Election Reform, American Idol Style
by Mad Dog

   Well, there is.

   For starters, we could take a tip from the British. After all, if it wasn’t for their king and his taxation we wouldn’t be having an election in the first place. We could have a short campaign schedule, place a limit on how much money the candidates can spend, and make schoolboys wear shorts, white shirts, and silly caps to school. Sure the last one won’t help the election process, but it would make for much more fun childhood photos of the candidates, a big improvement over having to see them dressed for school in Indonesia or posing with cuneiform second grade primers in their hand.

   While a shorter schedule would help make the election more tolerable, is it enough to get people out to vote? After all, in the last election only 56.7% of eligible voters bothered to show up at the polls. That’s pitiful. Fox can run some promos and get 31.4 million viewers to cast 65 million votes for the finale of American Idol, yet the 2004 presidential candidates spent $699 million and only managed to eke out 122 million votes. I’ll save you the trouble of pulling out your calculator—it means they spent $5.73 per vote. As my next door neighbor in Virginia used to say, it ain’t right.

   First, we allow call-in voting. Hey, we’re Americans, we’re used to sitting in our Barcalounger and ordering a pizza, CDs, and an Air Turbo Microwave Pasta Cooker by getting someone to hand us the phone, so why can’t we vote that way? Then we hold the election during prime time. Since we’ll be able to vote by phone, the polls won’t have to be open for long, so why not hold the election after dinner when we’re relaxed, focused, and can comfortably fall asleep in the middle of it. Besides, wouldn’t it be more exciting to watch a tote board like they use on telethons rather than some silly map full of red and blue that no one can keep straight anyway?

   Next, we let people vote more than once. Sure we like to think that a democracy is about one person, one vote, but it’s not. There’s that silly Electoral College thing in between. If you figure that only 76% of those who are of voting age are registered, and of that group only 56.7% bothered to vote, that means less than half the people who can vote did. Meanwhile each American Idol viewer voted an average of twice. Have you spotted the trend yet? If all those potential voters aren’t going to use their ballot, why not let those who are actually concerned about what happens to this country use them? Don’t forget, there are still children in China who go to bed voteless.

   Each year since 1983 the people of Eugene elect a Slug Queen. I was lucky enough to witness the competition and coronation about 10 years ago and, as you can tell, I’m still impressed. Five people vied for the title of Slug Queen, and two of them were men. Contestants were Slugareina, who did a slimy variation of the Macarena; Birtha, the token pregnant contestant; Princess Paulina, a bearded guy in a wheelchair; Visca and Gastropia Nudibranchia, who were Siamese slugs attached at the dress; and Slugmistress Bagonda, a 6’4” guy in drag who won the crown wearing a dress made from duct tape.

   They were judged in three categories — costume, question, and talent. And it was over in 90 minutes, as opposed to our current system which lasts about 90 months. All we’d need to do is send the presidential candidates to Eugene on Election Day so they can dress up in silly costumes, put on three-minute talent skits, and answer one off-the-wall question posed to them by an old Slug Queen. Then we can all vote—you know, by phone from our chair, or even better, raise our hands and scream like they do in Eugene—and vote for the slimy candidate of our choice. Personally, I can’t wait to see how John McCain looks in a duct tape dress.

©2008 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while trying to figure out how to vote by text message.