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This Column For
Sale. Cheap.
by Mad Dog
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Recently I came up with a plan. I put my column up for bid
on eBay. |
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Like most people, I’m
always on the lookout for ways to make more money, especially if I can
do it without working harder, longer, or preferably, at all. It’s bad
enough that I wasn’t born independently wealthy as I should have been
— something my therapist, my mother, and I are still working through
— because I’m good at spending money. Too good, in fact. If you
don’t believe me, just ask my credit card companies.
The problem is I’m not good at
amassing money. It certainly doesn’t make me feel any better to learn
that Warren Buffet earned $567 million the other day without having to
do anything but vote “yes” to a merger between Gillette and Proctor
and Gamble. Yes, that’s half a billion dollars. In one day. He
didn’t create anything, invent anything, help anyone, or even have to
get out of bed to do it. On top of that, he probably already gets all
the razor blades he’ll ever need free. That’s what I call a dream
job. Heck, I’d vote “yes” to just about anything other than
cloning Paris Hilton if it meant I could earn that kind of money.
Recently I came up with a plan. It
was revealed that syndicated commentator Armstrong Williams had been
paid $240,000 by the Department of Education (a wholly owned division of
the United States Government) to plug, promote, and otherwise shill for
President Bush’s No Child Left Behind education program on his radio
show and in his newspaper column. That hit home because I write a
column, I need money, and I have about the same level of ethics as a
rampaging Mongol horde. Well, back in the good old days when rampaging
hordes were in vogue, anyway. So I put my column up for bid on eBay. The
ad read:
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Sadly, I
didn’t get a single bid, and I’m cheap. I mean, the bidding was to
start at $10, how much cheaper can you get? |
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Syndicated
commentary for rent
Do you have an
agenda you need promoted and want to make sure people say kind things
about it? Bid on a promotional plug in a new blog (Doggy Style at
maddogblog.com). And why not? It came out the other day that the
Education Department paid $240,000 to syndicated commentator Armstrong
Williams to promote President Bush’s No Child Left Behind education
program on his radio show and newspaper column, why should you be left
behind? If the bid is high enough it will be included in a full-fledged
humor column on The Mad Dog Weekly (maddogproductions.com). Think of the
exposure!
Get the word out.
And get it out the way you want it out, regardless of the truth.
Remember, Let no Propaganda Be Left Behind.
[Bidding is open
to government agencies only.]
Sadly, I didn’t get a single bid,
and I’m cheap. I mean, the bidding was to start at $10, how much
cheaper can you get? It was particularly sad since about a week later it
came out that newspaper columnist Maggie Gallagher had been given
$21,500 from the Department of Health and Human Services, and $20,000
from the Justice Department, for promoting a government marriage
initiative in her syndicated columns. Something tells me the initiative
wasn’t about gays getting married either. As if that wasn’t bad
enough, it turned out that Michael McManus, yet another columnist, was
paid to push the same thing. So the question arose: How do I climb
aboard this gravy train?
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I’ve
already prepared a column with blanks left in it. The column is
positive, upbeat, and very persuasive. All I need to do is drop the name
of the government program in the slots and it’s ready to go. |
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I scoured the federal government’s web site (motto: “We
don’t need no stinkin’ privacy policy”) looking for a commentary
leasing program I could apply for, but they were nowhere to be found. I
came across a listing looking for a fashion consultant for Dick Cheney
so he doesn’t embarrass himself and the rest of the country again like
he did when he went to the 60th anniversary of the liberation of
Auschwitz wearing a green snow parka, brown hiking boots, and a knit ski
cap that reads “Staff 2001” while the other world leaders were
dressed in respectful, conservative black. I also found a listing
looking for someone to operate a 5-second delay on George Bush’s mouth
so he doesn’t have to apologize for what he says, such as when he
recently admitted, “One of the things I’ve learned is that sometimes
words have consequences you don’t intend them to. ‘Bring ‘em on’
is a classic example.” Those could both be fun and profitable jobs but
they’re not what I was looking for. They sound too much like work.
So I reposted my listing
on eBay in the hopes that the increased notoriety the column
for rent field has been getting of late will boost the chances of my
receiving at least one bid. I’ve already prepared a column with blanks
left in it. The column is positive, upbeat, and very persuasive. All I
need to do is drop the name of the government program in the slots and
it’s ready to go. It’s quick, easy, painless, and as I said, I’m
cheap. My credit card companies will thank you.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while you can.
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