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Put Down That Cap
And Gown And Back Away Slowly
by Mad Dog
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The average American will go through 10 jobs and five
careers during his or her lifetime, so you want to find something —
and trust me, it won’t be your major — that you’ll enjoy doing 40
hours a week for four years before you chuck it all and move to
Bali. |
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Finally, the big day is
here. No, it’s not the day they’re announcing the winner of the Name
Britney’s New Baby Without Using the Word Trailer contest, it’s
graduation day. You know, the culmination of 16 years of school —
actual mileage may vary — and the reason Mom and Dad have been eating
ramen noodles every night for dinner and wearing the same clothes every
day. Okay, so Dad would wear the same clothes whether he was paying more
each year for your schooling than his car cost or not, that’s not the
point. Didn’t they teach you anything in Argumentative Hyperbole 202?
As you sit there in your cap and gown
wondering why someone doesn’t get Vera Wang or Giorgio Armani to
design something less embarrassing to wear on graduation day, take a few
moments to think about the future and consider where you’re going.
After all, it’s your day, the family will take you anywhere for
dinner, so give it some careful thought. Expensive is good. After all,
as of tomorrow you’ll be out in the real world and need all the prime
rib filled doggy bags you can get your hands on. But before you take
those final steps down the aisle and onto the muddy road called reality,
there are a few things you should know that they probably didn’t tell
you.
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Find a good role model, someone you can look up to, admire,
emulate, and feel good about asking what emulate means just to make sure
it’s not something your mother would disapprove of.
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First, follow your bliss. And no, that doesn’t mean you need to
move to the same town as your drug connection. Hey, you’ll be a
college graduate, I’m sure you can manage to score no matter where you
are. Following your bliss means finding something you like, something
you’re passionate about, something you’ll be happy doing for the
rest of your life that’s not your ex. Remember, that’s called
stalking and it can result in a restraining order, publicity that can
taint your chance for gainful employment, and a 300-pound lover named
Butch who lives two cells down and thinks you have purty lips. Remember,
the average American will go through 10 jobs and five careers during his
or her lifetime, so you want to find something — and trust me, it
won’t be your major — that you’ll enjoy doing 40 hours a week for
four years before you chuck it all and move to Bali. Don’t worry,
401-k’s are portable. And can possibly be converted into Rupiah. Talk
to Chuck.
Find a good role model, someone you
can look up to, admire, emulate, and feel good about asking what emulate
means just to make sure it’s not something your mother would
disapprove of. Or something of which your mother would disapprove should
she happen to be an English teacher. It’s important to make a good
choice here. David Blaine, for example, isn’t a good role model. Even
though he’s rich and famous, in order to get there he had to be buried
alive in a see-through coffin for a week, spend 61 hours inside a block
of ice, fast for 44 days in a Plexiglas box, and live for a week
submerged in a fishbowl. Breathing, eating, and peeing through tubes.
There are easier ways.
Other bad role models include Robert
Downey, Jr., John Wayne Gacy, and whoever came up with the Japanese ear
wax cleaner that has a built-in camera so you can clean your ears
without scooping any gray matter out along with the gunk. Good role
models include Mother Teresa, Bono (of U2, not Sonny and Cher, fame),
and Nick Lachey once he wised up and threw Jessica back into the sea
with the chickens.
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If
you have no shame, self-control, or conscience, go ahead and lie, but do
yourself a favor and spend time every day boning up on your back-up
career by standing in front of a mirror and asking, “What size Slurpee
would you like with that breakfast bite?” |
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Be honest. Don’t lie on your resume. If you got a bachelor’s
degree in physical education, don’t say you’re a physician. If your
dorm gave you the title Classiest Resident, don’t put down that you
were class president. Remember, resource is a part of Human Resources,
they have ways of finding out the truth. Sure a few lies could mean
landing the gig as CEO of Radio Shack, but eventually you’ll be
uncovered. And when you are they’ll take away your golden parachute of
2,478 laser levels. Talk about a hard landing. If you have no shame,
self-control, or conscience, go ahead and lie, but do yourself a favor
and spend time every day boning up on your back-up career by standing in
front of a mirror and asking, “What size Slurpee would you like with
that breakfast bite?”
Now it’s time to fly the college
nest and go out into the real world. After all, you don’t want to be
like Johnny Lechner, the guy who’s been an undergraduate student at
the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater for the past 12 years. He was all
set to graduate this year — now there’s a concept! — with a
liberal studies degree in education, communications, theater, health and
women's studies when it dawned on him that something was missing from
his academic life. Aside from common sense, motivation, and a swift kick
in the pants. It turns out that he’d never studied abroad, so he
withdrew his application for graduation and is taking his 234 credits
overseas next year. This is a good example of what happens when you
don’t have a bliss to follow, don’t have a good role model, and
don’t need to worry about lying on your resume because you’ll
probably never need one. Now go enjoy that graduation dinner. And be
nice to Mom and Dad and offer them your doggy bag. Hey, it will be a
nice break from ramen noodles.
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them
if you can.
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