I've seen the future of food, and boy is it fancy
by Mad Dog

   It’s hard to figure out just what fancy food is, since the term has different meaning to different people. Most of us would agree that caviar, for example, is a fancy food, though some would say it’s fancy cat food. Being imported helps, though only in the country it’s imported into. For example, in the U.S. we think Foster’s is fancy beer, yet the Aussie’s won’t touch the oversized cans with a ten-foot crocodile. In England they consider escargot to be fancy while the French think they’re your average everyday snail. And yes, in some countries they even think the secret sauce on a Big Mac is fancy while…okay, there are limits to what anyone can consider fancy.

   It’s hard to tell what the people who put on the Fancy Food Show think fancy food is. I suspect it’s anything put out by someone who pays the booth rental. Certainly the Tibetan cheese, fennel pollen, and Belgian chocolate truffles were fancy. On the other hand, the potato chip cookies, Soy Vay “Asian Jewish soul food,” and pasta chips weren’t.

   Apparently superlatives help make something fancy. That’s why so many items at the show were Faster! More Intense! Less Real! Brent and Sam claimed to have the perfect cookie. Every third booth swore they had the hottest hot sauce. And there was a big battle over who had the most virgin olive oil (“Ours has never even had oral sex!”). The concept must be contagious—one booth was selling extra virgin honey, which I assume means the bees had never even been kissed.

   Speed is also important, since there’s nothing more satisfying than whipping up something fancy in less time than it takes K-Mart to sell out their inventory of unused blue light bulbs. There was cassoulet you can make in three minutes and crème brulée that’s ready in ten (“Blowtorch sold separately!”). There was two-minute microwave fudge, ten-minute tiramisu (“Just add taste and texture!”), and even cans of instant cappuccino cream to top off the 3,987 brands of instant gourmet coffee being sold. Hell, two items were so quick to prepare that no sooner would you open the package than it turns out you already made it. Einstein would be proud.

   Surprisingly, I didn’t see any new prune products, though I have to admit it would have been easy to miss them among all that fancy popcorn. Prunes aren’t fancy, you say? Well, maybe in the past they weren’t, but their fancy quotient skyrocketed last year when the Food and Drug Administration allowed them to be called Well-Aged Fruit With Character Lines. Just kidding. Actually that’s Richard Simmons.

   It is true that, thanks to the FDA, growers can call prunes dried plums without worrying about being hauled in and locked up. Not only have they gotten a name change, but it’s turning out they’re a miracle food, and not just in the way your grandparents thought. First, school cafeterias started adding prune puree to their ground beef and turkey because it’s cheaper, less detectable, and more fun than Ex-Lax. Kidding again. Actually it makes the meat moister. Then researchers discovered that this same puree can kill more than 90 percent of any E. coli bacteria that’s lurking in the meat. The next thing you know they’ll figure out that prunes—I mean, dried plums—can keep windows sparkling, help cars get 200 miles per gallon, and erase sitcom laugh tracks.

   One thing the Fancy Food Show did make me realize is that I’m a simple guy at heart. Regular old popcorn, full carb pasta, and high-test straight espresso work just fine for me. Though to be honest, it wouldn’t hurt to follow them up with a few of those Swiss cannabis pastilles just for, uh, good luck.

©2002 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while munching on some fancy lo-fat decaf sardine chips.