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57,000 Channels and
Nothin’ On
by Mad Dog
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The most recent prediction is that in a few years we’ll
have access to as many as 5,000 channels. Of course they’ll be
available on the computer, not on your TV. |
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The typical American home
gets 104 television channels. This is according to Nielsen Media
Research, whose job it is to know these things since they spend their
time watching what we watch. Well, not watching the same shows — I
mean, how many Law and Order marathons can you expect them to sit
through? — but watching us as we watch TV. It’s voyeurish, Big
Brotherish, and a testimonial to how many people will do just about
anything for $5. Yes, that’s how much a family gets paid to fill out a
diary and let Nielsen know what shows they watch. Twenty-five bucks a
month if you let them wire your TV and eavesdrop. Scary, huh?
So what do we do with all those
channels? Just collect them, apparently. According to Nielsen we only
watch 15 percent of the stations we have available. The rest are filler
so we feel like we have a lot of options when we flip through all the
channels and wind up watching the Prevue Channel. Again. All night. The
channels are kind of like the plaid polyester sport jacket, Super Turbo
Dehydrator and Clothes Dryer, and monogrammed fondue pot that are
sitting in the attic — even though you don’t use them it feels good
to keep them around because you just never know when you’ll want them
again.
The number of TV channels we get has
been steadily rising over the years. In 2000 the average household got
61 channels. Ten years before that it was just 33. And way back in the
golden age of television people got only three — the networks. Well,
as long as you were lucky and could tune them all in. But this is
nothing. The most recent prediction is that in a few years we’ll have
access to as many as 5,000 channels. Of course they’ll be available on
the computer, not on your TV.
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I could call it a mash-up and put it on YouTube. You know
YouTube, it’s America’s Funniest Home Videos without the chance to
win $10,000 or meet Bob Saget.
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News Corp., the home of FOX, and NBC, home of musty — I mean,
Must See — TV, just announced an online video service that will
feature clips from their TV shows. With ads. That you can watch on the
computer. You know, just like on TV. Joost, another computer-based video
service brought to you by those wonderful folks who created Skype, is
the one predicting they’ll eventually have 5,000 channels, though so
far in their beta version they only have 24, including National
Geographic, MTV Staying Alive, Havoc Action Sports, Lazy TV, World's
Strongest Man, The Diddy Channel, and of course the Green Day channel.
Talk about putting narrow back into narrowcasting.
Just imagine having thousands of
channels with nothing on. Hey, doesn’t that mean it’s time for Bruce
Springsteen to update his song from that measly 57? Or maybe I should do
the update myself, standing in front of a video camera while I lip-synch
the song, play with a light saber, and pretend I’m a 21-year-old
lonely girl. I could call it a mash-up and put it on YouTube. You know
YouTube, it’s America’s Funniest Home Videos without the
chance to win $10,000 or meet Bob Saget.
In case you didn’t get the memo,
computers are the new TV. No more sitting around in a comfy La-Z-Boy
recliner watching a giant screen with remote in hand, wondering how that
Costco-size bag of Cheetos managed to disappear so quickly. This is the
21st century, wouldn’t you rather sit at a desk and watch TV while you
change channels with your mouse, trying not to notice that it’s
covered in orange Cheeto dust that’s getting ground into the mouse pad
with the kids’ photograph on it?
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The
future of home computers is to be glorified TV tuners. Same junk, new
delivery system. It’s the computer as 21st century rabbit ears. |
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Okay, let’s think about this. I can buy a 24” TV for $200 to
put in the living room, den, or bedroom, or I can buy a computer with a
21” monitor for $1200 and watch TV at my desk. Tough choice. Can I get
back to you on that? Oh, but let’s not forget that they’re working
on a way to watch all this on your cell phone too. On that itty bitty
1.5-inch screen. Oh, now I get it.
I have a feeling we’re going to
find out that the home computer’s biggest use won’t be to educate,
expand horizons, simplify lives, or make it easier to find 54-year-old
men claiming to be 17-year-old nymphets named Tiffany4U. No, the future
of home computers is to be glorified TV tuners. Same junk, new delivery
system. It’s the computer as 21st century rabbit ears. Maybe IBM
actually stands for Idiot Box Makeover and Dell should change its name
to Dull.
This could turn out to be a tough
sell. After all, in the U.S. we have more TV sets than people. It’s
true, the typical home has 2.73 TV sets yet only 2.55 people. And just
try to tear them away from it. The average American watches 4.5 hours of
TV a day. That’s 31.5 hours per week, 68 days per year, 13.5 years
over the average lifetime, and enough episodes of My Name is Earl
that everyone should know his name by now and not have to tune in
anymore. But in case you need a refresher, just boot up your computer
and check out the My Name is Earl channel. I think it’s channel 3,274.
As for me, I’m going to go read a book.
©2007 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them before they become their own TV channel.
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