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My
Computer The Snitch
by Mad Dog
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The scariest
thought is that the computer might turn out to be a tattletale and it
wanted to tell the PDA about the Web sites I visit. Not that I have
anything to be embarrassed about. |
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A strange thing happened
last night. I was working at my computer while using my PDA when
suddenly a cartoon bubble appeared by the computer’s system tray. It
read, “Another computer is nearby.” I looked at the PDA and there
was a message on the small screen: “Waiting for Send.” Yes, they had
discovered each other by infrared beam and were trying to communicate.
Without my prompting, without my telling them to, and without my
permission. Bad computer! Bad PDA!
I’m not sure what they would have
said to each other had I not quickly cancelled the message on the PDA
and shut it off. Hey, I saw Bride of Chucky, War Games,
and Terminator, I know what inanimate objects can do when they
have a mind to. Or at least when screenwriters want them to have a mind
to. But I’m not taking any chances. After all, I sleep in the same
room they do. And now I’m starting to wonder if they really sleep when
I turn them off or if they fake it until I’m snoring, then stay up all
night whispering to each other over an infrared beam, plotting new ways
to crash right when I’m in the middle of the most important thing
I’ve worked on in years and haven’t gotten around to saving it.
Putting my paranoia aside — which
is easier written than done — it’s possible that they connected
because they were lonely and wanted to chat. After all, when I talk to
them I’m usually not saying the nicest things. Of course if they
behaved better I wouldn’t have to use that language. Interestingly,
that’s the same thing my mother used to say to me. I hate it when I
find myself spouting the things my parents used to say, especially since
they’re always the things I hated hearing. Trust me, it’s not pretty
turning into your parents.
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If you want something more useful
around the house, you can buy a robot lawn mower, a robot vacuum
cleaner, and in Japan, a robot named Wakamaru that
will keep an eye on your parents. |
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It’s possible the computer and PDA just wanted to commiserate
about how hard I pound the keys when I type and how obnoxious it is that
I tap, tap, tap at the PDA’s screen all the time. Maybe they wanted to
laugh at the stupid things I do or how I can’t remember where on my
hard drive I left a file. Or maybe they were flirting and I squelched
what could have been a world-class romance, right up there with Scarlett
and Rhett, Romeo and Juliet, and Turner and Hootch.
The scariest thought is that the
computer might turn out to be a tattletale and it wanted to tell the PDA
about the Web sites I visit. Not that I have anything to be embarrassed
about. Well, as long as I remember to clear the cache and delete the
history so there’s no proof. If it does turn out that my computer’s
a snitch, I’ll have to be very careful. After all, it has access to a
telephone line, the Internet, and email, so it could report me if it
wanted to.
This isn’t as farfetched as you
might think. In Finland you can report crimes by going to a Web site and
filling out a form. It’s www.click-n-snitch.com. Just kidding.
Actually it’s run by the Interior Ministry and, being a government
agency, they don’t have that much marketing flair or creativity. Last
year 23,000 reports were filed online, most of them for stolen property,
property damage, and electronic equipment talking all night. There’s
no record of whether any computer filed a report on its own, but I’m
not taking any chances with mine, he could do anything if provoked.
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Always clear your Web browser, don’t put a
rating next to your dates’ names in your PDA, and above all, put all
electronic items in another room and lock your bedroom door at night. |
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Yes, I said “he.” I know I shouldn’t anthropomorphize a
plastic case full of electronic circuits, but if it’s alright to do it
with cars, boats, and hurricanes, why not a computer? After all,
they’re only a couple of steps away from robots and we’re only a
couple of steps away from having them tooling around the house. You can
already buy Aibo, Tama, and Poo-chi, which are robotic pets for those
who don’t have the time or inclination to mess with smelly food, early
morning walks, and kitty litter. Of course you do need to remember to
charge their batteries, which only goes to show that they’re not
really so smart or they’d motor over to a wall socket and stick their
tail in it when they needed a recharge.
If you want something more useful
around the house, you can buy a robot lawn mower, a robot vacuum
cleaner, and in Japan, a robot named Wakamaru that
will keep an eye on your parents. That’s right. According to it’s
creators, Wakamaru makes a great companion, housesitter, and caretaker
for the elderly. It has two cameras, a cell phone, and is able to
discuss the day’s news using either a male or female voice. Trust me,
nothing will make your parents happier than being taken care of by a
hermaphrodite robot. Wakamaru sells for about $9,000, which is about the
cost of three days in a nursing home, so it really is a good deal.
From what I can tell, Wakamaru
doesn’t have an infrared port so it may not be able to strike up a
conversation with your computer or PDA. But these critters are tricky,
so I’d be very careful. Always clear your Web browser, don’t put a
rating next to your dates’ names in your PDA, and above all, put all
electronic items in another room and lock your bedroom door at night.
Then at least if they do chatter until dawn you’ll still get a good
night’s sleep.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Let
your computer read them to your PDA.
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