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Harry Potter and the
Full-Blooded Hype Machine
by Mad Dog
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I don’t have proof — yet — but I have reason to
believe Karl Rove is behind the book leaks. Or maybe it’s Mark Felt. I
forget. |
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The new Harry Potter book
is out and in the process the country’s security level was raised to
orange. Or maybe it was violet. I forget. And all because a few books
managed to get into people’s hands — gasp! — in advance of the
official release time mandated by the Department of Homeland Security. I
mean, Scholastic Books. First a bookstore in Canada mistakenly sold a
few copies. Then some guy in Indianapolis bought one he found sitting on
the shelf of a bookstore. Next a man in Santa Cruz, CA, found one
mysteriously hanging in a bag on his front door. And returned it.
Unread. But not before the story made the newspapers and he got an agent
to help field the book, movie-of-the-week, and reality show offers that
are bound to come pouring in. With all these security breaches is it any
wonder I can’t find an open bathroom in the subway these days?
Scholastic Books took the leaks very
seriously. They sent out cease and desist letters, filed restraining
orders, and emailed promotional press releases to the media fast and
furiously. According to the Washington Post, the publisher sent a letter
to bookstores saying, “we wanted to reiterate the importance of
maintaining the highest level of security around the books...We
recommend you implement..the following in the secured staging areas and
communicate this to your employees: no cell phones or recording devices
and no lunch boxes or coolers, only clear bags.” This is absurd. I
mean, who wants to carry their lunch in a clear bag so everyone in the
world can see that you subsist on Toast Chees, M&M Peanuts, teriyaki
Spam jerky, and Red Bull?
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I did start one of the books but by page four felt like
I’d been catapulted back to high school and was about to get sucked
into an argument about which was better, the Lord of the Rings, the
Narnia series, or Harry Potter. I immediately started yawning and fell
asleep. |
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With all the media uproar you’d think it’s a violation of the
Patriot Act to accidentally sell a copy of the book. Okay, maybe it is,
but it shouldn’t be. I don’t have proof — yet — but I have
reason to believe Karl Rove is behind the book leaks. Or maybe it’s
Mark Felt. I forget. Either way Woodward and/or Bernstein will have a
book out about it any minute, Jon Stewart will say something I wish
I’d thought of and probably would have had I a staff of writers on my
payroll, and Al Franken will make fun of Rush Limbaugh and wonder why no
one cares what he thinks.
You don’t think there’s any
chance the leaks were deliberate because, well, just maybe it would get
some publicity and help sell books, do you? Right, like they need help
selling Harry Potter books. They printed 10.8 million copies of Harry
Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the largest first printing ever
and nearly 11 million more copies than the first run of George Bush’s Never
Mis-Underestimate the Power of Language. Amazon.com racked up 1.2
million preorders for the book, there were more than 5,000 parties held
in the United States alone, and kids everywhere waited anxiously for
midnight so they could discover why their parents are so incredibly out
of control about this. Hey, it’s only a book. Besides, who’s going
to read a book now, it’s summer vacation.
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There’s a reason the
magazine is called Entertainment Weekly and not Life Changing Events
Weekly. Who Ben Afleck marries is not important. Winning a Grammy
isn’t the same as wining a Nobel Prize. |
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I have to
admit that I haven’t read any of the Harry Potter books, nor have I
seen any of the movies. Not for any compelling philosophical, religious,
or moral reason, but just because I haven’t. I did start one of the
books but by page four felt like I’d been catapulted back to high
school and was about to get sucked into an argument about which was
better, the Lord of the Rings, the Narnia series, or Harry
Potter. I immediately started yawning, fell asleep, and when I awoke
came to my senses and spent the next three days pretending to read the
latest Umberto Eco book. Well, the Cliff’s Notes, anyway. And no, I
couldn’t get through them either.
The
real problem with Harry Potter is that, like Star Wars, MacDonald’s,
and Coca-Cola, it’s become a multinational brand that takes itself too
seriously. Repeat after me: It’s a movie, a hamburger, a soda, and a
book. Okay, maybe Harry Potter is the best selling book series this side
of the Bible, but it’s still a book. Read it, enjoy it, but don’t
forget what it is — ink on dead trees.
We need to regain our perspective. TV
critics write endless paragraphs about TV shows as if they really
matter. Come on, TV shows exist to fill the holes in between the toilet
paper commercials. They’re lighted dots on a screen, fer Christ’s
sake. And rarely are they funny, compelling, or interesting lighted
dots. There’s a reason the magazine is called Entertainment Weekly and
not Life Changing Events Weekly. Who Ben Affleck marries is not
important. Winning a Grammy isn’t the same as wining a Nobel Prize,
it’s just cooler because, well, face it, 19 million people won’t see
Queen Latifah hand you the prize for economics. And the news about who
dies in the new Harry Potter book was all over the Internet five minutes
after the first book was sold at midnight GMT, so what’s a couple of
days amongst friends?
Kick back. Relax. The book’s not
going anywhere, enjoy it at your leisure. By the way, the character who
dies is, oh never mind, it’s not important.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them, but not before their release date.
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