Thou Shalt Not Cut Me Off, Dammit!
by Mad Dog

   The 36-page document, which is actually called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road," a title that sounds more like a guide to paving, filling potholes, and painting white stripes in rural areas, covers the moral aspects of driving a car. And the immoral ones, too. It discusses road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping within the speed limit, avoiding rude gestures while driving, and my fave, the Fifth Commandment, which reads: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin." In other words, “Both hands on the wheel, buddy.”

   Not surprisingly, praying while driving is okay. In fact, it's encouraged. And often necessary. Hopefully though, you’ll do it with your eyes open and your hands firmly at the ten and two o’clock position so as not to make that “In case of Rapture, this car will swerve all over the road but I won’t care because I’ll be in heaven already” bumper sticker come true. There's no mention of driving while using cell phones, eating Big Macs, or applying mascara, or whether it's okay to use the carpool lane when you're by yourself because "the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are always with me." But don’t worry, if the state trooper doesn’t buy that excuse you can always ask President Bush to commute your fine. He’s easy.

   The survey found that the three things that infuriate people the most is motorists who drive too fast, tailgate, and cut over without signaling. At least when other people do it. The three road ragiest reactions to bad driving were honking the horn, cursing at the other driver while thinking they’d somehow hear it from 40 feet away through two cars with the windows rolled up, the air conditioning running at full blast, and the stereo pumping at ear bleeding levels, and waving a fist. And no, they’re not waving it to show solidarity with their oppressed brothers. Only 1 percent said they’ve slammed their car into another one to let it be known how they felt. Of course when you figure that there are 196 million drivers in the United States, that means nearly 2 million people have rammed another car because of discourteous driving. Maybe it’s time gas stations start passing out free Xanax with every fill up. Hey, at least then we’d be getting something for the inflated prices we’re paying. Not to mention we wouldn’t worry about how fast the dials on the pump were spinning. At least not until the end of the month when the credit card bill showed up and the Xanax had long ago worn off.

   It’s easy for the Vatican to expect us to follow the Ten Commandments of Driving. After all, Vatican City is the world's smallest sovereign state, with only about 1,000 cars, a maximum speed limit of 30 kph — about 19 mph — and not a single accident inside the city’s walls in more than 18 months. Let them try the Monday morning rush hour commute or get stuck behind an RV that’s towing a car up a winding mountain road for two hours at 6 mph and see how long their fist stays inside the Popemobile. Pax vobiscum indeed. It will be more like “Move over, Buddy or you’re going to hell.” Would you pass the Xanax, please?

©2007 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them, but not while driving.