Unfortunately They Didn’t Say “Phatest”
by Mad Dog

   Cities need simple identities too. Las Vegas is Sin City, and no one’s going to argue with that except maybe the creators of the movie by the same name. San Francisco is known for Rice-a-Roni even though no one there eats the stuff, it’s not made there, and not one restaurant in town offers it on the menu. Hey, the city’s other nickname is Baghdad by the Bay and no one knows what that’s all about either. Then there’s Chicago, which used to be known as the Windy City but is now officially the Fattest City in the United States. My, how things change.

   I’m not making this up, Men’s Fitness magazine did. Having already run all the articles their readers really wanted, like “Abs of Graphite Composite — Are They Really Better Than Steel?” and “Pilates, Greek Philosopher or Trendy Torture?”, they decided to rank the largest cities in the United States using categories like exercise habits, the number of fast food restaurants, smoking, and how many people can see their feet while standing up. Chicago won. Or lost, depending on how you look at it. I’d propose a toast to their being crowned Number One but I’m afraid some Chicagoan would grab it out of my hands and eat it.

   Chicago’s problem could be rooted in their deep dish pizza. Or their hot dogs, though I’d think the healthy salad they put on top negates any fat, nitrites, and artificial coloring that might find its way into the wiener. But according to Men’s Fitness, neither of those are the culprit. They say the problem is a love of television and a hatred of exercise. Apparently people in Chicago take the name La-Z-Boy literally.

   All is not lost, though. They can take solace in knowing that a few years ago Philadelphia was ranked the fattest in the nation and now it’s not even in the top ten. See what happens when everyone makes a concerted effort to eat only low-fat, cholesterol-free, no carb cheesesteaks without trans-fats or caffeine added? Yeah, right. Actually, Philadelphia probably raised its ranking by using the tried and true method they’re accustomed to — bribing the judges.

   Chicago could have a worse title. After all, Cleveland is known as the Mistake on the Lake, Winnemucca, NV, is the City of Paved Streets, and Lodi, WI, is the Home of Susie the Duck. Seriously. One nickname that might get proud Chicagoans riled up is Cincinnati’s – Porkopolis. But don’t even bother putting that remote down to pretend you want to fight, oh people of Chicago, Cincinnati had it first.

   New Jersey recently decided their state slogan was getting stale so they set out to get a new one. It’s not that the old one — “New Jersey & You, Perfect Together” — was horrible, it just got embarrassing when they discovered doctors were dispensing bumper stickers emblazoned with the slogan as a soporific. The state paid a consultant $260,000 to come up with a new slogan (“New Jersey: We'll Win You Over”) but acting Gov. Richard Codey hated it and asked the public for suggestions. The best finalist was “New Jersey: The Real Deal,” which should give you a clue as to what the others are like. Apparently “What’s Wasting 260 Grand Amongst Friends?” didn’t make the cut. Citizen voting just ended so we should know which won soon. I don’t know about you, but the suspense is killing me.

   Which reminds me, New Jersey’s slogan could be worse. Last week the BBC dubbed Jamaica the “Murder Capital of the World.” Catchy, but not exactly something you can base a tourism campaign on, better yet use to entice people to buy T-shirts, coffee mugs, gun holsters, and bikini body armor. Maybe if they made it a little catchier, it would help. Something like “Jamaica: It’s Killing Me” could turn the negative into a positive. Or “Jamaica: At Least We’re Not the Fattest.”

   Eat your hearts out, Chicago. But if you do, broil them, don’t fry them.

©2006 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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