The Need For New-Monics
by Mad Dog

   In a set of guidelines called "Support For Spelling," the British government has recommended that elementary school teachers stop passing along the “i before e” nonsense because rules are rules and if there are exceptions it’s not a rule. Besides, if zero tolerance programs are in place that consider nail clippers to be a weapon and Tylenol a drug worthy of a week’s suspension, then the very existence of anomalies like “sufficiently weird in their minds” is anathema. By the way, if you need an easy way to remember how to spell “anathema,” just remember that, well, it’s spelled exactly as it sounds.

   It’s a shame about “i before e” because, even though it might not be one hundred percent accurate all the time, it’s still a handy mnemonic. Mnemonics, for those who are too busy waiting to find out if the Jonas Brothers are going to record a Michael Jackson tribute album to pull out the dictionary, are memory aids that are often longer and more convoluted than the word or phrase they’re supposed to help you remember, yet somehow work. They’re the hints an elementary school teacher planted in your mind that, try as you may to stop them, still pop into your head, even if you don’t need them.

   Luckily most mnemonics are rock solid, so the British government will leave its hands off them. Every time we change Daylight Savings Time I think “spring ahead, fall back.” I remember the colors of the rainbow thanks to Roy G. Biv, though also in part to a song from a children’s record from when I was young—“orange, indigo, violet, yellow...orange, indigo, violet, yellow...”—that plays in my head each time I see a rainbow. Or write the word. Or see the Gay Pride flag, which is not always a good time to break out in song.

   I know the musical notes of the treble clef lines because “Every Good Boy Does Fine,” though sometimes they “Deserve Fudge.” I remember the Great Lakes thanks to “HOME.” And I wonder why “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas” is easier to remember than the actual names of the planets in order (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto) when it’s just as long. With all these mnemonics clogging up my brain, is it any wonder I walk into a room and forget why I went in there? Okay, other than to get dessert, which has two esses because...aw, forget it.

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and no wonder,
All the rest have raspberry jam,
Except for Grandma who rides a bicycle.

   Hey, it makes as much sense and helps as much as my version, and is a lot more fun.

   What we need to do is clear the old, crusty, unneeded mnemonics from our brains and replace them with new ones. You know, create some “new-monics” like “You Request Fries Instead, Bubba?” as a good way to remember the phrase, “Your Retirement Fund Is Bankrupt.” Or “OBAMA Great” for “Oh Boy Aren’t Michelle’s Arms Great?” And how about “Block Useless Democrats’ Guidelines Every Time” as a way to remember how to spell “budget”? And here’s a handy way to keep your messaging lengths straight:

Twitter 140, twenty longer for text,
Email no limit, huge attachments—the best!

   But what we probably need most is a mnemonic to help us remember how to spell mnemonic. You know, like “n before m except at the beginning of mnemonic.” Or something like that. I think maybe I’ll get some dessert and work on that one a little more. Hey, stop thinking about the esses!

©2009 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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