Jumping to conclusions isn't an Olympic event--yet
by Mad Dog

    It’s easy to jump to conclusions. For example, researchers in Pretoria, South Africa found traces of marijuana, cocaine, and a hallucinogenic chemical in some clay pipes that were unearthed at William Shakespeare’s old house. They immediately assumed this meant Robert Downey, Jr. is Shakespeare reincarnated. Also that Shakespeare did drugs.  But neither is necessarily the case.

    Maybe the pipes weren’t his. Maybe they were left there by Francis Bacon when he came over to borrow a spare quill so he could write a play like, oh say, “Hamlet”, then forgot them because he was too stoned. Or maybe Shakespeare used the drugs for therapeutic reasons. They did, after all, find traces of camphor in the pipes so it’s possible he invented Vick’s VapoRub but hadn’t figured out the best way to use it. Or how to patent it. Of course the one conclusion that’s impossible to jump to—or even come to, for that matter—is why researchers in South Africa, of all places, are so concerned about this.

    The true solution is to amputate the carpal tunneled-out hands. This would reduce absenteeism by nine days per year per person, thereby saving the company money, lowering health care costs, increasing productivity, and not only boosting the Gross Domestic Product but make it grosser at the same time. Alan Greenspan could retire. The economy would boom. Sure the glove lobby would have a fit and try to get a law passed to stop the practice since they’d be losing customers—or at least half the sales from those customers—but we can’t let special interests get in the way of improving the global economy.

    Then there’s the Winter 2002 Olympics (motto: “So much money, so few city officials to give it to”). They’ve announced that the games will feature a new demonstration competition: bridge. Not building them, pole vaulting over them, or skiing off them, but playing the game. As in four people sitting around a table after years of strenuous training, agony, and injuries so they can stretch the physical limits of the human body by playing cards. It kind of makes you long for synchronized diving again, doesn’t it?

    You might assume from this that the Summer 2004 Olympics will feature Yahtzee, Uno, and Go Fish. Okay, in this case you’re probably right, proving that sometimes jumping to conclusions isn’t such a wrong thing after all.

    While this might make you assume this column has healing powers, I can’t recommend jumping to that conclusion. At least not if I want to steer clear of the FDA, which could accuse me of making extravagant medical claims if I said this column  “Cures cancer!”, “Shrinks swollen hemorrhoids!”, or is  “Better than amputating your hand if you have carpal tunnel syndrome!”, though I think the last one’s a pretty safe bet. At least I like to think so.

    This isn’t the only recent false conclusion that has Japanese roots. Other researchers there reported that an ingredient in wasabi, the hot green horseradish they serve in sushi restaurants which brings tears to your eyes and helps you forget that you’re eating raw fish, can fight cavities. It turns out that isothiocyanates—a scientific term for “stuff”—stops cavity-causing bacteria from growing in your mouth. Or it might burn them alive, they’re not sure yet. This would lead most people to assume that it’s only a matter of months before we see “Colgate—Now With Wasabi!” on the drugstore shelves. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’ll probably see it by next Wednesday.

    So how can we, as long-term conclusion jumpers break this habit? First, listen carefully and take in all available information. Next, ask questions and investigate thoroughly. And finally, don’t worry about it. If you think jumping to conclusions is such a bad habit then you’re just jumping to another conclusion. It’s actually being a forward thinker. Actually a fast forward thinker. Of course that could be a rationalization, but we’ll save that for another discussion another time.

©2001 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them, then jump to your own conclusion.