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Nothing Says
Lovin’ Like Twinkies in the Jailhouse Oven
by Mad Dog
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Why
anyone who’s not in prison would want to eat any of these things is
beyond me, though I guess it beats microwaving another package of Taste
of the Ukraine Cup-a-Dioxin Soup for dinner. |
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Now that the holiday
season is over and you ate too much, too often, and two too many
helpings, you’re probably thinking about the best way to shed some of
that excess weight. But before you curse all those tasty calories, take
a second to be thankful that you had such good food to eat. Not everyone
did, you know. Take Martha Stewart, who in a holiday note on her
personal web site (www.marthatalks.com)
wrote, “I have had time to think, time to write, time to exercise,
time to not eat the bad food.” I guess this means she isn’t
expecting to be served the Brown Sugar Gravlax, Leek Dip, and Twice
Baked Potatoes with Caviar her Martha Stewart Living web site is
recommending for New Year’s Eve.
The Federal Bureau of Prisons (motto:
“Rated Four Bars by Zagat!”) disagrees with her assessment of the
cuisine, saying she isn’t eating sour grapes but rather is them. A
spokesperson said, “The quality, service, and cleanliness at any of
our prisons is more than appropriate for a correctional setting.” In
other words, if you did the crime, don’t expect any thyme. The
spokesman went on to say that the government spends more than $2 per day
feeding an inmate — don’t ignore the “more than” in that
sentence — and food preparation follows military recipe standards, a
phrase he uttered just in time for it to be nominated as Best Oxymoron
of 2004. Obviously he isn’t a chef. In fact, he probably thinks Lemony
Snicket is a fancy French dessert.
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Both
of these cookbooks are lacking in one department, though — cooking
with Twinkies. That’s why it’s good to hear that Interstate Bakeries
is searching for the 75 best Twinkie recipes to include in a cookbook.
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I suspect Martha’s problem is, in fact, a case of sour grapes
and she’s upset because a group of prisoners at the Washington State
Penitentiary in Walla Walla (motto: “We we were were bad bad”) beat
her to the punch, and it wasn’t a champagne punch, either. They’ve
published a 163-page book called The Convict Cookbook, a
compilation of hard time-tested recipes that can be made in a jail cell
without a stove, refrigerator, or Williams-Sonoma three-in-one lemon
zester/garlic press/tuna strainer. The recipes include Jailhouse Pizza,
which uses uncooked ramen noodles as a crust, and baklava in which flour
tortillas, peanut butter, and bananas take the place of that boring old
phyllo, honey, and nuts. Hey, at least they sound better than Cell Block
Fudge, a concoction I’m scared to even think about. You have to wonder
who’s going to buy this cookbook. After all, why anyone who’s not in
prison would want to eat any of these things is beyond me, though I
guess it beats microwaving another package of Taste of the Ukraine
Cup-a-Dioxin Soup for dinner.
If none of the jailhouse recipes
sound like they’d even be fit for a dog, well, they aren’t, at least
not judging by The Good Food Cookbook for Dogs. This new book
will change the way your dog looks at Alpo — as in turning up his nose
and walking away. Featuring recipes like macaroni and cheese with
sausage, beef and bean stir fry, and dog barf with dust bunnies au
gratin, the book was written by an insane woman who figures there are
plenty of other people besides her who have more money than a life, and
she hopes to sell a copy to each one of them.
I doubt it’s going to do well.
After all, most people who want their dog to eat freshly cooked meals
aren’t going to be doing the cooking. That’s why I’m putting my
money on seeing Dining Doggie take-out sections sprouting up in the
supermarket right next to the pre-made sushi (“So fresh you’ll think
it was made last week!”), nuke-and-serve entrees, and salad bars full
of lead-filled pasta salad priced per pound.
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Batter-dipped
Mars bars are not only real, popular, and a refreshing change from
haggis salad sandwiches, they’re available in more than a fifth of
Scotland’s fish-and-chip shops. |
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Both
of these cookbooks are lacking in one department, though — cooking
with Twinkies. That’s why it’s good to hear that as a part of the
snack cake’s 75th anniversary celebration — and I use the term
“cake” as loosely as possible — parent company Interstate Bakeries
is searching for the 75 best Twinkie recipes to include in a cookbook.
And you wonder why Interbake is in bankruptcy.
They already have recipes on their
web site (www.twinkies.com) for
Twinkie tacos, sushi, and kebobs, so you’re going to have to come up
with something more original than that. And no, I don’t mean fried
Twinkies. They already have a recipe for Scottish Twinkie Fritters in
which you dip the Twinkie in batter, then fry it.
Hang on, can you? I think I just felt
an artery clog.
Actually, a fried Twinkie isn’t as
farfetched as you might think. After all, if deep-fried Mars bars are a
big hit in Scotland why not dump everything in the fryer? According to The
Lancet, a respected British medical journal that should have better
things to publish, batter-dipped Mars bars are not only real, popular,
and a refreshing change from haggis salad sandwiches, they’re
available in more than a fifth of Scotland’s fish-and-chip shops. Kind
of takes the mystery out of why Scotland has the highest rate of chronic
heart disease in Western Europe, doesn’t it?
Martha Stewart should consider all
this well before she writes her Valentine’s Day message. After all,
it’s a safe bet she won’t be served Beef Wellington, red grapefruit
and fennel salad, and dried cranberry shortbread tarts. Hey, she’s in
prison. There’s a reason the word “mess” is in mess hall.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while frying your Twinkie (if you know what we mean).
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