Conspiring Against Conspiracies
by Mad Dog

   These are certainly prime times for conspiracies. The CIA plotted the 9/11 World Trade Center attack in order to boost the President’s popularity rating and give him an excuse to avenge “the guy who tried to kill my dad.” Bill Clinton still insists that a vast right-wing conspiracy was behind the attack on his west wing. And according to my friend Peter, the World Bank is behind both of those. And more. Much more.

   The big problem with conspiracy theories is that they assume a huge number of people can work together and keep their mouths shut, neither of which is usually the case. Tell someone a secret — anyone — and see how long it takes before you hear it from someone else. Your best friend can be sworn to secrecy, yet not be able to resist telling every person they run into that some nights you stay at home, put on a wig, and stand in front of the mirror imitating Cher while wearing only your underwear, but somehow you still manage to believe that the thousands of people it took to make it appear that we actually landed on the moon have been able to keep their collective mouths shut for the past 30 years. Hah!

   There are definite commonalities to conspiracies. First and foremost, they’re theories. I can’t remember ever hearing about a conspiracy law other than the ones passed by Congress, and you know they’re a conspiracy since getting Congress to agree on anything other than it being time to recess requires a conspiracy. Or an act of Congress. I’m sure every conspiracy nut — I mean, expert —out there will correct me, but I can’t think of a single instance of a conspiracy theory turning into a conspiracy fact. You know, one we can call verified because it was featured in the New York Times, has its own entry in the Encyclopedia Britannica, or has been dropped from the approved-to-talk-about list on Art Bell’s radio show. Conspiracy theories are fiction based on a true story hoping to one day be moved to the nonfiction shelf.

   The second problem is that the truth behind conspiracies are known by only a few chosen people, which isn’t to be confused with the Chosen People, who everyone knows own all the banks. Or at least that’s the theory. Conspiracies aren’t common knowledge, if they are they’re more likely to be found filed under urban legend. Conspiracies are flexible, able to mutate with every rebuttal, and improvable, hence the theory part once again.

   Their Top-10 list of conspiracy articles includes an analysis of the Zapruder JFK assassination film (yawn), a discussion about whether Kurt Cobain was murdered (double yawn), and an article about supermarket “club” cards (zzzzzzzzzz). I’m not sure where the conspiracy is with the last one unless it’s a conspiracy to help us save money. Mulder help us.

   We really need to come up with some newer, more interesting conspiracies. For example, I want to know who’s behind the conspiracy to make the Scott Peterson trial a world-class snoozefest. It’s got all the makings of an exciting trial — murder, marital infidelity, Lady Clairol — but it’s more boring than watching a parking meter expire. I’d like to find out who’s behind the conspiracy to deny me press credentials for the Democratic or Republican conventions. Sure I was late getting my applications in, but so what? I also want to know who’s conspiring not to create anything interesting to watch on TV. I’m tired of flipping through hundreds of channels and ending up watching the Prevue Guide because it’s more entertaining than anything else on. And most of all, I want to know who’s behind not giving me these answers. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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