The Official Column of the Millennium®
by Mad Dog

     Lest you scoff, the year 2,000 really is a big deal. Think of it as the equivalent of your odometer rolling over from 999,999 to 0, except you can’t trade the old year in on a new one to lower your car payments and absorb the extra cost of that combination sun roof/tanning lamp/disco ball you’ve been coveting.

     Since you’ve probably been too busy trying to remember to write 1999 on your checks and scheduling your Advanced Macaroni Sculpting class around the upcoming cavalcade of awards shows to give this as much thought as you should, I’m going to make your life a little easier by providing a handy Guide to the New Millennium®. Just follow these few short rules and you’ll find yourself talking like the pros and impressing your friends. Well, the ones who aren’t already holed up in a fallout shelter eating C-rations and counting down the days until the year 2000.

- While it’s not required that you buy Official Products of the Millennium®, it’s a good idea, since it will show people that you have pride and optimism in the dawning of the New Age. And are a sucker for any lame-ass advertising gimmick someone can dream up while talking on a cell phone aboard their 100-foot yacht. It won’t be hard to find these products. Trademarks have already been issued for Miller Beer ("The Official Sponsor of the Millennium"), United Airlines ("The Official Airline of the Millennium"), Uncle Ben’s ("The Official Food of the Millennium"), and enough others to fill your cupboard, which come to think of it may be a good idea in case your supermarket’s electric doors stop working on January 1st. If you want to get in on the fun, hire a lawyer and apply to make yourself the Official [your name here] of the New Millennium®. After all, if you’re like most people you’ve always dreamed of putting an ® after your name.

- Use the word millennium as often as possible, preferably at least once in every sentence. Get into the habit now, since it will soon be mandatory—as of January 1st millennium is The Official Word of the Millennium®. That’s why every news show, magazine, and newspaper has made it a grammatically required part of speech, right alongside nouns, verbs, and those other things your third grade English teacher tried to drum into your head while you were carving your initials into the kid in front of you. To get in the swing of this, try saying, "Coming up next, millennium makeovers for a better you", "I’ll have another Official Slim Jim of the Millennium®, please", and "I know the new millennium doesn’t really start until January 1st, 2001, but I’m so tired of partying like it’s 1999 that I just can’t wait."

- Even though experts say there won’t be any major disasters at the start of the new year, just to be safe turn off all electronic equipment on New Year’s Eve, including watches, computers, pagers, and pacemakers. On the other hand, electric blankets, 4-track quad tape players, and electric fondue pots should be okay, so you can rest easy knowing you won’t go hungry, be cold, or have to live in silence.

- If you do stockpile food because you believe everything you read on the Net, make sure it’s food that won’t go bad, like bottled water, Spam, Cheet-os, and those cheap American cheese slices that don’t melt.

- Go around asking people "Why 2K?". This will never fail to get a laugh, especially from those who are tired of that old joke, "Why is the Fourth of July?".

- Finally, if all this sounds like more trouble than it’s worth, you can avoid the millennium completely by becoming Chinese or Jewish. Their calendars will be hitting 4697 and 5760, so their computers will work fine. Sure you’ll have to learn to eat with chopsticks or wear a yarmulke, but that’s a small price to pay to avoid the problem entirely. Just think of them as the Official Way Out of the Millennium®.    

©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while sitting in your fallout shelter.