Thank heaven for little girls

		Thank heaven for little girls by Mad Dog
In Afghanistan the Taliban won’t let girls get an education, leave the house with more than three square inches of skin showing, or participate in blowing up ancient, irreplaceable statues of Buddha. And you thought your parents were no fun.		It’s not easy being a girl. Of course this is pure conjecture on my part since I’m not a girl, never was a girl, and never will be a girl. And yes, I’m certain of that. But I figure that since it wasn’t easy being a boy, it couldn’t be any easier being a girl. True, I didn’t have to fight off boys who had as many hands as hormones, don’t have to worry about whether I can “learn to identify [my] natural highs” so I can get the new Girl Scout “High On Life” merit badge, and will never have to lie to my parents so I can have the new Eminem doll that’s due out in July by telling them it comes with a bar of soap so you can wash its mouth out. But as boys we had our fair share of problems. If you don’t believe me ask my mother. She had three boys so she has a long list of them. Trust me, I’ve heard it many times. Actually, in the United States girls have it easy. In Afghanistan the Taliban won’t let girls get an education, leave the house with more than three square inches of skin showing, or participate in blowing up ancient, irreplaceable statues of Buddha. And you thought your parents were no fun. In India, pregnant women are using ultrasound to find out if they’re carrying a boy or girl, and if it’s a girl many of them have it aborted. As in many countries, they think it’s more advantageous to bring boys into the family. That’s because in India boys can inherit ancestral property, carry on the family farm or business, and try out for the XFL. Come on, haven’t they heard of cheerleaders over there?
If the zygote sees a purely vegetarian menu, it selects “Female” as the option on the Diverse Nature Assignment (DNA) form since, face it, no self-respecting male wants to subsist on tofu and wheat grass for nine months.		In England they have a whole other outlook— they want girls. Since 106 boys are born there for every 100 girls, scientists are trying to figure out how to tip the balance. They’re doing this so they can change the name from the British Isles to Temptation Island, adopt “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” as their national anthem instead of the sexually ambiguous “God Save The Queen”, and use “Girls! Girls! Girls!” as their new tourism slogan. I knew there was something I liked about that country besides “The Full Monty” and their muffins. According to a study performed at Nottingham University (motto: “If it’s Nottingham, then what is it?”), becoming a vegetarian will help you have a girl. This is quite different than what hip young college guys have known for years, which is that becoming a vegetarian will help you get a girl. Providing, that is, you don’t mind body hair, intense discussions about whether cell phones increase global warming, and having to keep your mouth shut about your theory that eating bean sprouts is the equivalent of plant abortion. Trust me, saying, “Oh, those poor beans that never had a chance to live to maturity!” isn’t the way to a vegetarian girl’s heart. The scientists at Nottingham U found that women who don’t eat meat or fish give birth to more girls than do pregnant carnivores. One hundred girls for every 81 boys, as a matter of fact. The researchers suspect this is because as soon as the sperm fertilizes the egg, the resulting zygote looks at the menu to order the next day’s breakfast, much like you do in a hospital, which of course a womb is if you’re a zygote. (Zygotes, it should be noted, have no sex at this point, and if its father has any say in the matter it won’t for at least 25 years.) If the zygote sees a purely vegetarian menu, it selects “Female” as the option on the Diverse Nature Assignment (DNA) form since, face it, no self-respecting male wants to subsist on tofu and wheat grass for nine months. Unless, of course he’s young, hip, in college, and thinks it will get him a girl.
This will lead to some major changes in the English way of life. Not because they’ll be soy milk swilling, tempeh sucking vegetarians, but because in a few years the country will be dominated by women.		Thus, nine months from now we can expect a boom in the number of girls being born in England. It won’t be because they heard about this study and decided they don’t want to have ill-tempered, foul-mouthed, cigarette-smoking teenage boys on their hands like their parents—and their parents before them—did, but rather that they don’t have a choice. After all, they’re quickly becoming a nation of forced vegetarians since no one wants to eat meat thanks to mad cow disease and foot-and-mouth disease. It’s true. The threat of illness has done what years of overboiled beef, greasy sausage rolls, and Innards-In-A-Crust couldn’t. This will lead to some major changes in the English way of life. Not because they’ll be soy milk swilling, tempeh sucking vegetarians, but because in a few years the country will be dominated by women. Dart boards will come in soft pastel colors. Calling each other “mate” will be considered a come-on and prosecutable sexual harassment. The House of Lords will become the House of Ladies. And Guinness stout will be renamed Guinness Plus Size since no one wants to drink something that makes them sound fat. But when the day comes that tofu and chips becomes the national meal you’ll know that things went just a little too far. God save what’s left of the empire. ©2001 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while drinking new Guinness Plus Size.