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I
Don't Love Paris in the Fall
by Mad Dog
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Paris does her
best Jessica Simpson imitation by wondering whether Wal-Mart is “where
they sell wall stuff.” Honestly. Please, don’t anyone hand her a can
of tuna. |
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It’s a sad day when I
come back from a long weekend to find 859 emails waiting for me. Ten
were from friends and family, 15 were newsletters I care about, and most
of the others wanted to sell me something. Unlike during the good old
days of the Internet—which is defined as the years between the time
you first went online and the day your mother figured out how to forward
jokes—none of them tried to sell me a cable descrambler, pills to make
my penis larger, cream to make my breasts bigger, or a share in the $20
million some stupid oil company forgot it left in a Nigerian bank
account. We’re in a new age—almost every one of them wanted me to
buy a video of Paris Hilton having sex. Don’t worry, I didn’t do it.
I’m much more interested in saving my money so one day I can have sex in
the Paris Hilton.
I’m not sure what the fascination
is with a young, privileged brat who’s named after a family-owned
hotel near the Eiffel Tower. After all, it’s not as if every
newspaper, magazine, and TV channel is wasting gobs of ink and airtime
telling us about the comings and goings of Paris’ friend, Waco
Travelodge. While it’s true Paris has done some photo modeling for
men’s magazines, worn a bikini in the movie Wonderland, and
stretched her acting abilities by playing a dancer in a rave scene in The
Cat in The Hat, the reality is she’s famous for being famous. And
of course for having dated Leonardo DiCaprio, Oscar De La Hoya, and
Shannon Dougherty’s ex. You know, the one with the video camera.
She’s even managed to parlay her Warholian fame into a spot on the
upcoming Fox TV series, The Simple Life, in which she and Lionel
Richie's daughter live on a farm for a few weeks and Paris does her best
Jessica Simpson imitation by wondering whether Wal-Mart is “where they
sell wall stuff.” Honestly. Please, don’t anyone hand her a can of
tuna.
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People who are
famous want to stay that way, while those of us who aren’t want to be.
So what are the odds that most of us will ever see the 15 minutes of
fame Andy Warhol told us we’d get? |
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She’s certainly not the first person to be famous for being
famous. Kato Kaelin, Jessica Hahn, and Angelyne immediately come to
mind. While Kato parlayed his housesitting into a TV career that
included playing himself on Celebrity Bootcamp, It’s Like,
You Know, and the runaway-from-it hit Celebrity Cram, and
Jessica Hahn went from sleeping with preachers to Married With
Children, Angelyne is actually trying to make something of her fame.
Not content to drive her pink Corvette and give private tours of
Tinseltown, last year she ran for mayor of Hollywood—a position,
incidentally, that exists in Florida but not in California—as well as
governor in the recall election, where she not only lost to Arnold, but
to porn star Mary Carey, Gallagher, Gary Coleman, and 25 other
candidates. I hope Paris Hilton is paying attention.
The problem with being famous is that
it’s addictive. People who are famous want to stay that way, while
those of us who aren’t want to be. So what are the odds that most of
us will ever see the 15 minutes of fame Andy Warhol told us we’d get?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau (motto: “We count, you
don’t.”), there are 6.3 billion people in the world. Assuming that,
thanks to E! Online, Extra, and Celebrity Justice, a few thousand people
can be famous at the same time, I figure it could take as long as 90
years before you or I get our turn. I don’t know about you, but I
can’t see waiting that long for people to become interested in the sex
video I’m thinking about shooting. At least I can console myself with
the thought that I’ll look better in it than I would were I to wait
until my fame slot comes up to shoot it. I hope.
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One thing that’s important to remember when you do get
your window of fame is to plan for the future. Sign some photographs of
yourself and immediately sell them on eBay. |
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If
you just can’t wait to be famous, you might want to go to www.beingfamous.com.
This is a web site which will post your photo, allowing you to be famous
for 24 straight, uninterrupted hours. The only problem is, that’s too
long. If each person who does this takes 15-minute slots away from 95
other people, that could push my turn back even farther. That’s why
I’m glad I found www.guesswhosfamous.com.
This site lets you create a fake news story about yourself that looks
like it’s been posted on the CNN, Fox news, USA Today, or ABC news web
site. It’s not real, but neither is most of Anna Nicole Smith, and
that hasn’t stopped her from being famous for much longer than she
deserves.
One thing that’s important to
remember when you do get your window of fame is to plan for the future.
No, you shouldn’t run out and have political buttons made up. What you
should do is sign some photographs of yourself and immediately sell them
on eBay. Right now signed photos of Paris Hilton are going for between
$19 and $50, while ones of Angelyne are $35. The important thing is to
sell them while you’re hot and people remember you. After all, the
only thing recently sold with Charles Nelson Reilly’s autograph was an
old contract, and it went for a whopping $9.99. And there’s nothing
with either Kato’s or Jessica’s signature. Fame is fleeting Paris,
cash in while you can.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while there's a break from the All Paris All The Time
coverage.
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