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Gorilla
My Dreams
by Mad Dog
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How embarrassing
for poor Casey. There are two female gorillas in the zoo who are ready,
willing, and waiting, and face it, nothing says rank amateur like being
caught watching a sex instruction video. |
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I don’t know why I’m
bothering to write this, the chances are slim anyone will ever read it.
You see, I send my columns out by email and most newspapers’ email
systems are going to reject it. I also post it on my Web site, but
anyone who spends the better part of the day at work pretending to be
busy while actually cruising the Net — you know who you are! —
won’t be able to see it because it will be blocked by Internet
filtering programs with names like Net Nanny, CyberSitter, and What, You
Want to Have Fun? that employers use because it’s against company
policy for employees to enjoy themselves. So what’s the problem?
Simple. It’s going to be impossible to write this without using the
word porn. Hey, it’s not my fault if gorilla porn is all the rage in
New Orleans.
Gorilla porn isn’t what you think
it is, especially if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking,
and if that’s the case you need to wash your brain out with soap right
this instant and never even consider setting foot in Tijuana again. No,
the gorilla porn that’s being shown in New Orleans is between
consenting primates and is intended for an audience that likes to monkey
around. Or would if he could figure out what it is he’s supposed to
do. The he in question is Casey, a 21-year-old Western lowland gorilla
who lives in New Orleans’ Audubon Zoo. He’s being shown a video of
gorillas having carnal fun in the hopes that he’ll be inspired to do
what supposedly comes naturally. Apparently some gorillas think swinging
should only be done from branch to branch.
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It’s not
going to work. I had the privilege of seeing monkey sex once and it
isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. |
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How embarrassing for poor Casey. There are two female gorillas in
the zoo who are ready, willing, and waiting, and face it, nothing says
rank amateur like being caught watching a sex instruction video. At
least when my parents gave me a copy of The Stork is a Big Fat Stupid
White Liar I was smart enough not to read it at school in front of
Debbie Pollard, who may have been ready, willing, and waiting for me as
well, but even if she had been I wasn’t bright enough to pick up on
it. How could I be, I didn’t even understand the reproductively boring
book. After I finished it I went up to my mother and said, “That was
pretty interesting Mom, but how do you do it?” Okay, I didn’t
but I should have. It
would have saved me years of embarrassing fumbling and snickering
innuendos aimed my way. Not to mention thousands of dollars in
therapist’s fees.
Casey’s being shown two film clips,
one taken at the Denver Zoo and the other featuring Ron Jeremy. Just
kidding. Actually Ron Jeremy isn’t a gorilla, he just looks like one
if he doesn’t shave his body. The second video is actually from the
Atlanta Zoo and, like the first, features scenes of hot nasty monkey
love. It’s not going to work. I had the privilege of seeing monkey sex
once and it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was in a monkey
forest in Bali when, right on a temple altar in front of me, two monkeys
started going at it. And yes, that’s the technical term zoologists use
for it. Adolescent ones anyway. As I watched, the male mounted the
female, bared his teeth, and got jiggy for about 20 seconds, which
coincidentally was the exact amount of time it took me to pull out my
camera so I could take a photo. Before I could capture the Kodak Moment
for posterity, the male stopped, got off, and sat still while the female
groomed him. After about a minute of pampering he jumped up, jumped on,
and started the routine all over again. It gives new meaning to the
concept of full service salon.
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Casey still has 30 good years to figure out what to do.
Heck, it took me almost that long. Or will, depending on who you ask. |
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The zookeepers are showing Casey the films at night when he’s
in his inside cage. What a dumb idea. Even if the racy film clips were
to inspire him, what are the odds he’d be able to wait until morning
when the girls are up and about? Not that it matters, since so far the
primate porn isn’t piquing his curiosity. The problem, it turns out,
is that Casey was born in captivity so this is all new to him. Without
my mother around to give him a copy of Where Do Baby Gorillas Come
From?, Casey hasn’t a clue what to do when the females act
interested. I feel for him. I remember the feeling well. Then again, I
turned out...well, maybe that’s a bad example.
There’s really no need to rush
Casey. After all, male gorillas can produce offspring well into their
50s which, while not as impressive as Les Colley who fathered a child
when he was nearly 94 years old, still gives Casey 30 good years to
figure out what to do. Heck, it took me almost that long. Or will,
depending on who you ask. Hey, it’s not easy making someone go bananas
over you. Right, Casey?
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting for Ron Jeremy to shave.
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