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The
Endangered Endangered List
by Mad Dog
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Don’t be
surprised if they end up changing their state motto from “Freedom and
unity” to “Hey, remember us? We used to be between New Hampshire and
New York.” |
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Thanks to the encroachment
of humanity, more and more things are becoming endangered every day.
While it’s one thing to find out that the Northern Hairy-nosed Wombat
and Boreal Felt Lichen are edging towards extinction, it’s another
when a New England state which is known for its maple syrup, Chubby
Hubby ice cream, and Bob Newhart’s Stratford Inn is declared
endangered. Let the Vermont-a-thon fundraiser begin!
That’s right. According to the
National Trust for Historic Preservation (motto: “Change underwear,
not buildings”) the entire state of Vermont is endangered. Not just
one city block. Nor a quaint, rustic village without a traffic light.
The whole state. While New York only has one measly building on the Most
Endangered Historic Places list, and Pennsylvania an old abandoned steel
mill, every inch of Vermont, from maple tree to shining maple tree, is
endangered. Don’t be surprised if they end up changing their state
motto from “Freedom and unity” to “Hey, remember us? We used to be
between New Hampshire and New York.”
The reason, according to the National
Trust, is Wal-Mart. They say the seven new Wal-Mart superstores the
company has planned for the state will completely ruin Vermont as we
know it, destroying downtowns, driving locally-owned stores out of
business, and completely annihilating the growth of the snow golfing
industry, an actual sport Rudyard Kipling, who lived in Vermont in the
1890's, invented. Yes, even back then people had to work hard to find
something fun to do in Vermont.
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That’s right,
they listed a giant dog-headed snake as endangered in spite of the fact
that there’s no proof it actually exists the morning after polishing
off a whole bottle of Absolut. |
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If their prediction is right, the next thing you know there will
be no more National Surveyor’s Hall of Fame, no Vermont Maid syrup,
and no Howard Dean. Okay, so for all intents and purposes there was no
more Howard Dean after the Wisconsin primary, you get the idea. In a
final death blow, Larry, his brother Daryl, and his other brother Daryl
will abandon the state and head “Down East” to Maine, which isn’t
easy to do from Vermont if you have any sense of direction at all. See
how bad it could get?
It’s not surprising that Vermont
managed to make an endangered list since there are an awful lot of the
lists floating around. Every country puts out an endangered species
list. So does every state. The National Park Service released their
endangered list which includes Yellowstone National Park, the
Underground Railroad, and park visitors who show up without a video
camera. Just kidding. Actually the last one’s not really endangered,
it’s extinct. And speaking of extinct, there’s even a list with a
mythical monster on it. In Sweden. Seriously.
Not long ago a government agency in
Stockholm realized that the country has the honor of being the only one
in the world with a legendary creature on its endangered species list.
It turns out that back in 1986 an environment court in the province of
Jaemtland figured out how to pronounce the region’s name. Just
kidding. Actually they still can’t pronounce it. What they did do,
however, was put a Loch Ness-like giant serpent on the endangered
species list, a creature that has been rumored to exist since 1635,
which not so coincidentally is about the time vodka was first distilled
in Sweden. Now this isn’t any old giant serpent mind you, but one with
a dog's head and fins on its neck. That’s right, they listed a giant
dog-headed snake as endangered in spite of the fact that there’s no
proof it actually exists the morning after polishing off a whole bottle
of Absolut.
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Why not add “honest politician who votes his or her
conscience” to the endangered list? Or intelligent network TV show?
How about “a movie that will never have a sequel” or customer
service? |
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The reason the court did this was to stop a local businessman who
had cooked up a scheme to search Lake Storsjoen for the monster’s
eggs. Once he found them he planned on hatching them and creating a
tourist attraction much like Jurassic Park only without the big name
director, the nearly $2 billion in box office receipts, and the
McDonald’s merchandising tie-in. And they say lutefisk intoxication
isn’t a problem in Sweden anymore.
It seems to me that if a mythical
creature and a syrupy state can make it on an endangered list, then
they’re definitely fair game. The lists, not the creature and state.
Why not add “honest politician who votes his or her conscience” to
the list? Or intelligent network TV show? How about adding “a movie
that will never have a sequel” or customer service? Lord knows you
don’t see either of them anymore. While we’re at it, lets put
“people who don’t talk loudly about personal bodily functions on
their cell phone in public” on the list. And if there’s room, how
about “cashier who can count back change without help from the
register”, “tech support person who isn’t reading from a
script”, and “attraction or museum that doesn’t dump you out in
the gift shop”? And that’s just the beginning. But before I can list
them all I need a break. Preferably with a big bowl of Ben &
Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch ice cream. After all, we might as well
do what we can to support an endangered state.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them before they become extinct.
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