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For Sale, One
Slightly Used Life Story
by Mad Dog
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Since the title Runaway Bride has already been used,
they’re going to have to come up something new. Chicken Run, The
Grifters, and Take The Money And Run have been used too, so
they’ll probably have to go with something like Cashing In. |
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Whoever said crime
doesn’t pay obviously never tried it. Either that or they were so old
fashioned they thought you actually had to make your money while
committing the crime. Hah! This is the 21st century, remember? Nothing
is the way it used to be. We have cell phones that take photographs,
personal diaries masquerading as literature called blogs, and kids who
don’t know clockwise from counterclockwise because they’ve never
seen anything other than a digital clock, so why should it come as a
surprise that there’s an aftermarket for making crime pay? It’s
called selling the book and movie rights to your life, and it’s not
only profitable, it has a built-in publicity mill and it gives you back
your respectability. Talk about a good career move.
Take Jennifer Wilbanks, better known
as the Runaway Bride. You remember her, she’s the Georgia woman who
took off four days before her wedding and, once found, claimed she’d
been abducted by aliens. Okay, I’m making up the aliens part, but
I’m sure she’s kicking herself for not having thought of that twist,
it might have helped her get more than the $500,000 she and her fiancé
have been handed for the rights to their life stories. And you wondered
why he was so anxious to take her back.
That’s a pretty sweet deal.
Apparently all you need to do is set up a phony abduction, run off, come
back, confess, get slapped on the wrist and sentenced to probation and
community service, pay a total of $15,800 in fines and overtime costs
relating to the search, and you too can walk away with a cool $234,200
profit. Hey, it sure beats working for a living.
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Projects like these aren’t a guaranteed success. Well, not
unless your definition of success is pocketing a big wad of money for
doing nothing, investing it wisely, and not giving a hoot about book or
movie sales.
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ReganMedia, the company that bought the rights, is trying to sell
the TV networks on the idea of making a movie about Wilbanks’ life.
Since the title Runaway Bride has already been used, they’re
going to have to come up something new. Chicken Run, The
Grifters, and Take The Money And Run have been used too, so
they’ll probably have to go with something like Cashing In.
Hopefully Wilbanks will put the money to good use and have another
photograph taken so she can hand it out to the media. Come on now,
she’s 32 years old, there has to have been more than one wide-eyed
photo taken of her in all that time.
She wasn’t the only person to hit
the celebrity jackpot this week. Mark Felt was given an estimated $1
million for the book and movie rights to his story. Felt, who you might
remember if you haven’t been too busy following Tom Cruise’s nervous
breakdown and subsequent engagement to Kiddie — I mean, Katie —
Holmes, is the former FBI agent who turned out to be Deep Throat of
Watergate fame. I know, you were convinced it was Hal Holbrook. The
book's working title is A G-Man's Life: The FBI, Being 'Deep Throat'
and the Struggle for Honor in Washington. A fascinating title to be
sure, but it won’t work for the movie or the Broadway musical. Since
the obvious title, Deep Throat, was swallowed up years ago, maybe
they should merge his movie with Wilbanks’ and call it Deep Doodoo.
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Andy
Warhol said we’d get fifteen minutes of fame, he didn’t say anything
about a movie of the week, personal memoir, or an endorsement deal with
Nike for a line of Running Bride shoes. |
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Projects like these aren’t a guaranteed success. Well, not
unless your definition of success is pocketing a big wad of money for
doing nothing, investing it wisely, and not giving a hoot about book or
movie sales. Take Jayson Blair, the former reporter for the New York
Times who faked quotes and entire interviews. He resigned from
the newspaper in disgrace, then was rewarded by being given a
mid-six-figure advance for his memoirs. The book he wrote, Burning
Down My Masters' House, hasn’t exactly burned up the sales charts.
In its first nine days of release it sold a whopping 1,386 copies.
Worldwide. Lucky for the New York Times that meant it didn’t have to
go on the bestseller list.
Maybe this shows that people have had
enough. Remember, Andy Warhol said we’d get fifteen minutes of fame,
he didn’t say anything about a movie of the week, personal memoir, or
an endorsement deal with Nike for a line of Running Bride shoes. I know
I may sound jealous but I’m not. I just want the wave to continue long
enough for me to cash in on it. See, I have a plan. First, I’ll make
up a story and sell it as news. Then I’ll set up a fake abduction but
will actually get on a bus and run away. After all, nothing says running
away like a Greyhound bus. Once everyone is looking for me — and
they’d better be! — I’ll call someone in the media, meet them in a
dark garage, and whisper clues as to how to find me. And who I want to
play me in the movie. Once I’m arrested I’ll get Jennifer Wilbanks'
lawyer, Jayson Blair’s agent, and Mark Felt’s ghostwriter and I’ll
be set for life. No need for a 401(k), IRA, or my current retirement
program, the lottery. Hey, I’ve got to go. I have a bus to catch.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them before the movie comes out.
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