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Here She Comes, Miss
Trump America
by Mad Dog
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FOR SALE: Creaky but still functioning 84-year-old pageant.
Showcases brains, talent, and poise while pretending that looking good
in a bathing suit while wearing stiletto heels doesn’t matter. |
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It’s official: Money
can’t buy you happiness but it can buy Miss America. At least it can
if you have Donald Trump’s money. That’s right, it’s not enough
that the guy owns Trump Tower, Trump Casino, the time slot for The
Apprentice, and the winning suit in Hearts, the man with the hair
money can’t fix says he’s considering buying the famous beauty
pageant. This demonstrates one big difference between the rich and the
rest of us — the rest of us never imagined it was even possible to buy
a beauty pageant. Well, not without giving each of the judges a big fat
envelope full of cash, anyway.
Actually this points up a bigger
difference between the rich and the rest of us — we couldn’t afford
to buy a beauty pageant even if we saw a classified ad in the newspaper
that said: “FOR SALE: Creaky but still functioning 84-year-old
pageant. Showcases brains, talent, and poise while pretending that
looking good in a bathing suit while wearing stiletto heels doesn’t
matter. Needs renovation, TLC, and a new TV network to broadcast it
after being jilted by ABC. Great fixer-upper starter pageant.” Trump,
on the other hand, was well aware that he could buy a pageant. After
all, he already controls 50 percent of Miss Universe — the pageant,
not the winner — and that includes Miss USA. If he actually does buy
Miss America it means he’ll have a lock on all the major pageants with
the exception of Mr. Universe, Miss Earth, Miss
Hot Tub De-scaler, and the Slug Queen, which is an
honest-to-god contest that’s held every summer in Eugene, OR, and has
been won by such cross-dressing beauties as Accordionna,
Peterella, and Slugmistress Bagonda. I know this because I actually saw
it in person one year. Jealous?
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Another way to look at it is that if he gave every person in
the United States $150 he’d still have enough money left over to buy
Donald Trump. And his pageants. |
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Another
pageant Trump doesn’t own is the Miss Artificial Beauty pageant,
another honest-to-god contest which was held for the first time last
December in Beijing, China. As a switch from those old fashioned
pageants which require icky natural beauty, this one is exclusively for
entrants who have had plastic surgery. The more the merrier. The winner,
a 22-year-old who would have loved to have smiled when she won but
couldn’t, had had a fold added to her eyelids, fat liposuctioned from
her stomach, her cheeks reshaped, and plenty of Botox. The first
runner-up had undergone ten procedures, proving that it’s quality, not
quantity, that counts. At least that’s what I keep telling myself when
I check my bank balance.
Trump can afford Miss America without much trouble. After all, Forbes
magazine figures his net worth to be $2.6 billion. As good as this
sounds, it’s really not anything to get excited about. Okay, it’s
definitely something to get excited about if you get paid by the word
like I do, but it’s not such a big deal when you realize that it only
puts him at number 228 on the magazine’s list of the richest
people in the world. How embarrassing.
At the top of the list once again is Bill Gates, even though he’s
about $100 million poorer than he was last year. I’m sure he’s not
the least bit concerned about this. After all, when you’re worth $46.5
billion it’s just not worth it to stop and pick up a lousy $100
million when it falls out of your pocket. To put his wealth into
perspective, this means Bill Gates has about $7 for every man, woman,
and child on the planet. Another way to look at it is that if he gave
every person in the United States $150 he’d still have enough money
left over to buy Donald Trump. And his pageants.
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They
could take a tip from The Surreal Life and have them share a
house with Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice, and Tony Danza. Anyone who could put
up with the three of them for two weeks deserves all the roses and
crowns she can handle. |
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If
Trump does buy Miss America, he needs to spruce it up a bit. After all,
as with anyone or anything that’s been around for 84 years, it could
use a make-over. The old talent-swimsuit-evening wear-crowning format
just doesn’t cut it anymore. They should take some tips from reality
TV. Like Survivor, they could put the contestants on an island
where there’s no hairspray, manicurist, or tape to lift and separate
their cleavage and see how long they last. They could take a tip from The
Surreal Life and have them share a house with Ron Jeremy, Vanilla
Ice, and Tony Danza. Anyone who could put up with the three of them for
two weeks deserves all the roses and crowns she can handle. Or they
could model it after Fear Factor and make them go to Neiman
Marcus with their hair uncombed while wearing their grandmother’s old
housecoat, challenge them to compliment each other sincerely, and the
really gross part — make them eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby
Hubby in one sitting. Or just make them eat, which would be scary enough
for most of them. Better yet, why not put them on a live
Celebrity Death Match? Add some Wesson oil or Jell-o and they’d
have an Emmy-winning show on their hands. It just might be the best
pageant show Trump’s money can buy.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them wearing a bathing suit and stiletto heels.
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