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Don't
Touch That Name
by Mad Dog
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That’s another difference between China and
the United States. Here if they were to name a pear after a celebrity it
would either be Rosie for its shape or J-Lo for the homonym.
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You’d better be careful
if you’re planning on using the name of the first Chinese astronaut,
Yang Liwei. The China National Space Administration (motto: “Better
late than never”) has gone and copyrighted it. This means that if you
want to use his name on a product you’ll need to get their permission
first. The fact that Yang used the name for 38 years doesn’t seem to
matter to the government, they’ll be the ones collecting the fee, not
Yang’s parents, who dreamed up the name in the first place. This is a
shock. All these years I thought General Tso’s family was getting a
royalty check each time I ordered his eponymous chicken dish when in
fact I was probably helping support the Chinese government. I sure hope
John Ashcroft doesn’t read that last sentence.
The government did this because in
China it’s common for companies to use the names or likenesses of
famous personalities as trademarks for products, whether they have
permission to do it or not. It’s a good thing we don’t do that here
because I don’t want to buy a package of chicken breasts with Mike
Tyson’s snarling face on it or a loaf of Arnold Health Nut bread which
shows California’s new governor flexing his muscles, either political
or physical. It’s true they put athlete’s photos on Wheaties boxes,
but that’s about it. What we get instead are food packages featuring
faux personalities like Betty Crocker, Uncle Ben, and Chester Cheetah,
who should consider keeping a low profile if he’s going to Las Vegas
anytime soon since he might be mistaken for a white tiger, and they’re
not very popular at the moment.
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In the year 2000 there were
55 boys born who were named Chevy, seven named DelMonte and seven named
Courvoisier. Meanwhile there were 298 girls named Armani, 164 Nauticas,
25 Infinitis and 21 L’Oreals. Honestly. |
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One of the first people to apply to use Yang Liwei’s name was
the mayor of Suizhong county, where the first taikonaut was born. He
wants to rename a special white pear they grow in that region after his
country’s newest hero. That’s another difference between China and
the United States. Here if they were to name a pear after a celebrity it
would either be Rosie for its shape or J-Lo for the homonym.
Unlike China, where they name
products after people, we do the opposite. According to the Social
Security Administration (motto: “There’s a reason we’re not called
the Financial Security Administration”), in the year 2000 there were
55 boys born who were named Chevy, seven named DelMonte and seven named
Courvoisier. Meanwhile there were 298 girls named Armani, 164 Nauticas,
25 Infinitis and 21 L’Oreals. Honestly. This naming trend was
uncovered by a psychology professor at Bellevue University in Nebraska,
Cleveland Evans, whose brothers are named Oshkosh, Topeka, and Little
Rock. Just kidding. Actually Little Rock is trademarked and being
reserved for The Rock’s first son.
Aside from sounding like you’re
reading an upscale shopping list each time you call the children in for
dinner, this trend could set a very bad precedent. We’re already
walking billboards for companies, whether we’re wearing the Nike
swoosh, the Lacoste alligator, or the Krispy Kreme strawberry filling on
our clothing. Movies are loaded with paid product endorsements, each set
of statistics shown during the World Series is sponsored by a different
company, and celebrities are forever appearing in ads telling us which
dental adhesive to use, which phone service is cheaper if you have
unruly red hair, and which erectile dysfunction pill works for them.
Yes, there is such a thing as too much information.
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For some reason people aren’t naming their children
Rolls-Royce, Harley- Davidson, or Ferrari. Instead they’re opting for
Celica, Chevy, and F-150. |
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But at least they’re being paid to do this. We, on the other
hand, pay for it. Or in the case of children named Timberland—and yes,
there are some of those toddling around—they’ll be paying therapists
for many years to come in order to cope with the psychological and
emotional scarring that comes from being named after a pair of boots. It
could be worse. Think about poor little Birkenstock Goldstein.
It’s a mystery why people aren’t
naming their children after higher quality products. Not one of the most
common children’s names which are trademarks are in the Harris
Interactive Brand Survey top 10 ranking for high quality products.
Unless you count Mercedes, but that was a girl’s name long before it
was a German car. For some reason people aren’t naming their children
Rolls-Royce, Harley-Davidson, or Ferrari. Instead they’re opting for
Celica, Chevy, and F-150. Just kidding about the last one. Everyone
knows that if you’re going to name your child after a truck you should
choose Silverado, especially if it’s a girl.
Of the “Top 10 World-Class Brands
Overall,” not a single one is a popular child’s name. The number
one, Smithsonian Institution, is way too stuffy sounding, though it
could be popular in England, especially with the variant spelling of
Smythsonian. Number three, Crayola, has a nice ring, and even the
logical nickname, Cray, is pretty. Only one, M&M, is being used, but
I don’t think it’s going to spread. It doesn’t take listening to
many of Eminem’s songs to realize that you don’t want to usurp his
name. Not unless you want to be immortalized in a song that talks about
killing you.
It’s doubtful that the name Yang
Liwei will become popular here, though I’m sure it will in China.
And lest you think Yang isn’t profiting from his celebrity at all, the
military commission just promoted him to full colonel. I don’t know if he’ll get a
raise to compensate for the lack of copyright royalties, but he is
getting a 4-day, all-expense paid trip to Hong Kong. Hey, I’d consider
giving up the rights to my name for a trip and promotion too.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Notice how none of them are named after Yang
Liwei.
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