Hold the (lo fat, caffeine-free, clear) mayo
by Mad Dog

    But it’s so different these days. I still have my list and the pros still play demolition derby, only now I have to stop and spend five minutes carefully examining each item I want to buy. It’s not that I’m mesmerized by nutrition labeling informing me that bottled water has no calories, no fat, no sodium, no carbohydrates, no dietary fiber, and no reason to have a nutritional label other than maybe the printer had a sale on zeros. No, the problem is I’m being confronted with way too many choices.

    Once upon a time if you needed mayonnaise you went down the condiment aisle, found the brand you wanted, and went home happy in the knowledge that you could make tuna salad for the rest of the year because you couldn’t resist that deal on the institutional size jar. Little did you realize they named it that because you should be in an institution for wanting that much mayonnaise.

    Now you not only need to know what brand you want, you have to decide whether you want regular, low fat, fat-free, cholesterol-free, caffeine-free, sugar-free, unscented, extra-strength, or clear. And the jars all look alike. Sure there are subtle changes on the label, like a slightly different color scheme or the tiny note on the fat-free version which says “This product may not contain any substances you’ve ever heard of or are capable of pronouncing unless you have a PhD in organic chemistry”, but it’s easy to overlook these things when my mind is preoccupied with wondering whether Time-Warner’s merger with AOL will result in the weekly magazine arriving at my house with a loud “You’ve got mail!”

    This isn’t my imagination, it’s very real. A couple of years ago a record 20,076 food products were introduced in supermarkets across the country. This year it should top 25,000. That’s 68 a day. Three an hour. Or to put it another way, one for every man, woman, and child in the country who cares. Last year Philip Morris introduced 200 new food products while Heinz—which once prided themselves on having 57 varieties—introduced 115 new ones. It’s gotten so bad there’s a magazine called New Product News (motto: “Thank God for Heinz and Philip Morris”) just to help keep it all straight.

    But in spite of this insatiable desire by food manufacturers to achieve the ultimate goal of creating a whole new food group, there are several products I don’t think we’ll see in this country anytime soon. One is kangaroo. In spite of their endearing ability to hop into oncoming cars in a single bound, stash their young in a pouch like yesterday’s half-eaten burrito, and beat George Foreman at boxing while promising not to put out any cooking grills, kangaroos are threatening to become Australia’s “Other White Meat.” The first one, of course, is koala. Just kidding. Actually eating koala would be too much like eating Bambi, though come to think of it millions of American hunters do that every year.

    Meanwhile here in the United States scientists have been busy trying to find ways to get us to eat more broccoli. I think it started when George Bush said he hated the stuff, causing scientists to take a hard look at his offspring and immediately deciding we needed more broccoli in our diet. They’ve been working overtime on this project, though maybe they should cut back and get more sleep. Some of their stand-out ideas include broccoli-flavored vegetable juice, broccoli cereal, and chocolate-flavored powdered broccoli juice mix. It’s a real shame the name Tang is already being used.

    The problem is, if they actually come out with these products you know people will buy them. After all, an estimated $35.5 million worth of Ford Broncos were sold following O.J.’s famous freeway chase in spite of the fact that Consumer Reports declared it to be the least reliable car or light truck manufactured. So there’s no question that with a little air time people will buy any new product. But if they do catch on, there’s one product we’ll need more than ever: lo-fat, no-calorie, caffeine-free, broccoli flavored Tums in the shape of kangaroos. Pick up an institutional pack today!    

©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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