When Lottery Winners Are Losers
by Mad Dog

   It’s a shame to waste such a windfall on people like that. It’s also a shame to waste it on those who go out and buy four matching SUVs, his and her double-wide trailers, and a huge cabin cruiser to permanently decorate their driveway in land-locked Nebraska, only to wake up a year later and discover that they’re broke and never got around to splurging on that trip through the surrounding counties they’d been dreaming about all their lives.

   It’s just not fair. While I know there’s no justice in life — proven by the fact that Da Ali G Show isn’t airing at all this month yet Survivor is on every week, not to mention that they’re not even showing the episode I want to see, the one where no one survives — it still seems patently unfair that people who don’t know what to do with their lottery winnings continue to win. That’s why the emerging field of Lottery Eugenics is becoming increasingly popular. Simply put, anyone who is too stupid to enjoy their winnings shouldn’t be allowed to have it.

   The test will consist of one question: Are you going to work tomorrow? If the answer is yes, then they don’t get the money. If they say no, there’s a follow-up question: Are you going to blow all the money on something stupid like a four-bedroom, 2½-bath doghouse, a closet full of Paris Hilton wardrobe replicas in size 12, or your daughter’s wedding? While this last one may seem silly, recently an Indian steel tycoon forked out $60 million for his daughter’s wedding. For six days, 1,500 guests partied their little hearts out in France, being forced to have fun in crummy places like Versailles, the Tuilleries, and a custom-built castle erected outside Paris. That comes to $40,000 per guest. There was no report about whether they were allowed to stay home and take a cash option. I know which I would have chosen. While he didn’t need to win the lottery to blow all that cash, it’s scary to think that someone might. We can’t take chances.

   Now it’s true I’m a little biased and bitter because I’ve never matched more than two numbers on a lottery ticket in my life. In fact, I usually beat the odds by not matching a single number out of two sets. My brother once explained that the odds of doing this aren’t as astronomical as I think they are, but just as I did when my mother explained why I shouldn’t run with scissors, why my eyes would stick if I kept crossing them, and how babies are created, I smiled, tuned him out, and thanked him for the explanation. Then did what I wanted to do.

   Now before you say Murphy’s Law is just a bunch of hooey, you should know there’s mathematical proof that it really exists. Experts commissioned by British Gas (motto: “It’s the fish and chips, stupid”) recently came up with a mathematical formula which they say proves Murphy's Law actually does strike at the worst possible time. Not being good at math, I have to take their word for it. Their equation takes into consideration a task’s urgency, complexity, importance, frequency, your skill level, and the potential aggravation, then evaluates the chances of something going wrong. This can be useful because if you change some of the factors you can change the odds of it screwing up. According to project psychologist Dr. David Lewis, "If you haven't got the skill to do something important, leave it alone. If something is urgent or complex, find a simple way to do it. If something going wrong will particularly aggravate you, make certain you know how to do it."

   The problem is that the formula, ((U+C+I) x (10-S))/20 x A x 1/(1-sin(F/10)), is too complex to do in your head. Or on paper if you’re like me. What we need is a Murphy’s Law calculator so we can punch in a few numbers and immediately see the chances of something going wrong. Of course thanks to Murphy’s Law the batteries would run out just when you need it the most. You know, like when you’re trying to figure out whether driving across town to buy one more lottery ticket will give you the money you need to quit that boring job. You would quit that job if you won, wouldn’t you?

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them before you read the lottery results.