember what number to call to reach 911,
and I don’t have to feel bad because I didn’t stop to give
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, though to be honest there have been a
few women on the show I wouldn’t mind giving it to. Of course, my
luck being what it is they always decided to stay together.
I’m not sure what
the attraction is. It might be a fascination with wondering why two
people would do this in the first place. After all, we all know
nothing strengthens a relationship more than going out with a total
stranger, then telling your partner that this person is better
looking, has a nicer body, is wittier, isn’t cheap, is more
romantic, kisses better, and, oh, you get the idea. Then again, the
attraction could be from wondering why, if they were going to
do something like this, they’d do it on national TV. Of course
it’s a good thing people do or we wouldn’t have Oprah, Ricki
Lake, Jerry Springer, or all those people standing outside the Today
show studio grinning and holding up signs that say “I’m from
Missouri and I’m going to reinforce all the stereotypes you have
of us.” Come to think of it, maybe this isn’t such a good thing.
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The truth is I spend most of my TV time switching back
and forth between the Weather Channel and the Prevue Channel hoping
to catch the 5-Day Forecast or find out what’s on now. Somehow I
never see either one.
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But chances are the real reason I like the show is the
element of surprise. Somehow these people went out on a blind date,
knew their partner was going out on a blind date, yet they still
manage to be shocked when they hear their partner had a good time.
The most commonly heard phrases on the show are: “But that’s our
favorite restaurant!”, “You mean you kissed on the first
date?”, and “What do you mean we’re not getting paid?” I
guess in the back of their minds they figured there was no way their
partner could have fun with anyone other than them. That’s
assuming they were using their mind at all.
Watching “Change of
Heart” qualifies as a bona fide guilty pleasure since I enjoy it,
I feel like I shouldn’t, and until now I hadn’t told anyone I do
it. Kind of like sex is for Catholics. And while this confession
should have the 12-step effect of making me feel better—“I’m
Mad Dog and I like a really insipid TV show”—it doesn’t. Maybe
that’s because I watch so little TV—Really! I’m
serious!—that I feel I should be watching something on PBS, the
Discovery Channel, or the Learning Channel. But the truth is I spend
most of my TV time switching back and forth between the Weather
Channel and the Prevue Channel hoping to catch the 5-Day Forecast or
find out what’s on now. Somehow I never see either one.
So I’ll continue
with my guilty pleasure, at least until either I tire of it or they
run out of people who want to come on TV, bicker like children who
are jealous because the other got a new book bag, then smile at the
end and declare that the person they just spent a half hour slagging
is actually the ideal mate for them. Something tells me I’ll tire
of it long before that happens.
©2000 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them. Or have a change of heart and don't.
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