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Wake Me Up When The
Nap Shop Closes
by Mad Dog
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The problem is you can’t always take a power nap. For one,
I try not to do it in front of people I don’t know lest they call
Narcoleptics Anonymous. Or steal my wallet. |
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Many things make me tired.
For starters, waking up makes me tired. So does work, playing hard, and
eating too much. Come to think of it, there’s a long list of things
that make me tired, including chocolate, pretending to listen to boors
who think they’re the only ones in the world who deserve to speak,
3:00 PM, and shopping. Shopping makes me very tired, though that’s
only one of about 1,278 reasons I don’t enjoy it. Other notable
reasons are that it’s frustrating, expensive, I can’t find what I
want where I want it when I want it, and of course there are all those
icky inconsiderate people who seem to think they should be allowed to
shop at the same time.
With so many things making me tired,
it’s not surprising I take naps. Not long, time wasting, “what am I
still in kindergarten?” naps, but power naps. I take them at a
moment’s notice. I get tired, my eyes start to close, I put my head
down or just let my chin fall to my chest, and I sleep for a couple of
minutes. I wake up refreshed and ready to get back to the task at hand.
By being short it doesn’t leave me disoriented and wondering what day
it is when I wake up. Neither does it cause bed lines on my face or
leave dried drool on my chin so people ask if I’ve had a slug crawling
on my face recently. I’m telling you, it’s a wonderful thing.
The problem is you can’t always
take a power nap. For one, I try not to do it in front of people I
don’t know lest they call Narcoleptics Anonymous. Or steal my wallet.
I also don’t do it in the car unless I pull over and park. Maybe
it’s me, but why waste all those potentially refreshing power
naps-to-be just because I didn’t want to wait to find a parking lot?
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For 70 cents a minute MinneNAPolis will let you lay down in
the Asian Mist, Tropical Isle, or Deep Space room and sleep while
listening to soothing sounds like rainfall, birds chirping, and NASA
calling off yet another shuttle launch.
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Usually the biggest problem is being someplace where there’s no
spot to nap. For years I’ve thought it would be a great idea to have a
restaurant in which the bench seats slid out, a curtain could be drawn,
and you could take a nap after having gorged yourself like a tick. You
could sleep for a bit, then wake up and have dessert. Sure it would cut
down on the restaurant’s table turns, but all they’d have to do is
mount a taxi meter on the side of the table so the waiter could put the
flag down when you went to sleep and add a per-minute charge to your
check. Hey, think about how much more coffee and dessert they’d sell
when people woke up and didn’t still feel as if they’d eaten two
pillows.
Another time it’s difficult to take
a power nap is, yes, when you’re shopping. It’s hard enough finding
a bathroom, better yet a bed, cot, sleeping bag, or recliner without
preternatural Cheez Doodle stains all over the arms. Heck, I’d take
one with the stains if it meant I could catch a snooze. That’s why
it’s good to hear that a nap store is opening in the Mall of America.
That’s right, a nap store.
You know the Mall of America, it’s
the 4.2 million square-foot shopping center in Bloomington, MN that has
520 stores. Not to mention an indoor theme park with two roller coasters
and a Ferris wheel, aquarium, church, wedding chapel, bowling alleys,
and a campus of National American University where you can receive a PhD
in bargain hunting. Just kidding about the PhD. Actually you can only
get your masters. Now you can add MinneNAPolis, the country’s first
nap store, to the list of reasons to spend your next vacation with the
over 100,000 people who shop there each day. As if you needed another
excuse.
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That
same $8.50 will only buy you 12 minutes in the nap shop, though on the
plus side your shoes won’t stick to the floor and there won’t be
anyone behind you the entire time trying to take the noisy impenetrable
plastic wrapper off a 3-pound box of Raisinettes. Hopefully. |
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For 70 cents a minute MinneNAPolis will let you lay down in the
Asian Mist, Tropical Isle, or Deep Space room and sleep while listening
to soothing sounds like rainfall, birds chirping, and NASA calling off
yet another shuttle launch. While it’s not a bad deal if you’re a
power napper like I am, it’s not so hot if you like to really conk
out. At $42 an hour you’d be better off going into one of the mall’s
14 movie theaters where for $8.50 you can spend two hours sleeping
through yet another bad remake of an old TV show and still have enough
left over to enjoy sushi at the aquarium’s cafe. Meanwhile, that same
$8.50 will only buy you 12 minutes in the nap shop, though on the plus
side your shoes won’t stick to the floor and there won’t be anyone
behind you the entire time trying to take the noisy impenetrable plastic
wrapper off a 3-pound box of Raisinettes. Hopefully.
Being able to take a nap while
shopping could catch on, especially if women’s clothing stores offered
to validate nap tickets for waiting husbands. On the other hand, the
backseat of a car would be just as comfortable and the price is right.
Of course when you remember that people pay more per gallon for bottled
water than they do for gas, and you can get water really cheap out of
the tap, maybe there’s something to that old saying about being able
to sell naps to the narcoleptic. Just wake me when it’s over.
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while you're awake.
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