"Are you freakin’ sure it’s worse than before?" you’re asking as you look up from an ad for Safeguard in the new mouth-sized bar. In a word, yes. And we now have documented scientific proof, much like we do that drinking in moderation is good for the heart and there can never be too many TV newsmagazines. Or a more obvious oxymoron.

     The Movie Index, a company that has nothing better to do than sit around and count the swear words in movies—a job, incidentally, which I was born to have—has announced that "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" has more profanity per minute (PPM) than any other movie they know of: 399 naughty words in 80 minutes. That’s almost five cusswords per minute, or one every twelve seconds. You don’t hear that much swearing at the Tourette’s Syndrome Annual Awards Banquet.

     It’s important to watch what you say, especially if you’re in Michigan or around Walter Cronkite. A while back in—yes, Michigan—Timothy Boomer was convicted of cursing in front of children, something every parent this side of Amish country has done at least daily. In Howard Stern’s book, "Private Parts", which I recently read thanks to its being on the $1.98 hardbound rack in a Goodwill store, he talks about the time Walter Cronkite reamed out Stuttering John for using the word "friggin’" in a question he posed to the newsman. Obviously Walter doesn’t live in the real world with the rest of us, much like when then-president George Bush was amazed to discover that in the grocery store they pass your purchases over a little red light which—will wonders never cease?—causes the price to ring up automatically.

     It’s true, people swear a lot. Some of them even swear at the TV networks for taking their favorite cuss words out of movies. While this can often ruin a good movie, remember that you still have the option of going to see it in a theater, renting it in its full glory, or yelling the words out yourself.

     Each of the networks has its own set of standards, which is why one station’s damn is another one’s darn. Possibly the all-time bleepfest champion is TBS, which keeps things so squeaky clean that they edit out any word that can’t be found in a Dr. Seuss book and a few that can. One of the great joys in life is watching Blazing Saddles on TBS because it’s perilously close to being a silent movie. Anyone who hasn’t seen the original wouldn’t even realize it’s a comedy. Picture this: they actually show the campfire farting scene without any sound! Now that’s funny.