Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Names Are Forever
by Mad Dog

   Celebrities didn’t always choose goofy names for their children. Robert Alda named his son Alan, John Raitt called his daughter Bonnie, and Robert Downey took the easy path and named his son Robert, though to be fair he did add a “Junior” to the end. But that’s not the case anymore. Once Frank Zappa decided to call his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit — gag me with a spoon! — the floodgates opened up. Sylvester Stallone named his son Sage Moonblood. Not to be outdone in the pseudo-Indian naming contest, John Mellencamp came up with Speck Wildhorse. Gee, what ever happened to plain old Tonto? Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to Apple, Christie Brinkley chose Sailor, and Demi and Bruce take turns parenting Rumer Glenn, Scout LaRue and Tallulah Belle.

   It’s possible that stars do this more than us mere mortals because they want to make sure their children stand apart from Mom or Dad’s celebrity shadow, but is that any excuse to name your daughter Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily as the late Michael Hutchence did, or Fifi Trixabelle like Bob Geldof? At least those girls can sleep well knowing they weren’t named Tu like actor Rob Morrow’s daughter. You know, as in Tu Morrow. Can a starring role in the local community theater production of Annie not be in her future?

   Parents need to realize that the name they give a child has a big effect on his or her life. That’s right, your personality, career path, and chances for happiness are right there in those sometimes randomly chosen letters. Think about it. Presidents are named Bill, George, Jimmy, and Dick. Stockbrokers are named Chip, Biff, Sarah, and Tiffany. Any of them can be named unindicted co-conspirators. Many, in fact, are. I hate to be the one to break the news, but the odds of seeing a President Fifi Trixabelle or a Prime Minister Apple in our lifetime is about as good as George Clooney playing Laura in a film version of The Glass Menagerie. True, there’s a Fortney and Alcee and Edolphus running around Congress, but how can you take any governing body seriously that thinks it makes sense to spend $250 million to build a bridge from an Alaskan island with 150 residents to a town of 25,000 people when the current ferry makes the journey in five minutes?

   Will celebrities listen to LaBeouf and start naming their children Henry and Sarah instead of Pilot Inspektor, as actor Jason Lee did, or Audio Science, as Shannyn Sossamon brilliantly decided to do? Probably not, though who are we to argue with convenience. After all, celebrities are busy people, they don’t have a lot of spare time on their hands. By choosing a name that is equally inappropriate — and equally psychically traumatizing — for either a son or daughter, they save time and potentially marriage busting name choosing arguments. Though you have to wonder how someone convinces their spouse that Pilot Inspektor is a really good name choice.

   With the announcement that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a child, I think it’s time to set up a baby naming pool for them. If it’s a boy there’s a good chance they’ll go for Thomas Cruise Mapother V. Yes, Tom is actually the IVth. If it’s a girl, they could name her Kathleen after Katie’s mother. Why stop the family Kath- streak now? But they’re a Hollywood couple, so chances are the child will be named Finnbar Kal-el Apple Tiger Lily L. Ron Hubbard Cruise. You can call it doomed, for short.

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Don't forget to read the celebrity birth announcements.