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When
Your Looks Have Gone to the Dogs
by Mad Dog
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A
professor at UC San Diego has proven that when people choose a dog as a pet they
look for one that resembles them. There, don’t you feel validated? |
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It’s nice when science
verifies something we instinctively know. This not only makes us feel
smart because we knew all along that exercise is good, smoking is bad,
and E=mc2, but it keeps researchers
employed, and if there’s one thing you don’t want it’s a scientist
standing behind you in the unemployment line asking probing questions
like, “Does being an expert on nanotechnology make me a nanny?” Thus
it was nice to read that a professor at UC San Diego (motto: “Research
rocks, dude!”) has proven that when people choose a dog as a pet they
look for one that resembles them. There, don’t you feel validated?
Now before you run around eyeing
every person who’s walking a dog and saying, “Ah-ha, I see the
resemblance!”, it’s important to understand that this only holds
true for purebred pooches. That’s because when you pick out a purebred
puppy you already know what it’s going to look like when it grows up.
Rare is the boxer puppy that winds up having a long English
sheepdog-like coat or the Pekinese that won’t end up looking like
it ran face first into the wall one too many times. Okay, ten too many
times. Mutts, on the other hand, are a crap shoot. Choose the wrong
one and it could grow up to look like, oh say, John Kerry, though come
to think of it so would a purebred bloodhound. While the purebred would
cost more, either one would be more fun and exciting to watch during a
presidential debate than the real thing.
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Face it, it’s not often you see people who have fish,
hamsters, and birds that look like their pets. Luckily.
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I suspect this isn’t a recent development. Ever since the first
wolves latched onto humans hoping for a dog biscuit, a scratch behind
the ears and, well, another dog biscuit nearly 100,000 years ago
they’ve looked like their owners, though in the early days it was
mostly because both were covered with hair. Over the years we’ve lost
most of our hair — okay, some of us have lost just about all of it —
but haven’t changed our physical appearance but so much, Lady Clairol,
Botox, and tattoos notwithstanding. Yet somehow dogs have come to show
more diversity of size, shape, and physical attributes than any other
mammal in the world. This is pretty amazing since scientists claim that
every dog alive today evolved from just six gray wolves that roamed east
Asia. Very prolific wolves, apparently. Thanks to evolution, or Extreme
Makeover if you don’t believe in the existence of Charles Darwin,
some of the wolves metamorphosed into Great Danes while others went the
Chihuahua route. Obviously they didn’t have a choice in the matter.
Some breeds, such as the Miniature Pinscher, didn’t evolve at all,
instead being artificially bred by humans who make a convincing argument
for legalizing retroactive abortion.
This look-alike phenomenon is
confined to dogs, it doesn’t occur between other pets and their
owners. Face it, it’s not often you see people who have fish,
hamsters, and birds that look like their pets. Luckily. Even cats, the
second most popular pet in this country, and their owners don’t look
alike. Of course some of that’s because all cats look pretty much the
same, with the exception of Siamese which look like Ed Begley, Jr.
staring at a fly on the end of his nose. Okay, and Persians which look
like they ran face first into the wall ten too many times along with
their Pekinese canine counterparts.
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Each of us wants
to think we’re different, that we’re an individual, that we’re
unique. Even if we believe we have a doppelganger running around we
don’t want it to be a Shar-Pei, poodle, or schnauzer. |
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Now before you cat lovers get your litter boxes in an uproar,
stop and think about this. Cats come in four colors, three fur lengths,
and two tail styles, normal and Manx. That allows for less variety than
anything except a Wonder Bread sampler pack. Face it, you just don’t
see many cats running around with an ungodly amount of excess wrinkly
skin hanging off them, a long sausage-like body that drags on the
ground, or a head the size of Utah with a mouth that leaks gallons of
drool per hour. Go ahead, take a moment to think about the people who
own those dogs and what they must look like. Let me know when your
stomach stops churning.
Of course dog owners will deny to the
death that they look like their pet, just as married couples deny that
they grow to look like each other, this in spite of the fact that they
carry interchangeable driver’s licenses. After all, each of us wants
to think we’re different, that we’re an individual, that we’re
unique. Even if we believe we have a doppelganger running around we
don’t want it to be a Shar-Pei, poodle, or schnauzer. George Clooney,
Charlize Theron, or Brad Pitt okay, but not Benji, Lassie, or The Taco
Bell dog. Then again, how do you think the dogs feel?
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them to your dog.
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