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What, Mea Culpa?
by Mad Dog
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He probably made up the term on the spot because, well, Mapeepee
just doesn’t have the same humorous sound to an 8-year-old mind as
Macaca. It’s the consonants. Consonants are funny. |
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People say the darndest
things, and Art Linkletter would roll over in his grave if he could hear
them, especially since they’re not coming from the mouths of babes.
First, Mel Gibson showed his true colors, which are dangerously close to
being a yellow armband with a star of David on it. In return he was
crucified like the lead in The Passion of the Christ except when
all was said and done he got a much lighter sentence — rehab,
probation, and having to eat gefilte fish every night for a month.
That’ll teach him.
Then Republican Senator George Allen
referred to an American-born Democratic campaign worker of Indian
descent who just happened to be videotaping Allen at the time as
“Macaca,” which as we all know is a term of endearment in some
places. Okay, like maybe in George Allen’s house. All the talk about
the word meaning a monkey, a racial slur in France, or a Bush-like
description of the man’s haircut just don’t wash. I lived in
Virginia when Allen was governor, so I can safely say that he didn’t
have any idea what he was talking about then and he doesn’t now
either. He probably made up the term on the spot because, well, Mapeepee
just doesn’t have the same humorous sound to an 8-year-old mind as
Macaca. It’s the consonants. Consonants are funny. Any comic knows
that. Close front unrounded vowels aren’t. And bilabial fricatives?
They’re only funny in Spanish and Japanese.
One day people in the public eye will
remember what the words “public eye” mean. We watch them, listen to
them, and laugh at them in the privacy of our own homes, but we do hear
what they say. And we can get our panties in a knot over it. This is
especially true in this age of YouTube, blogs, and 24-hour newscasts
that only have 12 minutes of news so it has to be repeated 120 times a
day until we have it memorized but still don’t understand the
ramifications. Word travels quickly and lasts a long time. Anything, but
anything, can come back to bite you in the Macaca.
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Paris went on to explain that her arrest was the
result of not having eaten all day and wanting an In-N-Out burger. Yup,
that will raise your blood-alcohol level to .08 if anything will. Repeat
after me, Paris: it was the alcohol.
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Last week a tape of a private meeting surfaced in which Arnold
“The Governor without a governor” Schwarzenegger discussed the
nationality of Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia by saying “Cuban,
Puerto-Rican, they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of
the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that
together makes it." He apologized, saying the comments made him
cringe, the syntax was pathetic for someone who’s been in this country
for 38 years, and he’d be upset if his children said something like
that. He promised to wash his mouth out with soap, give himself a time
out, and make sure no one tapes any of his private meetings again. But
hey, it could have been worse. He could have said Latinos are girlymen.
Schwarzenegger, Gibson, and Allen all
apologized, but the ultimate goal is to turn it around and make people
feel sorry for you. After all, nothing says I’m sorry like getting
sympathy. Take Paris Hilton. In case you somehow missed it, she was
arrested for drunk driving because she was driving erratically. Of
course reporters swarmed the police station like flies to, well,
erstwhile sustenance. Paris objected the next day, saying
"Everything I do is blown out of proportion and it really hurts my
feelings." Poor baby.
Let’s see. You love being a
celebrity, you love making money without having talent, you love posing
for the paparazzi, you love selling your CD, you hate being in the
spotlight. Got it. Paris went on to explain that her arrest was the
result of not having eaten all day and wanting an In-N-Out burger. Yup,
that will raise your blood-alcohol level to .08 if anything will. Repeat
after me, Paris: it was the alcohol. Not walking past the catering table
at the video shoot without taking any M&Ms. Not the fact that there
wasn’t an In-N-Out a few blocks closer. Of course in her defense, at
least she was smart enough not to call the arresting officer “Rabbi
Sugartitstein.”
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Politicians
only say what they’re told to say by their media advisors, the words
and content being sculpted by polls, focus groups, and a fear having to
get a real job like the rest of us. They should bag that and be more
human. |
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The problem is, aside from mouths moving faster than brains,
there’s nothing you can say nowadays that won’t offend someone. I
bet members of Hypersensitives Anonymous already have their pens out and
are writing letters of protest because it’s not nice to make fun of
people who are sensitive. We need to lighten up and stop being so
ultra-PC and holier than thou. After all, humans are by definition
human, and as a rule that’s a good thing. Okay, sometimes. Politicians
only say what they’re told to say by their media advisors, the words
and content being sculpted by polls, focus groups, and a fear having to
get a real job like the rest of us. They should bag that and be more
human.
When Dick Cheney told Senator Pat
Leahy to “go f___ yourself” he was being human. For a change. When
legislators in Mexico blocked President Vincente Fox from being able to
give his state of the union address, they were being passionate. It’s
refreshing when fist fights break out in the Japanese Diet because
tempers flare over an issue. It beats telling “my esteemed colleague
from the great state of North Carolina” that you respectfully disagree
when you know you’d really rather use a Cheney-ism. Hey, even in
England they’ve been known to pull a wig or two off a Whig or two when
the going gets hot.
Remember, let he who has never said
something stupid or put his foot in his mouth be the first to cast
stones, and I mean that in the politically correct sense,
it should in no way be construed as having anything to do with
being drunk, using drugs, or meting out punishment for Sharia law. So
put that pen down. I’m sorry if I wasn’t thinking when I spoke. Pity
me.
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. I
apologize for them.
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