Amazing Color-Changing Food
by Mad Dog

   It started a couple of years ago when Heinz (motto: “57,000 varieties”) came out with Blastin’ Green ketchup for kids. It’s pretty much the same as boring old red ketchup except it looks like it’s been sitting out for way too long. It went over so well with parents who will buy their children anything in order to shut them up that the following year Heinz put out Funky Purple, which tastes just like the other colors except it makes you think you’re eating Barney. Come to think of it, that may not be such a bad thing.

   Now Ore-Ida, a division of—yes, you guess it—Heinz, is getting ready to roll out Funky Fries, a line of specially flavored and shaped French fries which include brown and blue versions. That’s right, soon you’ll be able to buy Kool Blue French fries, which are “sky blue seasoned,” and Cocoa Crispers, which are—hang onto your sweet tooth—chocolate flavored. MMMmmmmmm! So far Heinz hasn’t said what sky blue tastes like but I suspect it’s the same as sky blue Popsicles. Whatever flavor those are.

   The idea of brown chocolate French fries covered in purple ketchup is not only disgusting from a taste point of view, but from an aesthetic one too. If this trend keeps up refrigerators will not only have ice makers, water dispensers, Internet hook-ups, and fondue pots built in, but will come with a color wheel attached. Either that or Heinz will hook up with Garanimals to make it easier to color coordinate dinner.

   Most of these products are being colorized thanks to food dyes that have numbers instead of names, but some are being done naturally. Scientists in New Zealand (motto: “The Other Australia”) have developed a kiwi fruit with gold flesh, no hair on the outside, and a sweeter taste. Other than those changes it’s the exact same fruit. They’re doing this because, well, it’s easier than discovering a new one.

   The motivation for this mutant kiwi is so they can tap into the Asian market, where foul-smelling durians are so popular that some countries, like Singapore, ban them from buses, subways, and hotels, yet mildly tart kiwis just don’t make the grade. For starters, they might consider going back to the fruit’s original name, which was Chinese gooseberry. There’s nothing like giving the illusion that a product is local to help sales. They changed the name a number of years ago for marketing purposes, figuring that since they grow them in New Zealand and they kind of look like the fluffy kiwi bird, it would sell better. It worked. Now that they’ve developed the new bald variety they’re going to have to change its name from Zespri Gold to Bruce Willis Fruit.

   If companies continue to change the color of food we’re going to see an interesting phenomenon: colliding trends. Last year several books came out which advocate eating according to a food’s color. What Color Is Your Diet? claims we should choose our fruits and vegetables based on their color. The Color Code: A Revolutionary Eating Plan for Optimum Health takes it one step farther, saying we should only eat foods which match our dining room. Just kidding. Actually it claims that different colors in foods have different properties, blue being good for the brain, orange good for the heart, and green good for the author’s bank account, especially if enough people fall for this.

   If companies start arbitrarily changing the color of food we won’t know what to eat, especially if we start wrapping it in the new food wrap the USDA has developed. They’ve figured out a way to turn apples, oranges, and carrots into thin sheets which can keep food fresh in the refrigerator. This means one day you may have to figure out when it’s best to eat brown Cocoa Crisper chocolaty French fries covered in green ketchup topped with pink M&M’s wrapped in red strawberry-flavored wrapping. I have no clue when that time might be, but I sure hope there’s enough for seconds. 

©2002 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while munching on some multi-colored food.