How to survive an energy crisis
by Mad Dog

    If you remember the energy crisis of the 1970’s you know what might be in store: waiting in long lines to get gas, only being allowed that privilege on alternate days, and sitting around wondering whether wearing silly buttons that say “Whip Inflation Now” could possibly do anything other than make you feel like a fool. Sure it sounds exciting, but it wasn’t. It was a bore. Just like this one.

    Of course not many people do remember it. Anyone under 25 is too young. Anyone who was in their 20’s back then was too stoned. And those who were older have Alzheimer’s now and don’t remember anything, least of all what they just read, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to repeat myself just for their benefit.

    For those of you who don’t have any idea how to weather this power crunch, or who think an energy crisis is when you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, here are some handy tips you might find helpful:

- Take shorter showers. Remember, the water doesn’t get hot from friction as it moves through the pipes. Consider showering with a friend. Or to save even more money, shower with several of them. (NOTE: This may be illegal in some localities. Please do not shower with more than three people without consulting an attorney. Or at least videotaping it so you can make money on the Internet.)

- Set the thermostat at 80 degrees. Unless, of course, you’re in Alaska and that would make the furnace kick in. The rule of thumb is that for every degree you set the thermostat above 72 you’ll save six cents a year. And sweat through three extra t-shirts a day. That means you’ll have more laundry to do, which uses extra energy, so come to think of it, leave the thermostat where it is.

- Turn off the TV. Children watch over 1,000 hours of TV a year so it won’t hurt them to spend some quality time with the family. Remind them that if they don’t, we might run out of energy completely and then they’ll have to play charades in the dark. With the Boogieman. If that doesn’t work, make them watch “Street Smarts” and tell them that the morons who can’t answer those simple questions watched a lot of TV when they were growing up. That would scare anyone.

- Make sure you keep emergency supplies on hand: candles, matches, flashlights, batteries, and glow-in-the-dark condoms so you can find them easily, ensuring that your next child won’t have the same April birthday as every other kid in their kindergarten class.

- Take advantage of a blackout. Look at it as a chance to meditate, reflect, get closer to your loved ones, and bandage your shins after you bump into every piece of furniture you own while searching for that damned flashlight.

- Quit smoking, stop biting your nails, go on a diet, and quit drumming your fingers on the table. Doing these won’t save energy, but you’ll be so focused on how grumpy you are that the idea of gas actually costing more than bottled water will be the least of your worries.

- Stay in a Motel 6. If they’re going to leave the lights on for you, you might as well be there, otherwise the lights will be blaring at home and at the motel and that’s a waste. Not to mention that they charge a flat rate so you can use all the electricity you want, take ridiculously long hot showers by yourself, and watch Cinemax Sex-a-Rama until dawn and not see your utility bills increase one cent.

    If we all follow these simple rules there will not only be enough power to go around, but we should have some to spare. Then we can package it up and send it in nice little C.A.R.E. packages to Third World countries so they’ll quit laughing at us since their power is cheaper and more plentiful than ours. Now if there was only an easy way to get them to stop laughing at us about the last presidential election.

 ©2001 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while waiting for the power to come back on.