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Now
Where Did I Leave That Bone Again?
by Mad Dog
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It was nice to
know I had a healthy colon. And a normal size one too. Just a few weeks
before, in what I’d hoped wasn’t a classic case of foreshadowing, I
saw a human colon which was 27 feet long and 8 feet in
circumference. |
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I got a look at my colon
the other day and it wasn’t a pretty sight. No, I didn’t stick my
head into a place where other people often say I already have it.
Neither did I commit hari-kari and watch it spill out like so many
chitlins waiting for someone crazy enough to cook them up and eat them.
What I did get was a chance to see the inside of my colon thanks to a
modern medical technique where a doctor sticks a camera up your butt.
And gets paid to do it. Wow, talk about a dream job.
The procedure’s called a
sigmoidoscopy, and while the doctor was poking around my insides with a
disposable camera I watched the action on a color monitor. Just kidding
about the disposable camera, though if it were me doing the procedure
I’d dispose of it in a heartbeat. I won’t gross you out by telling
you just how smooth, slick, pink and clean as a proverbial whistle my
colon was, and well it should have been. Lets just say I’d be
perfectly happy if my first adventure with a laxative and two
first-thing-in-the-morning enemas were also my last.
Not only did I discover what my colon
looks like, I also discovered that I’m not masochistic enough to enjoy
giving myself a big case of diarrhea on purpose. This is a good thing to
know, especially since my mother always told me that learning boundaries
was an important part of growing up. Okay, she didn’t really say that.
In fact, she never said anything even close to it. What she did say was
that I shouldn’t run with an enema in my hand or I’d poke my eye
out.
It
was nice to know I had a healthy colon. And a normal size one too. Just
a few weeks before, in what I’d hoped wasn’t a classic case of
foreshadowing, I visited the Mütter Museum at
the College of Physicians of Philadelphia and saw a human colon which
was 27 feet long and 8 feet in circumference. To put that into
perspective, the average colon is about six feet long. The average
semicolon, on the other hand, is about the width of a human hair. I’m
not positive, but I think I stole that line from Henny Youngman.
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They have a
collection of over 2,000 items which Dr. Jackson removed from people’s
bodies, all without resorting to surgery. I don’t know which is more
amazing, that he got all the objects out or that he had so many patients
who would stick things in their orifices. |
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The oversize colon had been removed from a man who died of
constipation around the turn of the century. Surprising, isn’t it?
When they did the autopsy they found—now hold onto your barf
bag—two-and-a-half “pails of excrement.” And people tell me I’m
full of crap. But as huge and ridiculous as that colon was, it was
nowhere near as large as the Colossal Colon I saw a few months ago. It
wasn’t real, which was a shame, but you could crawl through it, which
is something you couldn’t do at the Mütter Museum. It was 40 feet
long and 4 feet high which, come to think of it, isn’t that much
larger than the guy’s colon in the museum. While it was exponentially
larger than mine, it definitely wasn’t as good looking. It was
diseased, being peppered with polyps, cancer and arrows which read:
“Your lunch was here.” Don’t you hate it when education gets in
the way of a nice colon crawl?
The Colossal Colon also had
diverticula, which are little pockets in the lining, much like the one
that’s above the right front pocket of your jeans which you haven’t
found a good use for yet. Diverticula would be good places to hide
things except that you have to wait to retrieve them naturally. Unless,
that is, you know a doctors like Chevalier Jackson. Downstairs in the Mütter
Museum, not far from the body cast of Eng and Chang, the original
Siamese Twins, the tumor removed from Grover Cleveland, and the
woman whose body turned to soap after she was buried, they have a
collection of over 2,000 items which Dr. Jackson removed from people’s
bodies, all without resorting to surgery. I don’t know which is more
amazing, that he got all the objects out or that he had so many patients
who would stick things in their orifices. Most doctors probably see a
handful of cases like this in their career. If they’re lucky. Then
again, it may have been Jackson’s specialty. “I’m going to refer
you to Dr. Jackson. He’s the best around at removing coffee beans from
your upper sinuses.”
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I’d hate to think that one of the doctors might be
absentminded and forget where he left it. "Damn....I know I put
that piece of skull somewhere for safekeeping but it's nowhere around." |
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Among the objects the good doctor removed were seeds, shells,
coins, “dental material,” and bones. While it might seem odd for
someone to stash a bone internally, it’s not really that unusual.
Supposedly Roy Horn of “Siegfried and” fame has a piece of his skull
in his stomach. It’s true. Doctors taking care of Horn, who was mauled
by a tiger in Las Vegas recently, have reportedly removed one-fourth of
the right side of his skull to relieve pressure in the brain. They stuck
it in a pouch and implanted it in his stomach until the swelling in his
brain goes down, at which time they’ll put it back.
It’s a good thing this was reported
in the news. I’d hate to think that one of the doctors might be
absentminded and forget where he left it. "Damn....I know I put
that piece of skull somewhere for safekeeping but it's nowhere around.
Hmmmmm......where would I have put it? I know it was some place where
I’d be sure to remember it. Oh.....that’s right....it’s in a pouch
in his stomach! Hey, maybe that's where I left that pair of sunglasses,
the Jack Johnson CD, and the TV remote I’ve been looking for for the
past month!"
That’s why I’m glad I got to see my colon live and in person. Aside
from knowing it’s fine and healthy, I can sleep better at night
knowing there aren’t any buttons, coins, or pieces of my skull hiding
in there. I know because I saw for myself.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them when you can't watch your colon on TV.
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