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Driving
Miss Dzesika
by Mad Dog
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Additional testing
before being issued a driver’s license isn’t such a bad idea, even
here in the U.S., though of course the tests should be the same for men
and women and not involve a gynecologist. |
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Soon there will be a lot
more women tearing up the highways in Lithuania. That is, of course,
assuming the highways aren’t too torn up to drive on. The Lithuanian
Minister of Health, as part of a new initiative to drag the country
kicking and screaming into the 19th century, recently scrapped a law
that forced women to undergo a gynecological exam in order to get their
driver’s license. It’s true. While this law was unfair, totally
uncalled for, and extremely uncomfortable for the women, it did make
Lithuanian Driver’s License Examiner one of the most sought after jobs
in Eastern Europe. Now, thanks to this change, it will be much easier
for women there to get a license. All they’ll need to do is bring a
note from their father or husband, pass a driving test, and pat their
head and rub their tummy in a circular motion while whistling the
Lithuanian national anthem backwards. Just kidding. Actually their
national anthem already is backwards.
It’s about time they cleared this law from the
books. After all, Lithuanian men don’t have to turn their head and
cough, have their prostate examined, or get their sperm count checked
before they drive, though maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea since
it’s much safer than having the procedures performed while they drive.
The law is a remnant of the country’s previous incarnation as part of
the Soviet Union. At the time they thought women were susceptible to
diseases that could be so painful they would affect their driving
ability. It was okay to have chronic back problems, debilitating
migraines, and a propensity to suck down massive quantities of vodka,
but god help you if you had female problems. And you thought no one in
the Soviet Union had a sense of humor.
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Applicants should
be required to take a memory test to see if they can recall what that
lighted arrow on the left hand side of the dashboard that’s been
blinking for 20 minutes even though they’ve been driving in a straight
line for an hour is there for. |
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The truth is, additional
testing before being issued a driver’s license isn’t such a bad
idea, even here in the U.S., though of course the tests should be the
same for men and women and not involve a gynecologist. As it is now, all
you need to do is pass a written exam, read an eye chart, and take a
quick drive around the block to prove you can make it to the 7-11 and
back without mowing down any pedestrians, ramming a police car, or
spilling any of your 3-quart Big Gulp in the limited edition Bob
Patterson cup, which is actually more limited than the TV show was.
If that’s possible.
That’s a good start, but it doesn’t go far
enough. If we really want to make the roads safer we need to add a few
more tests. For one, applicants should be required to take a memory test
to see if they can recall what that lighted arrow on the left hand side
of the dashboard that’s been blinking for 20 minutes even though
they’ve been driving in a straight line for an hour is there for. They
should have to successfully complete a multi-tasking test to see if
they’re able to talk on a cell phone, eat a taco, comb their hair in
the rear view mirror, and drive at the same time. Any two out of four
would be good enough to pass. And finally, all drivers age 65 and older
should have to be tested every year to see if they have the strength to
step on the gas pedal hard enough so the car can reach a speed equaling
at least 50 percent of the posted limit. And do it while driving in the
far right hand lane. Assuming, of course, they can see over the steering
wheel.
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Remember, driving
is a privilege and not a right. And that arrow on the road sign ahead
means you can make a left and not a right. Therefore, driving is a
privilege and a left turn. |
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Actually, we really have
no right to make fun of Lithuanian driving laws. After all, we have
plenty of strange ones ourselves. In Alabama it’s illegal to drive a
car while blindfolded. In California women can’t drive while wearing a
housecoat. (It’s also illegal in California for any vehicle without a
driver to go faster than 60 miles per hour, but if there’s no driver
it’s questionable whether or not that can be considered a driving
law.) And in Detroit they’ve really put their foot down, and it’s
definitely on the brake pedal. There it’s illegal to have sex in an
automobile unless it’s parked on your own property. Except, of course,
if you’re role playing Lithuanian Driving Instructor and Student and
you’re being given an official prostate exam and sperm count test.
Adding these new tests would help save lives at
the same time they would keep our tempers and blood pressure down. This
is what’s known as a win-win situation, to quote a phrase which should
never be quoted. Remember that driving is a privilege and not a right.
And that arrow on the road sign ahead means you can make a left and not
a right. Therefore, driving is a privilege and a left turn, something
even Einstein couldn’t have predicted. Come to think of it, he also
didn’t predict that Lithuania would come to its senses and realize
that women have as much right to drive as men. Where did he get his math
license, K-Mart?
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them, but not while you're driving.
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